H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

I have had a major breakthrough this morning.

Yesterday, I very lovingly texted H about us being autonomous with our ‘Private’ money and not having to disclose what we spend it on. I said in the text that having to rely on me to dish out money was emasculating for H. I told him I hate it and want him to be more independent. I ended up in this sitch with money to help him free up time and because I was doing the Wedding budget. Later on that night, I rang him (old habit) and he was short with me and hung up. I rang him again (old habit), but this time, I very gently but consistently asked him why he was short. H, told me because of the way I was talking about money this morning. It was an old habit of me to question why he wanted to do things differently and then I realised and sent him a loving text about how we should be autonomous. H told me it was such a loving text and thanked me for it and then I backed up again what I said on the phone and also said that I wanted him to be in control of his own matters. We ended up having a great phone conversation.

The breakthrough is this and it is a revelation. When H and I met, he used to tell me about how XW was bossy and used to scream at him all the time and how they argued all the time and in front of the Skids etc. They got married for other reasons than love. Won’t go into it. Eventually, they had kids. H has said to me at times that he feels he has to do things for XW because she has power and leverage. I used to think to myself how ridiculous. However, H started standing up for himself and our R and XW alienated H and I from the Skids a few years back and now he has contact with all of them and it’s because he is complying to XW. XW has tried just to alienate me from 2 of them, but I’m now (very patiently) having contact with them again.

Instead of seeing this as Stockholm Syndrome which I now believe it is, I just thought H was doing these things because he wanted to be with XW and wanted to Cake Eat. I think H is so traumatised still with what happened with alienation and how he gets punished that he believes he has respect and fondness for her. I could never work out why he would ring his sister and complain about XW, then defend XW to me. It’s always been so bloody confusing. In actual fact he is scared of her and won’t admit it to me because he is embarrassed and feels emasculated. SIL used to say all the time, H is not in love with XW, he just wants to see his Skids. Since our wedding, XW has consistently (nearly every weekend) tried to infiltrate our lives with her demands (very cleverly), even to the point where I think she is DBing because she has been very, very sweet to H. However, I heard her on the phone to SD and she screamed at SD in front of H and I not knowing I was listening.

Meanwhile, I have not helped at all!!! I have thought that because H says ‘yes’ to XW that he is fond of her and if only I’m more like her, then he will have respect for me more. Not that I’m anything like her, but I have nagged him about the sitch and cried and screamed and made him feel so guilty (not wanting to), and not realising that he fell in love with me for me being me. Oh God, I have been doing some things which have not helped the sitch at all and now I believe, H is sort of in this Learned Helplessness state where he feels like there is no one he can turn to anymore (I used to be the soft landing) that he might as well be doing what XW wants.

So, up until I found DB, life was crap for both of us, because I was reacting and barking up the wrong tree. Since though, My 180’s have been helping, and me detaching with as much love as I can muster.

Tomorrow I have this sitch where H feels he ‘has’ to go with XW to sign paperwork for SD. It has made me so angry and I really don’t want H to be with her. This is what I’m now going to say to him very gently and lovingly, ‘H, I would prefer if you took your own car to sign the paperwork as it makes me feel uncomfortable you going in the same car with XW. Of course it’s up to you to do what you feel you ‘need’ to do!’ I wont push the issue and I will do this when we are not too tired or hungry. If he chooses to go with her, I won’t chastise him nor say anything other than ‘okay well I’m going off to do this and I will be back later!’ And stay away for a while for my own sanity.

This last year, I used to think that I needed to shy away from spending time with H and the Skids to give H room to do what he needed to do with XW. Now, I realise I don’t have to shy away, I just need to be there very quietly and consistently in the background to support H while setting boundaries for myself, but giving him support to have confidence in his own decision making and choices. I didn’t realise how emasculated H was before I met him and I haven’t helped him for a good while neither. The Skids really are his hook with her and she knows it. Currently, I do think H believes he has a lot of respect and admiration for her while he feels helpless. It helps me to realise and believe what he says to SIL that he does not love her and just wants to see the Skids. I will definitely continue my DBing. It is really difficult to know what the 180’s will be all the time because there are so many of them, but I do believe I’m now on the right track.

I wonder how many other husbands and wives are suffering Stockholm Syndrome with X’s? I really believe the behaviour of someone suffering from Stockholm is similar to someone having an affair. Both are in a fog. I’m now researching on how to help someone suffering from it and what to do. H has really responded to me being very gentle in tone of voice. I volunteer for a Helpline and I’m now treating H with the same care as someone who is calling for help.

What a Godsend this site is!

Kanga