I am new to this community and also I am not a english native speaker (I am from the heart of Europe) so please have patience with me. Apology for grammer errors also I need to get familiar with abbreviations.
My story in a nutshell. I am married for almost 7 years and I am 37yo. My wife is 32. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage. So we are in relationship for the last 10 years and have two kids (4 and 6 yo). Things started to crash last year on November when I wife started working again after long maternity leave. She was 5 years at home with kids. Last 3 years I was working from home due to covid, and still do. But my wife was frustrated, exhausted (me also), so there was less romance, less attention because we both focused on other aspects of daily life (kids, chores, illness, etc..). Apparently it was not enough for my wife even though I did care. When she started working as a nurse she met one guy a massager. She started an affair. It was very instant for her and for him, it took maybe 3 weeks for the guy to tell her he is in love with her, and same for my wife. I know that because when I wanted to download photos from her old cell phone into the comp, I have seen the sms. She started to be distant, cold as ice, stonewalled me for 6 weeks, and said she has no feelings for me anymore, that she lied to herself that she is satisfied in the marriage with me and other crap. She lied into my eyes when I asked her in January if there is another man involved or if she loved me she said yes I love you and there is no other man, she just felf emotional emptiness. In the beginning of May, she finally confessed that she has feelings for another man. In fact it was not just feeling but it was full blown affair that started in November last year and still carry on. I was shocked, devastated, angry and you know all those feelings.. but I never begged nor pleaded her. She perfectly knew what was in stake but she said she chosen him and kids over me. I said her that this will not continue infront of my eyes and she did not want to end it because she is madly in love with him. So she said she wants a divorce as the only ultimate solution because she said if she cut him off and returned to the marriage, her feelings towards me are not going to change.. So two months passed and she still did not file for divorce but she is in daily touch with him over her phone and when she is at work they are together. Apparently she wants to eat her cake..But she hides it as much as possible so it does not looks like she has an affair from the first sight. She respects my boundaries but I cannot controll her to stop chatting with him or meeting in person while at work. Now I do not know what to do. I behave correctly, do not shout at her, I would say I implemented limited no contact, we talk about kids, houshold ..I am not needy..I started living my own life as well, started working out.. My ultimate goal was to save our marriage, our family unit. Should I wait until she files for divorce herself or should I do it myself first? We do not have something like legal separation here so the only option is either divorce or she moves out by her choise since I cannot kick her out. I still love her despite the fact what she did to me and our family. Apparently she has an anxious attachment style because I recall she constantly seeked attention, affection, affirmation etc.. but when hour both kids were born I had to split the attention to them plus other stuff like work etc.. I know I should manage that better but it is how it is.. now she is 9 months in an affair. Is she still in limerence of can this be true love (despite the fact it was based on lies, betrayal..). What can I do to break the spell? Does she ever come back to me? Or should I move on with my life and let divorce take its course? I am really sorry for our kids, they did not deserve this.. Mature wife would be addressing all the concerns to the husband but my wife decided to cope with problems her way.. Thanks for your opinions.
Welcome to the boards, and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Do you have the book Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, do get a copy and read it throughly. A most valuable asset for you.
Some sage advice from a wise poster:
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Below, I’ve pasted Cadet’s Welcoming post for your reference. There are many links with plenty of useful information.
I look forward to converse with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello. So, sorry to hear all of this. The good news is, this is very common. The bad news is, it [censored].
For starters, do you know this OM? Is he married, single, etc? You say they work together. Surely their respective bosses wouldn't appreciate the workplace romance. If it were me, I would expose the affair to his spouse (if he has one) and your wife's family. I wouldn't expose to their employer at this time, because you need her to keep her employment.
As hard as this is, you need to file for divorce. As it stands now, you're basically a cuckold. She is enjoying all of the benefits you provide (a home, income, stability, etc), while enjoying sex with another man. When you file, alert your in-laws that you have filed, and the reason why you've filed. Do Not Sugarcoat the reason.
Exposing the affair and filing for D is either going to make her realize what she stands to lose, or it's going to push her farther into his arms. But it's also going to show her that you have self respect and aren't going to enable her bs any longer.
When you file, go for as much as you can (full custody, spousal support, retaining assets, etc). If the D proceeds, you likely won't get all of that stuff, but you will be starting from a position of strength. This is why I say not to expose the affair to their employer yet. You want/need her employed to better your chances of fair custody, avoiding child support, etc).
In the meantime, close all joint bank accounts and open your own. Start getting as much stuff as possible separated/saved. And once you file, get yourself a digital voice recorder and keep it on every second that you're around her. One false domestic violence call to the cops will destroy you.
Now, this all sounds harsh, and it's meant to be. What she did, and continues to do with zero remorse is absolutely disgusting. It doesn't matter what 'you did' to cause this. This is 100% on her, and she needs to feel the full impact of destroying your family. It may be enough to snap her out of her fairytale. Then you'll have a really hard decision on whether to give her another chance. But if that doesn't happen, you will be setting yourself and your kids up for the best possible future without her.
Don't take any of this as gospel. I'm bitter as well. But I just have no tolerance for an ongoing affair, especially when there are kids involved.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thank you DnJ, I will go through all those useful links.. I do not have DR/DB book yet, do you happen to know if there is a PDF version available somewhere out there? Or I can get only printed version..
Hi Terapin, thanks for your reply, much appreciated. I do not know OM personally but I know who he is, have seen him multiple times and I even know where he lives. I go jogging and have seen him sitting on the bench near his apartment building. I wanted to confront him or maybe punch him but quickly realized it would be a huge mistake so I let him be. Yes she is lying constantly, she pretends that she is not seeing him but I know what I have seen in her cell phone. It is disgusting. I do not understand how she can be so selfish, suddenly 10 years of marriage, two kids, financial stuff solved, means nothing to her and she is ready to ruin everything we created even the future of our kids. Her personality changed, she is re-writing history of our marriage. She paints everything black.. Pure mute admiration.. We do not have joint bank account that's the good thing. She even told me that she does not want any money from me. Nothing.. Strange thing is that she tells me that it is not about this dude but she was not satisfied in our marriage for the last 1,5 years so as a result she lost feelings for me. I know for sure that prior to her work (back in October last year) she did not even think about possibility to leave me. She was still attached to me, said I love you, cared for me etc.. So I know it IS about this dude and her feelings of love for him.. She thought that when she told me about this dude and basically broke up with me that it is all OK she can continue with her affair and does not give a *uck about me and my feelings. So she can eat her cake and have an affair or new relationship with OM despite the fact she is still married. Wtf.. I did not want to file for divorce but apparently this is the only way for me to keep my dignity and do not be her doormat..
As far as I know Michele does not have an electronic version of DR. She does have the first chapter available online here though.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
My ultimate goal was to save our marriage, our family unit. Should I wait until she files for divorce herself or should I do it myself first?
My advice is to let the one who wants out own the divorce. Leave the heavy lifting to W. You don’t block her or place barricades in her way, yet you don’t pave the path in gold either.
Do keep tabs on the accounts and bills and all that. Spouses that feel done with the marriage sometimes start spending money like it’s going out of style; and before you know it the savings could be all gone. If you need financial protection or security then get it.
It looks like you and W have separate accounts already which does alleviate some of the financial worries here. As long as she keeps paying her half of the joint expenses and kids’ stuff, let it ride for a while.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
What can I do to break the spell? Does she ever come back to me? Or should I move on with my life and let divorce take its course?
I caution against the trying to snap them awake strategy; it comes off as an ultimatum. And ultimatums seldom work. In my view, folks offering such final deals more want it to not be accepted so they can plunge into retaliation mode. Fighting begets fighting.
In short, nothing you do or say is likely to break the spell. She has to come to that on her own, and on her time.
You cannot control W. You only can control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Those three things.
If you take a hard stance, and she turns it down, which is pretty likely, then you are heading for a divorce. The very thing you are not wanting. Right?
So, do not act or react in a way that promotes divorce. Threatening to divorce unless W dumps OM, will only get you divorced. Take a different path, IMHO.
Focus on you and the kids. Get a life (GAL). Life and love your life.
Give W plenty of time and space. She needs to feel the loss of you and the marriage. Currently, W is full of limerence. And she is dredging up past grievances, creating narratives, and such, to justify leaving you. Lots of fabrications from her, as you have seen.
You let her go. And in time, hopefully, the affair will start to sour. That illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation to weather life’s storms. It’s that illicit-ness that presently makes the affair alluring to her.
As the affair starts to fall from fantasy into reality, W will start to feel emotions that are much more helpful to your cause. Guilt, grief, remorse, loss, etc. Realize, at the moment W is just too high on luv to feel anything else. Give her time and space.
Is DB a guarantee that your marriage will be saved? No. However, DB can/will save you and gives your marriage its best chance at restoration.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
Strange thing is that she tells me that it is not about this dude…
Originally Posted by PeterPan
I know it IS about this dude and her feelings of love for him…
Oddly, W is likely speaking the truth here.
Affairs, the affair partner, are just bandaids for the cheater’s internal pain. W doesn’t truly know why. Affairs and such are emotionally driven, not rationally driven. And those feelings will override logic and reason. Kids, marriage, financial security, etc, all become meaningless, secondary, to them.
Peter, this isn’t about OM. He and W are not soulmates or some other teenage BS.
To be clear, W is still culpable. She is responsible for her actions. However, you need not be judge, jury, or executioner. No one is wise enough to see all ends; leave her to God/fate in this matter. Work to let go of any vengeance and retribution.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
I did not want to file for divorce but apparently this is the only way for me to keep my dignity and do not be her doormat..
Not true. Filing for divorce will get you divorced.
Dignity, not being a doormat, becoming healed and whole, becoming the best version of yourself, and so on - has nothing to do with being the one to file.
Remain kind and cordial to W. Implement boundaries on disrespectful direct behaviour. GAL. Focus on you. Keep moving forward. And detach. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now.
You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ for your words. I am going to get DR book soon and I agree with all what you have written. But it is hard for me to cope with the fact that she is cheating on me in front of my eyes and is unable/not willing to stop it. Do you happen to know how long does it take for limerence to wear off? I am very patient but not sure if I will be able to handle it for some years..She is in limerence for the last 8-9 months already. What if she just decides to not leave the marriage but to still carry on with an affair like it is now so she has her cake as welll as OM? In this case I am affraid she never experiences real life with OM, everything will be like rainbows and unicorns forever. This could take literally years. Not sure if I am prepared for such a life in an agony, I also need wife/partner not just roommate.. this OM is divorced with one kid in joint custody, he is 10 years older than my W so for him my wife is best catch. He will never let her go voluntarily. I know mabye I am concerned too ahead but such thoughts come to my mind.
DnJ is one of the best posters on here, so it would probably be wise to listen.
You've received two very different approaches from he and I. Ultimately the choice will be yours how to proceed. But either way, they both lead to the same place: a better version of you.
I agree with most of what DnJ presented, except, as you just mentioned, what if she never does file? How long are you willing to live with and support someone that is clearly just using you? I agree that ultimatums rarely work, and what I suggested isn't an ultimatum. It's a definite move forward. To me, as hard as it is, the blatant disrespect she is showing towards you, your children, and the lives you built together is almost unforgivable. But I also understand still wanting to save the M. It [censored].
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Take a deep breath. You don't have to decide anything today. This is going to be a process regardless of the outcome. There are so many what ifs there is no point in constantly ruminating about them.
My guess is she doesn't see this as cheating anymore. She's told you she's done, doesn't love you and has "moved on".
Even when the honeymoon phase is over it doesn't mean she's not going to want him, and even if she doesn't, it doesn't mean she's coming back to you.
Don't worry about her and what she is doing. You can not control that in any way shape or form. Control you, control what you can, and start getting a life like a mad man. Become the best you, you can be. Be a man that woman will respect and be attracted too.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Hi Joseph, thank you, yes you are right. No point in ruminating about them. And I also believe she does not see this as a cheating.. but hell it is like living in the kingdom of crooked mirrors.. she is still married, she did commitment, it is not like we both are not married so she breaks up with me and moves on.. Deformed personality maybe? or affair fog? I do not know but I can tell you that I do not know her anymore. She was not like this before and I know her for 10 years.. it looks like they have normal relationship already at least from what I have seen in her cell phone... it's disgusting... but it is as it is. You know I have gone throuh those phases like denial, anger...now I am slowly accepting this a a fact.. but did started working on myself even during the time when I did not know about her affair. She was cold as ice and distant, indifferent and during this hard time I started GAL, because I had a gut feeling that something is not right so when maybe divorce comes into the play, I am prepared to move on with or without her..
