I am new to this community and also I am not a english native speaker (I am from the heart of Europe) so please have patience with me. Apology for grammer errors also I need to get familiar with abbreviations.
My story in a nutshell. I am married for almost 7 years and I am 37yo. My wife is 32. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage. So we are in relationship for the last 10 years and have two kids (4 and 6 yo). Things started to crash last year on November when I wife started working again after long maternity leave. She was 5 years at home with kids. Last 3 years I was working from home due to covid, and still do. But my wife was frustrated, exhausted (me also), so there was less romance, less attention because we both focused on other aspects of daily life (kids, chores, illness, etc..). Apparently it was not enough for my wife even though I did care. When she started working as a nurse she met one guy a massager. She started an affair. It was very instant for her and for him, it took maybe 3 weeks for the guy to tell her he is in love with her, and same for my wife. I know that because when I wanted to download photos from her old cell phone into the comp, I have seen the sms. She started to be distant, cold as ice, stonewalled me for 6 weeks, and said she has no feelings for me anymore, that she lied to herself that she is satisfied in the marriage with me and other crap. She lied into my eyes when I asked her in January if there is another man involved or if she loved me she said yes I love you and there is no other man, she just felf emotional emptiness. In the beginning of May, she finally confessed that she has feelings for another man. In fact it was not just feeling but it was full blown affair that started in November last year and still carry on. I was shocked, devastated, angry and you know all those feelings.. but I never begged nor pleaded her. She perfectly knew what was in stake but she said she chosen him and kids over me. I said her that this will not continue infront of my eyes and she did not want to end it because she is madly in love with him. So she said she wants a divorce as the only ultimate solution because she said if she cut him off and returned to the marriage, her feelings towards me are not going to change.. So two months passed and she still did not file for divorce but she is in daily touch with him over her phone and when she is at work they are together. Apparently she wants to eat her cake..But she hides it as much as possible so it does not looks like she has an affair from the first sight. She respects my boundaries but I cannot controll her to stop chatting with him or meeting in person while at work. Now I do not know what to do. I behave correctly, do not shout at her, I would say I implemented limited no contact, we talk about kids, houshold ..I am not needy..I started living my own life as well, started working out.. My ultimate goal was to save our marriage, our family unit. Should I wait until she files for divorce herself or should I do it myself first? We do not have something like legal separation here so the only option is either divorce or she moves out by her choise since I cannot kick her out. I still love her despite the fact what she did to me and our family. Apparently she has an anxious attachment style because I recall she constantly seeked attention, affection, affirmation etc.. but when hour both kids were born I had to split the attention to them plus other stuff like work etc.. I know I should manage that better but it is how it is.. now she is 9 months in an affair. Is she still in limerence of can this be true love (despite the fact it was based on lies, betrayal..). What can I do to break the spell? Does she ever come back to me? Or should I move on with my life and let divorce take its course? I am really sorry for our kids, they did not deserve this.. Mature wife would be addressing all the concerns to the husband but my wife decided to cope with problems her way.. Thanks for your opinions.
