H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Now, how to distance from H.

I think I’ve got what you’ve shared sorted out correctly. Forgive me if I got something wrong. (And correct me. )

XW seems to be in H’s life too much. And in the incorrect capacity. I think you’ve already clearly stated that to H. If not, you probably should do so. Then let it be. No more relationship talks.

Next, shut down the cake shop. If H is getting the best of both worlds, he is unlikely going to look to change anything.

Implement boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour from H should not be tolerated. Stated your boundary, then hold it hard. Make it rock solid! H will test it. He will try to break it. You hold solid.

A boundary is for you. It’s not something to fix H. It’s a mechanism for you to lessen disrespect towards you, and for you to heal. (There is a good link on boundaries in the welcome thread.)

Treat H as a roommate. As a cashier at the store. Be kind and cordial, and not too friendly.

Hi DnJ,

Sorry it’s taken a while to reply.

Yes XW is in H’s life too much and it has ramped up in the last year since we got married and in the wrong capacity. I have spent so much time over the last 6 years on and off of trying to convince H that he does not need to have the contact that he has with XW. I have cried and yelled and pleaded and begged and levelled with him. To no avail. In the last 6 weeks since finding DB and trying to do 180’s, I have gone grey and ignored their contact as much as possible.


I read you loud and clear about boundary setting and am doing this. I don’t say I’m setting a boundary I just do it.

I know last week, you suggested that I not see H over the next 5 days and make myself busy. I wasn’t able to cancel our plans and tbh, I didn’t want to because H being at my place, we are fairly uninterrupted by XW and Skids and I can implement my DBing, which I did do a lot of.

So, after 5 days being together, H was the most attentive and affectionate he has been since we first got together. He asked me what I wanted to do for my 50th which is 6 months away. He was even a lot more tender with sex which is a first actually. Overall, I consistently did my 180’s that I know how to do. We left on a wonderful, loving note. Until yesterday…

H left 2 days ago and said that he missed me and hated being home (which he normally doesn’t say). There were no prompts from me. Now for the baffling behaviour… H revealed to me yesterday that this weekend coming, he ‘has’ to go with XW somewhere to fill in some paperwork for SD. He said he wasn’t sure where and when. This weekend SD wants H and I to do something nice for her B’day. Last night, I was so upset about this, I vented at Karate and went home and didn’t take his calls until I rang him this morning. I have been leaving H to initiate contact of late and this morning I didn’t. H picked a fight about money. I do all the account keeping and budgeting and on the weekend, he asked that I just get him cash for his weekly budget (which is not like him) and then said he was wanting to have some money to himself for his own expenses. Wtf? I tried so hard not to react as he was baiting me about how busy he was over the next few days and when I asked what he was up to, he got annoyed with me and said he didn’t have to tell me everything!

I was so shocked! So I agreed with him and texted him that I think it’s a great idea that we stay autonomous and have some ‘Private’ money and not have to disclose what we spend our money on. I’ve started texting H when he is angry as a boundary because I refuse to be yelled at over the phone and I now hang up. I then let him know why I hung up. This was before he sent a text to say he wouldn’t be wanting to have other money and to just let him know what our next project is. It was really submissive. I help him with his business. I have not heard from him since I suggested that we have autonomy with our finances and have some ‘Private’ money.

Another thing that has baffled me is H has been watching a show about Affairs and how he couldn’t stand me having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. He was also really upset that I didn’t talk to him last night as I just couldn’t handle him having to be with XW and said our talk time was our time together on the phone. It is so confusing!!!

What I have figured out is that since I have been DBing and H is coming back into our marriage, it actually feels worse when he jumps back out. Before, he was just angry with me most of the time and picked fights so I didn’t know how bad things were when was out of the marriage because it was most of the time. Now, he is back in and then out. XW just clicks her fingers it seems and he is there. Another thing that happened when he was here for 5 days and all was well, I caught him on his phone texting someone and sat down in front of him and saw the reflection in his glasses. He quickly swiped to a new page on phone and lied and said he was texting no one. He got annoyed. Me asking was an old habit, but he was so secretive. He is usually not secretive with texts. When H was here, it was the only hint of A with XW and also when he rang SD, XW chimed in, in the background to try and engage him. I just walked out of the room when this happened.

This weekend coming, I plan to keep to myself until the day we spend with SD and allow H and XW to do their ‘thing’ whatever the paperwork bs is. I’m so tired of trying to point out how wrong this contact is. Now that I don’t, it is getting worse, but I don’t want to stop the runaway train of the A so it has a chance to implode. SIL believes XW is trying to destroy our M and I’m trying so hard not to involve her anymore.

I’m figuring when H comes to me for our time together, I do my DBing without distraction and then go darkish when XW is hovering and he is getting cake elsewhere.

Is this normal, the going back and forth between M and OW? Last weekend was amazing with H, I just can’t believe the turnaround.

I really welcome feedback. I’m now reading DR!

Kanga