Hi Pattnee. Please understand my post comes from a place of kindness, even if it’s a bit blunt.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I messed up this morning 😭 my brain was in overload this morning I was thinking “why would H want to return to this marriage what has changed for him” and I kept thinking about all the self growth and self realisation of my neglect during the year and how I put others ahead and just let him coast without checking in more. I felt so guilty and throufh tears I sent him a message 😔😔 I apologised for neglecting him as a lover as a husband and most importantly let our best friend status slip. I told him I have changed so much within myself and I don’t want us to separate and I want a new beginning a fresh start with him as I believe in us as the soulmates we always thought we were. I know please scold me immensely for this. He did respond thanking me for apologising and also apologised for his neglect. He then proceeded to say “you know how I feel and what I want and you need to accept that”. I guess I deserved another crushing moment.
I took myself off for a walk felt horrible within myself and the fact that I am still clinging to this marriage which I strongly believe still has a heartbeat somewhere buried under the rubbish. He came past later in the day to pick up S12 and take him out for an activity. I was busying myself at the time doing housework with music on changing the sheets and he came in to help. I told him it wasn’t necessary but he insisted and even threw a few “ friendly smiles”. I honestly felt dead inside. Only 7 months ago this man was lying in this bed hugging me telling me he loves me and now we are here. I didn’t really go out of my way to interact much more after that. He is still full steam ahead saying he is working out financials before we sit and discuss things then proceed to lawyers. I know this man, I lived with him for 20 years I know him better than anyone even better than himself. I am not convinced he is 100% sure on this and is rather just going through the motions because he has said it he now needs to go through with it. He has been on a see saw for months giving me false hope he is coming out of it with spending time together touching affection, only now to slam the lawyer move on our anniversary. Goodness me I hate my friend “expectation”
Anyway I am ok despite my absolute rubbish move this morning. Everyone ( and I mean everyone) around me keep telling me that the only way he will possibly get himself together or sorted is if I “kick him to the curb”. Everyone is telling me to tough love him but I am far too kind. It’s not even out of guilt or anything. I vowed for good and bad and this is the bad so why can’t I walk away.
How can it be so incredibly hard for me to tough love him. I can now see nothing I do or say is working in helping him return to his former self or home. I tried to be nice and allow the contact when he wanted, allowed the spending time together the hugs.I can absolutely see that didn’t even work for a second so why am I finding this so darn hard. I think it comes from if I give up on him he will have absolutely nobody and I was the one that was always determined in everything and was never going to give up on him. I needed to be that lighthouse but he doesn’t even want a lighthouse. And boy oh boy my mind is playing some horrible tricks now, making me question is the mlc even real or am I clutching at reasons.
I really am right back at square one now I feel. I’ve read “you will not die” over and over again today and everyone keeps saying I will be ok. But it sure doesn’t feel like it.
I have moments of feeling really good and strong and getting my power back then out of nowhere my roller coaster hurtles toward the ground. The one positive thing is I no longer miss him next to me at night anymore. I no longer want to tell him exciting stuff that’s happened in my day. So small win but right now I’ll take anything
I’m sorry for my vent. I know my family and friends are getting sick of it but don’t understand.
Point 1: You’re human Pattnee. We all are. We all make mistakes and most of us tried the Hail Mary email/letter/text.
Why don’t you stop beating yourself up so much about it? He’s using you as a punching bag just fine on his own, you don’t have to join in!
Point 2: Easy for me to say, I know…. You’ll probably say “but you don’t understand how great our marriage was” or “no-one can understand how unfair this is”… but I’m going to say it anyway.
You need to stop analysing every little action/reaction/word/conversation/event/message. Just put your walls down and stop trying to micro-manage and micro-analyse everything. If I told you it’s very unlikely that anything you do or say (or don’t do or say) will make ANY difference to the outcome here, would you drop the rope? You can’t think your way out of this.
Point 3: He’s doing chores like a mad-man because he feels guilty. It’s that simple. Nothing more, nothing less.
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H did ask if he could come in and help S12 with something. I said fine and just busied myself with the ironing. He saw I was making burgers for dinner and asked if he should come over for dinner. I said “ I don’t mind either way” he looked at me weirdly and just walked out. I called after him and said bye and he said nothing( my plan was if he was going to have dinner I was going to go and sit in the bath anyway because the last few months when I thought I had hope he had been sitting with me chatting at the table at night). Anyway about 3 minutes later he sent a message and said he won’t come and have dinner but can he take the kids and have dinner with them tomorrow. I guess I just put up w boundary he didn’t like? I did also tell him not to bother doing the house chores as it is a bit of a slap in the face for me now considering it was one of the reasons he used for not wanting to love me or stayed married. He just said ok. Guess he has had a bit of a hissy fit. Half expecting him now to escalate the lawyer talk and get things moving quick smart.
Point 4: He asked something that’s completely reasonable (can he stay for dinner). You gave a completely reasonable answer (I don’t mind either way). He looked at your weirdly? Over-analysing. He walked out to leave - completely reasonable. You called out to him as he left - because you’re hyper focused on trying to do/say the right thing. He messaged and said he won’t come for dinner but wants to see kids - completely reasonable. You started trying to guess if that was him responding to a boundary. You told him to stop doing house chores and gave a lecture about it being one of his reasons to leave you? But why exactly? To exert some sort of control over what he can and can’t do if he’s leaving you? You guess he had a bit of a hissy fit? You’re reading WAY too much into it. I’m guessing he thought about the whole interaction about 1% as much as you did.
Now you’re expecting sudden escalation from a lawyer? My goodness, do you ever stop rubbing that crystal ball?
Point 5: Have a think back over the above interaction from HIS point of view. If you were him, at the end of all that, do you think he would be MORE likely to be attracted to you or LESS likely? IMHO, all you’ve done is affirm to him that he needs to get away from this situation. You need to be mysterious, attractive, fun and upbeat… not controlling, worried, trying to appease or punish.
Imagine this… he comes in, sees you making burgers and asks if he can stay.
You say “Actually, these burgers are sh*t and I can’t be bothered making them.” Then you call out to S12 and say “let’s go out for burgers and milkshakes, see you at the car in 10 minutes.” You say nothing to STBXH, go upstairs, put some sexy clothes on with some perfume, come downstairs and say “oh, are you still here? You can keep folding sheets like my little laundry b****, or you can come out for burgers if you want, we’re leaving in 2 minutes.”
I’ll now ask the same question again. Do you think after flipping the script he would be MORE likely to be attracted to you or LESS likely?
Point 6: MWD says doing 180s is key. What you’ve been doing (over-analysing, controlling, worrying, projecting) hasn’t worked has it? Maybe you need to try the complete opposite.
