A little less lost? Pt 3

[Pattnee5]

More self reflection today. I remember a few months ago reading something about the best way to separate( and have a decent shot) is create good connection, attraction and good separation boundaries. Well safe to say I failed on all aspects there( maybe except the attraction because I have looked after myself and dolled myself up a few times to go out and felt good)
I def failed the boundaries. I now see the whole allowing H to come and go and be so involved in life as normal was def not the way to do. It certainly blurred the lines of what being separated is. Do I regret it? Probably not completely because I felt like at least I fought hard for H and my marriage.
What did I learn? That I am way too kind, my love for H ran so deep I hate giving up on people, and that I def gave my power away and let him control the path.
I kind of feel pretty rubbish again today realising this.

The connection part well I think I got that wrong too. You guys kept telling me to treat him like an acquaintance or neighbour, yet I kept trying to make him my H again.

Now I am finding I can’t even treat him like an acquaintance because I don’t know how to without coming across as mean.

Anyway just some self discovery today

Had a decent enough day, kept busy, walked, cooked dinner with the kids.
H did ask if he could come in and help S12 with something. I said fine and just busied myself with the ironing. He saw I was making burgers for dinner and asked if he should come over for dinner. I said “ I don’t mind either way” he looked at me weirdly and just walked out. I called after him and said bye and he said nothing( my plan was if he was going to have dinner I was going to go and sit in the bath anyway because the last few months when I thought I had hope he had been sitting with me chatting at the table at night).
Anyway about 3 minutes later he sent a message and said he won’t come and have dinner but can he take the kids and have dinner with them tomorrow. I guess I just put up w boundary he didn’t like? I did also tell him not to bother doing the house chores as it is a bit of a slap in the face for me now considering it was one of the reasons he used for not wanting to love me or stayed married.
He just said ok. Guess he has had a bit of a hissy fit. Half expecting him now to escalate the lawyer talk and get things moving quick smart.

I actually feel really indifferent now. I don’t feel hurt or sorry for him or worried if I have ruined any chance( let’s be honest they are long gone)
I’m more critical on myself now and my handling the last few months and whether my actions ruined any chances anyway

I am struggling now on how to have that “ connection” without being a completely mean angry person. It’s almost like I don’t even want to look at him or smile anymore. He has absolutely defeated me.