Now, after months of dissecting and thinking about things I am even almost convinced that he never completely finished his MLC just "paused" it if that is even possible.
Yes, that is possible.
Once a person embarks upon their crisis, they need to finish it. To see it through to completion. If their crisis gets interrupted, they’ll likely resume the crisis years later and it is usually worse the second time around. Most times, a midlife crisis more gets delayed and/or stuck in the replay/running stage from external forces. However, your H’s time in jail was a pretty big wake up call from the universe.
Still, unrealized and unresolved past issues and trauma(s) remained. H did not get to the root. And things buried alive will haunt later. To me, it sounds like H is resuming his previous crisis. Did something happen say 12-24 months ago? A trigger happens quite silently and usually goes unnoticed.
MLC is triggered by some event, say a wedding, or death, or promotion, or such; something significant to the MLCer. This event stirs/wakens past traumas from when they were young. Usually traumas from an authority figure during their younger years. These crisis folks are emotionally stunted from this time, this age. And they need to grow up from then/there.
A crisis happens around midlife since mortality is coming into view. They feel like they’ve missed out on living life. They feel they’ve been too responsible, worked too hard, raised kids, etc, etc. So they drop the bomb, destroy their life, cause lots of collateral damage, and run!
Running behaviours is the MLCers attempt at redoing their younger life. Lots start spending, drinking, doing drugs, and other illicit behaviours; anything to quash their feelings, and to feel something. The skateboarding at 57 is good example of how and when the feel they are.
Feel. A crisis is an emotional path. It will not make rational sense. A MLCer will behave illogically. They will do what they feel they want to do. It’s all about trying to alleviate/silence their pain and ceaseless torment. Realize they are consumed by their crisis. For years those unrealized demons were buried, and they will now no longer be ignored.
Of course, the MLCer does not know this. And they will argue against such. In fact, they will believe nothing is wrong and they are living their authentic life, or found their soulmate, or whatever their band-aid fix is at that moment.
Affairs are staggeringly common for a MLCer. The affair partner means nothing. They are merely a band-aid, a symptom of the crisis.
Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H’s crisis about him, not you. He is on a journey and you (thankfully) were not invited.
A MLC spouse becomes the opposite of who they once were. It will seem like an alien has taken over their body. Oddly, that is a pretty apt description of them. The alien is themselves from that long ago time - just with money, a car, an adult ID, and a really entitled attitude. Like a horribly rebellious teenager. Anything, anyone, in the way of a crisis will be mowed down.
Originally Posted by Love4Him
So yes!! I am borderline crazy right now and the only thing keeping me from crossing the line is GOD helping me through all this [censored]. I am so grateful I found Him in my darkest times when the first MLC was going on.
Breathe. Just breathe.
You are not crazy!
You are among those that understand and have walked in similar shoes. (((Hugs)))
The basic DBing for a crisis are time and space. H needs to find his way. Any pressure from you would just push him out the door faster. Give him plenty of time and space.
Focus on you and your kids. A crisis individual usually becomes self centered and really starts to lack empathy.
Work on detaching. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Let go. No relationship talks.
Stay strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
