I messed up this morning đ my brain was in overload this morning I was thinking âwhy would H want to return to this marriage what has changed for himâ and I kept thinking about all the self growth and self realisation of my neglect during the year and how I put others ahead and just let him coast without checking in more. I felt so guilty and throufh tears I sent him a message đđ I apologised for neglecting him as a lover as a husband and most importantly let our best friend status slip. I told him I have changed so much within myself and I donât want us to separate and I want a new beginning a fresh start with him as I believe in us as the soulmates we always thought we were. I know please scold me immensely for this. He did respond thanking me for apologising and also apologised for his neglect. He then proceeded to say âyou know how I feel and what I want and you need to accept thatâ. I guess I deserved another crushing moment.
I took myself off for a walk felt horrible within myself and the fact that I am still clinging to this marriage which I strongly believe still has a heartbeat somewhere buried under the rubbish. He came past later in the day to pick up S12 and take him out for an activity. I was busying myself at the time doing housework with music on changing the sheets and he came in to help. I told him it wasnât necessary but he insisted and even threw a few â friendly smilesâ. I honestly felt dead inside. Only 7 months ago this man was lying in this bed hugging me telling me he loves me and now we are here. I didnât really go out of my way to interact much more after that. He is still full steam ahead saying he is working out financials before we sit and discuss things then proceed to lawyers. I know this man, I lived with him for 20 years I know him better than anyone even better than himself. I am not convinced he is 100% sure on this and is rather just going through the motions because he has said it he now needs to go through with it. He has been on a see saw for months giving me false hope he is coming out of it with spending time together touching affection, only now to slam the lawyer move on our anniversary. Goodness me I hate my friend âexpectationâ
Anyway I am ok despite my absolute rubbish move this morning. Everyone ( and I mean everyone) around me keep telling me that the only way he will possibly get himself together or sorted is if I âkick him to the curbâ. Everyone is telling me to tough love him but I am far too kind. Itâs not even out of guilt or anything. I vowed for good and bad and this is the bad so why canât I walk away.
How can it be so incredibly hard for me to tough love him. I can now see nothing I do or say is working in helping him return to his former self or home. I tried to be nice and allow the contact when he wanted, allowed the spending time together the hugs.I can absolutely see that didnât even work for a second so why am I finding this so darn hard. I think it comes from if I give up on him he will have absolutely nobody and I was the one that was always determined in everything and was never going to give up on him. I needed to be that lighthouse but he doesnât even want a lighthouse. And boy oh boy my mind is playing some horrible tricks now, making me question is the mlc even real or am I clutching at reasons.
I really am right back at square one now I feel. Iâve read âyou will not dieâ over and over again today and everyone keeps saying I will be ok. But it sure doesnât feel like it.
I have moments of feeling really good and strong and getting my power back then out of nowhere my roller coaster hurtles toward the ground. The one positive thing is I no longer miss him next to me at night anymore. I no longer want to tell him exciting stuff thatâs happened in my day. So small win but right now Iâll take anything
Iâm sorry for my vent. I know my family and friends are getting sick of it but donât understand.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
