H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[DnJ]

Hello K

Please don’t get disheartened by the idea of divorce or the discussions of it. Divorce is a possibility. Knowing about it, can help you avoid some pitfalls. And knowledge is power.

Do get Divorce Remedy, it is an excellent book. Read it cover to cover, several times. (Only the first chapter is online.)

Keep DR and all your DB wisdom and this site from H. Do not share any of this with him. H will see it as manipulation and will fight against it. DB is your playbook, and right now H is not on team Kanga.

How do I distance from H when we are going to be spending the next 5 days together? Would you be able to give me examples? We spend exclusive time together because we are too far apart to drive home from one another’s place of an evening. We also work together.

At the moment, I don’t make a lot of eye contact with him and I’m standing straighter with an ‘air’ of holding back/slightly aloof, yet, friendly. So hard to juggle this. I’m being more independent in his company, and also saying to him, I’m just going to have some quiet time. All 180s for me. The last time I did this, H reacted and was upset with me as a collective of things that I did. I reflected back and I realised I made a mistake in my behaviour. This time together, I’m going to try and keep doing independent things. It’s really hard because we love spending time together and working on our stuff. It’s the time that we really relax into our M and have a lot of fun. Our sex life has always been pretty good and I don’t want to let that drop. How do I DB with that?

First off, when you make a 180, H is likely to have a poor reaction as his balanced world gets tilted. This is a good thing. And also, shrug, don’t worry about it. You make changes for you! These are not an act to try to win H back.

The changes you like and that resonate with you - keep them. Make them permanent. For the ones that fall flat, drop em and try something else.

Before I met H, I was sure of myself. I was fun and jolly. I had a great dress sense and was very creative.

Find this gal again!


Now, how to distance from H.

I think I’ve got what you’ve shared sorted out correctly. Forgive me if I got something wrong. (And correct me. )

XW seems to be in H’s life too much. And in the incorrect capacity. I think you’ve already clearly stated that to H. If not, you probably should do so. Then let it be. No more relationship talks.

Next, shut down the cake shop. If H is getting the best of both worlds, he is unlikely going to look to change anything.

Implement boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour from H should not be tolerated. Stated your boundary, then hold it hard. Make it rock solid! H will test it. He will try to break it. You hold solid.

A boundary is for you. It’s not something to fix H. It’s a mechanism for you to lessen disrespect towards you, and for you to heal. (There is a good link on boundaries in the welcome thread.)

Treat H as a roommate. As a cashier at the store. Be kind and cordial, and not too friendly.

We spend exclusive time together because we are too far apart to drive home from one another’s place of an evening.

I get you and he live two hours apart. Still, go home. Do not stay over.

I commuted two hours each way for work. Yeah, it ain’t great. However, it is doable.

How far is work from you? Why are going to H’s place?

Be busy these five days. You are not going home and pinning for him. When H asked if you are coming over, “No. I’m going out for dinner and then heading home.” Next night, you’re going to see some friends, got other plans, etc.

H isn’t stepping up to the plate like the husband you want and deserve. Don’t reward him for it.

Find yourself again. Keep moving forward. And let H run to catch up to you.

None of this is done out of meanness or malice. H is making choices regarding XW/OW, and he gets his consequences is all.

D