I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Sunflyer]

Sun Thankyou. I m so envious of how well you have coped and taken this on the chin.

I actually feel so deflated and hollow. I know I deserve better I know I wouldn’t take him back like this I know all of that. It just still feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest on a daily basis.

They say if you love someone set them free. It’s hard to do but I am trying despite the silent pain.
I am pretty good now at putting on my happy face mask and hiding behind it. Still working, walking heaps, speaking to IC too, def doing a lot of self care but the waves of tears hit me and the self doubt that I could and should have done more are hard to control.

Deep down I know it’s a crisis, he’s in turmoil, he needs an overhaul and I am not the one he’s chosen to help him heal. It’s still hard to accept when you have been with someone for so many years and you always both felt you were soulmates.

I still want to be the lighthouse regardless of lawyers signing financial agreement documents 😔

I can absolutely assure you that if I have coped well, it is mainly because of my need to present a strong, mature front to my two sons. I do fear for what this may mean for their own future and how they will view marriages. Marriages shouldn't be disposable. If someone runs into speed bumps, the default solution shouldn't be, "Well, I can just get a new marriage."

There were days, especially when this started, when I had a hard time getting up in the morning. Days I felt physically ill. As with you, the waves of pain still come, and will continue to come. It is okay to grieve. It is normal.

I didn't meet W until I was in my early 30s. I had dated a lot of women in the preceding years. I am an introvert and don't require a lot of friends or people around me, but I wanted companionship like most people. And I wanted it for the long haul. It was insanely hard to find. I didn't mind being alone, but I couldn't stand being lonely. I'm fine being by myself, as long as I have a safe haven to come back to eventually.

When I met W, I couldn't believe how we "clicked." Our first conversation was three hours. And unlike me, she was an extrovert. She drew me out. We both valued family and home life. She seemed to have devotion that was boundless. She told me that the only way we'd break up is if I wanted to. I felt that infidelity, violence, or addiction might be serious threats to our marriage (if they happened); anything else that might come along, we'd work through.

Obviously, that's not the way it is turning out.

I know what you are saying when you think about all those years. You might look back at experiences you couldn't dream you'd have, but you had them with him. I don't think I've ever faced anything tougher than this, myself. Even when my parents passed away wasn't like this. It was hard to take, but they lived into their 80s which put it into perspective. They had good lifespans.

We now feel that our marriages' "lifespans" are being cut prematurely. And like a life that ends too soon, we mourn.

[Sunflyer]

I just don’t know how to find my inner peace with this and the fact he has vaulted up his heart and mind and would rather just let us go instead of digging deep and working on stuff. He always praised my determination and the way I helped drive him and inspire him. Now he has put up a bullet proof fort and I feel like such a failure

You described well how it feels. I feel the same and find it just as hard to understand as you. One thing I am discovering, though, is that I am most certainly not a failure. I am learning that I am still what I was when I met W: a good, loving, open-hearted man with a lot to offer someone. In fact, being with W has taught me I probably underestimated myself when I was younger.

And at the same time, I also am very much flawed and imperfect. I won't consider myself a failure because of that. I will consider myself human because of that.

I will take the self-knowledge I am gaining and use it to craft a better future and a better me. You will do the same. The words from Kind and R2C are inspiring me as well.

Nobody is a failure who makes a positive impact on another's life.

[Pattnee5]

Time to continue my journey https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2946270&#Post2946270