I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Sunflyer]

Sun Thankyou. I m so envious of how well you have coped and taken this on the chin.

I actually feel so deflated and hollow. I know I deserve better I know I wouldn’t take him back like this I know all of that. It just still feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest on a daily basis.

They say if you love someone set them free. It’s hard to do but I am trying despite the silent pain.
I am pretty good now at putting on my happy face mask and hiding behind it. Still working, walking heaps, speaking to IC too, def doing a lot of self care but the waves of tears hit me and the self doubt that I could and should have done more are hard to control.

Deep down I know it’s a crisis, he’s in turmoil, he needs an overhaul and I am not the one he’s chosen to help him heal. It’s still hard to accept when you have been with someone for so many years and you always both felt you were soulmates.

I still want to be the lighthouse regardless of lawyers signing financial agreement documents 😔

I can absolutely assure you that if I have coped well, it is mainly because of my need to present a strong, mature front to my two sons. I do fear for what this may mean for their own future and how they will view marriages. Marriages shouldn't be disposable. If someone runs into speed bumps, the default solution shouldn't be, "Well, I can just get a new marriage."

There were days, especially when this started, when I had a hard time getting up in the morning. Days I felt physically ill. As with you, the waves of pain still come, and will continue to come. It is okay to grieve. It is normal.

I didn't meet W until I was in my early 30s. I had dated a lot of women in the preceding years. I am an introvert and don't require a lot of friends or people around me, but I wanted companionship like most people. And I wanted it for the long haul. It was insanely hard to find. I didn't mind being alone, but I couldn't stand being lonely. I'm fine being by myself, as long as I have a safe haven to come back to eventually.

When I met W, I couldn't believe how we "clicked." Our first conversation was three hours. And unlike me, she was an extrovert. She drew me out. We both valued family and home life. She seemed to have devotion that was boundless. She told me that the only way we'd break up is if I wanted to. I felt that infidelity, violence, or addiction might be serious threats to our marriage (if they happened); anything else that might come along, we'd work through.

Obviously, that's not the way it is turning out.

I know what you are saying when you think about all those years. You might look back at experiences you couldn't dream you'd have, but you had them with him. I don't think I've ever faced anything tougher than this, myself. Even when my parents passed away wasn't like this. It was hard to take, but they lived into their 80s which put it into perspective. They had good lifespans.

We now feel that our marriages' "lifespans" are being cut prematurely. And like a life that ends too soon, we mourn.