H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[DnJ]

Hello Kanga

I’m a bit confused as to whether I ought to be piecing as well as 180’s, detaching etc.

Piecing is much further down the road.

The DB path is pretty counterintuitive. In the beginning, stuff will feel incorrect, will not be one’s default norm - doing 180’s for example. When it feels that way, you are likely doing pretty well.

For right now, time and space are needed for H. He needs to feel like his has lost you. Maybe then he will commit to the marriage.

Find detachment, that is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detach from H, his words, and his behaviours. Let it all go; just roll right off of you. I do know and realize, that is a lot easier said than done. (((Hug)))

I just can’t understand why she hasn’t moved on. And why he won’t keep setting boundaries. Is he cake eating? I have girlfriends who are divorced that don’t even want to be around their exes because they are happy that they have moved on or are resentful and don’t want to have anything to do with them

Divorced parents can have a cordial relationship for jointly raising their kids. However, your intuition, and H’s conversations and actions, do indicate something more than that. There may not be any PA, yet it certainly looks like a EA at the least. So yes to cake eating. H is stepping outside of the marriage for emotional comfort at the minimum.

Our conversations have been better because he is opening up. I really feel like it’s a competition between her and I as to who is going to be his bestfriend/soul mate.

Kanga, don’t compete with XW. She is a symptom of H’s problems. She is a band-aid for him. You are the prize! Do not lower yourself to completing to see which of the “girls” will become H’s best friend or soulmate!

Best thing you can do - step away from that. Do not see XW as a rival. Do treat her as a rival. Drop that rope.

I do feel what I’m doing is working. My goal now is to re-engage him with me. I also made a list of all the selfish things I have done in our R since Goal setting.

Read the part about the solutions journal in the Divorce Remedy book. Positive movement forward is by very small increments. A solutions journal is a somewhat map/guide you created when you are rational and clear minded. The wee positive achievements are easier to see that way. You then make your decisions and choices based upon rational logic thought rather than feelings.

That being said, do not keep looking for signs. This journey will take longer than you realize, or want it to. That’s ok. Time is your friend. Time is a gift. Use it wisely. Do your inner work.

In my opinion, do not work to re-engage with H. Let him feel the loss. Let him re-engage with you, on his own accord. You don’t place boulders on the path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either.

Keep posting my dear. Ask questions. There are many kind and compassionate folks here, with much hard-earned wisdom. And please don’t fret if it takes a few days for a response. Sometimes things occur rapidly around here, and other times it can be kind of slow for folks to get back to one another. Slow is really good practice for finding patience, a much needed tenet for these DB journeys.

Hang in there Kanga.

D