W asked to have a talk tonight. It always starts with, "Can we talk?" She actually walked into the kitchen while I was fixing dinner for myself and said, "I don't know if you want to talk while you eat." I told her no, I didn't wish to do that. I don't know why she thinks I would want to spend time talking about our breakup while I am attempting to enjoy food, but whatever.
Her main intention was to start talking about proposals. Most of what she suggested was along the lines of what I already knew was coming: no spousal maintenance to be sought, intends to buy me out on the house (or, more accurately, to have her parents buy me out), general discussion of child support, etc.
She wants support to continue beyond the legal age required by the state, particularly if either boy is still in college. I am not sure what to think of this. Obviously, I want to support the boys, and accept that I will be helping out for as long as I can, because that's what parents do. But I am not sure if I am on board if she wants to formalize an agreement that says something like "full support payments to continue until completion of graduate school" or something along those lines.
Then she went off on a long, angry tirade directed at my older sister (completely unprompted by me). My older sister is far from perfect but is pretty much the only sympathetic ear I have right now. She is upset at W for basically the same reasons as myself, and for giving up on the marriage. W expressed disappointment that my sister has not texted, called, or otherwise contacted her in the aftermath of her surgery. Said that all she did was send a "b******t get well card" which W said she tossed in the trash. Said that sister has been cold to her, despite the fact that W frequently received requests for help from my sister whenever she needed it in the past. Said she has always treated my sister well, and that my sister "has no idea what I have been going through" in the marriage.
(At this point, my head was reeling with irony, since I have not received a single supportive message from even one member of her family, despite never treating any of them badly, since this whole fiasco began. But I held my tongue on that).
She then repeatedly pressed me to tell her why my sister was treating her this way. Without apologizing for sister's behavior, I said that she was upset and that I didn't think it would be productive to go further than that at this time. W kept asking me, and I kept giving the same response, which exasperated her. At one point, she asked, "Does she think I am a bad mother?" which, of course, is ridiculous as her parenting skills have never come up.
My reason for not talking about this further is that it is impossible to do so without resurrecting our opposing views of the marriage, and will result in W stating once again how much suffering and pain she has gone through (all due to me, of course), and that we just don't understand her.
What a disaster.
Her: “Can we talk?” You: “I’m cooking my dinner, and then I’m going out to see a friend/to the gym/for a run.”
That’s it 🤷♂️
Every time you engage, you lose. You can never say the right thing. No-one on DB.com can teach you what to say, how to “win” these conversations or what are the “right things” to say to get your spouse back. It can’t be done.
If they say “I feel like…” you say “okay, it sounds like you’re feeling…” and then you leave. Validate and leave.
If they ask for a conversation or interaction, the answer should always be “I have plans”.
