I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Sun Thankyou. I m so envious of how well you have coped and taken this on the chin.
I really am kicking myself hardcore and have the guilts that I didn’t DB better and stronger when he moved our 3 months ago( or when he BD at Christmas). While I did do ok I hate that I was so hopeful, and clung to the idea he may change his mind, and to see him improve and want to be around us and smile and hug me and want to actually take steps toward us and then in one split second flips again. I can see now how DB would have stopped all the flip flopping and how I enabled this behaviour.

I actually feel so deflated and hollow. I know I deserve better I know I wouldn’t take him back like this I know all of that. It just still feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest on a daily basis. I am questioning everything. He even told me a few days ago “ I’m not depressed and I’m not having a MLC” so he already knows what I am thinking , and of course that makes me think and question myself and my assessment of the situation. I hate that I had an affair 9 years ago and now we find ourselves here. I do know even if I didn’t have it back then we most likely would be here now but the excuse would be something else.
I was always such a big fighter for love and for who I love and what I want, so I don’t regret fighting for this marriage and fighting to save our love. But I do now wish I cut him out completely at bD so he could live his reality he chose. I am just too kind unfortunately.
They say if you love someone set them free. It’s hard to do but I am trying despite the silent pain.
I am pretty good now at putting on my happy face mask and hiding behind it. Still working, walking heaps, speaking to IC too, def doing alot of self care but the waves of tears hit me and the self doubt that I could and should have done more are hard to control.

Deep down I know it’s a crisis, he’s in turmoil, he needs an overhaul and I am not the one he’s chosen to help him heal. It’s still hard to accept when you have been with someone for so many years and you always both felt you were soulmates.
As you can see I fluctuate between emotions, self doubt, anger, acceptance, then back to regret.
I still cling to hope he will go get himself sorted and return with a renewed mindset. I know it needs to be marriage 2.I grieve the loss of what we had and will never have again. I cling to hope of new beginnings if H chose to have the same values and want to walk my path.
I know it’s wrong and prob goes against all DB. This is all behind closed doors and I am not sharing any of this with H my thoughts my feelings. I still want to be the lighthouse regardless of lawyers signing financial agreement documents 😔