I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Kind18]

The hardest part is riding the emotions right now of it being so final of knowing we will never be together again.

The problem here is that what you covet is because you are used to it, not because it’s good or healthy.

Humans (especially adults) are incredibly inflexible and thrive on routine and repetition.

If someone told you drinking Coca-Cola for breakfast was bad for you, you’d agree. But if you’d had that for breakfast exclusively for the last twenty years, you’d wake up and probably really miss it if someone said you couldn’t have it.

It’s important to gain some external perspective on your situation (such as talking to a counsellor) so that you start to recognise the difference between what you’re used to and what’s good for you.

Right now, based on what I’m reading, what you long for is really not what’s best for you or children. One day on the future, perhaps it is - but right now, definitely no.

You’re going to get through this. Emotions are temporary. I guarantee you’ll feel differently tomorrow, and the day after, and a week/month/year from now.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind, I know it’s all very tough at times. I have been working with a therapist and also did a bit of intuitive counselling/healing too which I found grounded me a bit, meditating helps but I still have my bad days. I def know my current relationship or getting back into it is NOT good or Healthy anymore for me or the kids. I def don’t want to re enter it in its current state and do this all over again in a few years time.
I’ve just had a bit of a low mood day I think. Lots of self care, long walk, cooked dinner for the kids had a bath and feel so much calmer now.even spoke to a lawyer and again H and I discussed a few financials and how to structure it until he knows if he is leaving for a bit. He’s all for being completely fair, getting everything legally done and documented and ensuring kids needs are number 1. Felt calm, fine, indifferent really. Other days I would look at him dying to touch him or flirt or anything. This time I just felt so empty.Didn’t long to be his wife or touch him, kinda just look at him now and feel really indifferent. Good thing where we are from you can’t get a D until you have legally separated 12 months so there’s zero talk of D, more about splitting financials assets assessing living situations in an actual agreement.
I am normally an impatient person and super organised and need things done yesterday, so you can only imagine how testing this has all been too.

[Pattnee5]

Wanted to check in again. Been very up and down the last few days. Spoken to lawyer a few times and H a few times too about things. Made sure I put my “acquaintance “ face on when dealing with H face to face. I feel very empty even looking at him now.almost numb inside. I think I shocked H quite a few times too with the way I handled myself so maturely and calmly. I imagine he was waiting for me to beg and scream and when I didn’t and just talked amicably.
Anyway I am just feeling a bit of a proud moment how much better I am handling myself face to face. It was always so hard before . I think I’ve noticed I am letting go. I don’t care or think about where he is what he might be doing when and if I will hear from him. All the stuff I used to cling to before.

Behind closed doors I have had tears in the arms of family and friends. Never in front of the kids and usually can dust myself off within a few minutes and keep going. the hollow numbness inside is what’s hard. I have been giving him a very wide berth. I just keep telling myself to keep swimming for now. Kids are happy I am making sure I and around them all the time and it’s amazing how healing they are ❤️‍🩹

[Sunflyer]

I imagine he was waiting for me to beg and scream and when I didn’t and just talked amicably.
Anyway I am just feeling a bit of a proud moment how much better I am handling myself face to face. It was always so hard before.

This is a big step and very important. Shutting down those reactions that aren't going to help you. Very tough to do but you are handling it!

Behind closed doors I have had tears in the arms of family and friends. Never in front of the kids and usually can dust myself off within a few minutes and keep going. the hollow numbness inside is what’s hard. I have been giving him a very wide berth. I just keep telling myself to keep swimming for now. Kids are happy I am making sure I and around them all the time and it’s amazing how healing they are ❤️‍🩹

Nothing wrong with letting out the frustration where he won't see or hear it. The kids are a BIG help in keeping your mood up. I know mine are helping me. Keep swimming is all we can do.

One of the things I find useful for me is to mentally picture myself doing something I enjoy without her. Then I try to do it at the earliest opportunity. I also try to picture my future as content and happy even if she is not involved in it. I picture myself continuing to do those things I like, seeing my kids often and catching up with them, and sometimes I even picture myself with a new love. I don't know when I would be ready for something like that, but I find that I can picture it, I don't feel guilty about it, and it is a good, positive thought. And I cling to anything good and positive right now.

I realize this may not all work for you. But use whatever positive thoughts you feel comfortable with. They really do help.

[Pattnee5]

Sun Thankyou. I m so envious of how well you have coped and taken this on the chin.
I really am kicking myself hardcore and have the guilts that I didn’t DB better and stronger when he moved our 3 months ago( or when he BD at Christmas). While I did do ok I hate that I was so hopeful, and clung to the idea he may change his mind, and to see him improve and want to be around us and smile and hug me and want to actually take steps toward us and then in one split second flips again. I can see now how DB would have stopped all the flip flopping and how I enabled this behaviour.

I actually feel so deflated and hollow. I know I deserve better I know I wouldn’t take him back like this I know all of that. It just still feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest on a daily basis. I am questioning everything. He even told me a few days ago “ I’m not depressed and I’m not having a MLC” so he already knows what I am thinking , and of course that makes me think and question myself and my assessment of the situation. I hate that I had an affair 9 years ago and now we find ourselves here. I do know even if I didn’t have it back then we most likely would be here now but the excuse would be something else.
I was always such a big fighter for love and for who I love and what I want, so I don’t regret fighting for this marriage and fighting to save our love. But I do now wish I cut him out completely at bD so he could live his reality he chose. I am just too kind unfortunately.
They say if you love someone set them free. It’s hard to do but I am trying despite the silent pain.
I am pretty good now at putting on my happy face mask and hiding behind it. Still working, walking heaps, speaking to IC too, def doing alot of self care but the waves of tears hit me and the self doubt that I could and should have done more are hard to control.

Deep down I know it’s a crisis, he’s in turmoil, he needs an overhaul and I am not the one he’s chosen to help him heal. It’s still hard to accept when you have been with someone for so many years and you always both felt you were soulmates.
As you can see I fluctuate between emotions, self doubt, anger, acceptance, then back to regret.
I still cling to hope he will go get himself sorted and return with a renewed mindset. I know it needs to be marriage 2.I grieve the loss of what we had and will never have again. I cling to hope of new beginnings if H chose to have the same values and want to walk my path.
I know it’s wrong and prob goes against all DB. This is all behind closed doors and I am not sharing any of this with H my thoughts my feelings. I still want to be the lighthouse regardless of lawyers signing financial agreement documents 😔

[Pattnee5]

Sorry I should just reiterate something. I am generally ok, I am just heartbroken. Still playing the game and being amazing for my mum. But the waves I am struggling with, and how to really dig deeper and find my inner peace. I have accepted this is happening and am mourning this loss that h has chosen this path, but I just don’t know how to find my inner peace with this and the fact he has vaulted up his heart and mind and would rather just let us go instead of digging deep and working on stuff. He always praised my determination and the way I helped drive him and inspire him. Now he has put up a bullet proof fort and I feel like such a failure

[Ready2Change]

HUGS

[Kind18]

What R2C said!

At one point when my situation was at its worst, I went to a doctor to get a few days off work. He was a 70 year old man with white hair.

He listened carefully for a few mins, immediately wrote a certificate for a few a days, told me if I needed any more days off to come straight back, and then as I went to leave, he said “oh, one more thing I forgot…”

Bear in mind, he’s an old man and I’m a 41 year old male.

He stood up, walked around his desk, walked all the way over to me, and gave me a huge bear hug. For like ten seconds.

Then he eventually lets me go and says “I’ve been there. Divorce is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life. And sometimes you just need a random bear hug from a stranger to remind you the world is a good place and that everything, one day, will be okay.”

That hug was the best thing anyone did for me during my whole divorce.

Go hug it out!

[Ready2Change]

Then he eventually lets me go and says “I’ve been there. Divorce is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life. And sometimes you just need a random bear hug from a stranger to remind you the world is a good place and that everything, one day, will be okay.”

It will be better than OK. You will thrive. Keep up all the personal growth. Make whatever changes to your behavior you want.

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind and R2C. So true sometimes we just need a hug or to curl up in someone’s arms and just cry. I thought I was doing so well, I cycle between acceptance and grief. However I just feel numb and like I was bowled over by a truck.
I am mourning what was( although not ideal the lash 12 months). I think I am also mourning the fact that it can never be like that again. H can’t just walk through the door without a complete overhaul and a lot of work.
It’s also tough when family keep expecting you to “be ok” and just want to tell you to hurry up and get on with it. Nobody understands this unless they have walked this path and honestly you guys on here are the only ones I feel understand.
MLC [censored]. I hope I never go through one myself