This is going to be long, but I’ve been married for 43--almost 44 YEARS--so there’s a LOT to share.
My husband (known as *C*) finished his surgical residency (ENT, 6 years long) in 1991 and began a fellowship in Nashville in late June of that year. We moved, all five of us—our three sons, my husband and me—into a new culture with no support from family, little money but with hopes this Otology Fellowship (one of the best in the country) would be the ticket to a fulfilling life for all of us. It was a disaster, with C being abused and scapegoated and finally being “fired” four months into the fellowship. C’s self-esteem took a nose-dive.
I had been substitute teaching in the school system in Nashville during his fellowship and continued to do so while he looked for locum tenums in the area because we had NO MONEY to move back to the Chicago area and our families. The thought was he would find something temporary that would pay the bills while he looked for something permanent back north. He found a position at Fort Campbell, Kentucky—45 minutes from Nashville—taking care of military dependents. Within a month or two, he was having an emotional affair with the mother of one of his young patients. We had been married for 12/13 years at that point.
My first experience with Divorce Busting was in 1992, soon after the first book came out. Along with a pair of excellent marriage counselors, I credit the 180-technique getting us back on track but not without some unresolved issues. During the last two years of C’s residency, I had been raped and sexual assaulted by my boss, a Presbyterian minister, but had been told by my In-Laws to never disturb, disrupt or bother C with any problem. I was expected to handle everything—from my rape to the robbery of our home and issues with our kids—by myself so he was able to focus on his training. I did handle everything and the rape—but not the sexual assault—came out in our counseling. While C seemed “sorry” I went through that, he didn’t see how it concerned him, since he was “in love” with this other person. I never told him the full story and tried to deal with it by myself with all the ramifications that the rape and sexual assault left behind.
We moved back to Chicago and the southern suburbs, and our marriage seemed back on track and very happy. Our kids were thriving in a wonderful school system with wonderful programs for all of them. Our eldest son, R, has autism and the special ed was outstanding and the gifted programs for the younger two were wonderful as well. There was a local chapter of the Autism Society of America in the area, so there was, for the first time, some support for all of us for his disability. I went back to graduate school for my MM in Choral Conducting. C bought an ENT practice and a hearing aid business. We became respected members of the community, C became a board member of the local professional symphony orchestra, and I had an excellent church choir job, founded a community children’s choir as well as an elite chamber choir. We had symphony tickets and opera tickets and other tickets because we decided it was best to have “built in” dates as our lives were very busy.
Our younger two took piano lessons, cello and percussion lessons and R took swimming at the local special rec. Our youngest, B, is a very gifted musician, playing both piano and cello (and organ and harpsichord), and won three concerto competitions while he was in high school. Our middle son, G, is a very good percussionist and excelled in mathematics and the sciences. R improved with great teachers, but is non-verbal, and will always need care.
When B was a senior in high school, he had some issues and was finally diagnosed with Bi-polar depression. Finding the correct medication was difficult and we pulled him out of school with a tutor so he could graduate with his class. It was not easy. G and B both have multiple degrees—G in mathematics, physics and law and B in piano performance. R had been in an adult day program but during COVID, was pulled out because of infection issues in the facility.
Things were going well—we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary in 2019 and we were HAPPY—until COVID hit. C was exposed, sometimes on a daily basis, to COVID before vaccinations were approved and it was very scary. R was living with us and B, while he had a decent job, it didn’t pay very well and he lived with us while he prepared, practiced and studied before applying to doctoral programs. During the beginning of the pandemic and restrictions, B, like many with mental health issues, was having problems. He lied about taking his meds and I became the Med Police. All the while, C was upset with me for “complaining” to him about B being “mean” to me when B was, quite frankly, off his rocker!
Always involved with music, I could not have rehearsals and we could not go to concerts. We took online classes and C found a Zoom classical music appreciation class based in Los Angles for “music lovers” and signed right up. I sat in for one or two of those classes, but as a professional musician, it didn’t appeal to me and thought it was shameless self-promotion by the teacher, but C loved it. Everyone thought C was so bright, had so much knowledge about classical music and stroked his ego BIG TIME. C told me I didn’t appreciate him enough and his musical knowledge and mentioned this more than once. His dear, dear, DEAR friends have told him we “married too young,” had children “too quickly” and had “too much responsibility at a young age” and suggested he needs to “find himself.” He’s gullible enough to think they know what they’re talking about.
As 2020 went along, B had more issues which I shared with C and he did not take seriously. As time went on, things with B became worse and in November 2021, B got into his car and drove away, not telling us where he was going and went missing for ten days. We hired a private investigator and, finally after contacting a reporter friend of G’s, got a news story on TV and in the papers—he was found in Jackson, Mississippi. When he got back, we found a new psychiatrist and a new medication which seemed to get him back on track. Five days later, R ended up in the ICU with seizures because he was making himself vomit while I was distracted because of B’s disappearance.
On January 1, 2022, C told me he was thinking about his life (he is now 68) and was going to travel to visit his LA Zoom friends without me because I would ruin it for him. Keep in mind, B had had a mental breakdown and R had been in the ICU only weeks before. I was floored, hurt and confused but getting B and R healthy was my main concern at that point. 2022 went along not so great, and after being accused of being “moralistic,” I finally told C the WHOLE story of my rape and the sexual abuse I endured for the last two years of his residency. He was more insulted that something like that happened to HIS WIFE and what that meant to HIM than what happened to me, HIS WIFE. He was furious I never told him, though he did remember me talking about the rape from our time in Nashville in counseling. Things went downhill from there. He started to see a therapist who seemed to make my always selfish husband more of a narcissist, nastier and more entitled than he ever was.
He took several trips, planning them behind my back, to visit his dear, dear, DEAR friends in LA. We did take a trip together to MahlerFest, ironically in Boulder, CO. Later, I found a receipt for jewelry that was totally out of character (a religious metal—he was raised Roman Catholic but NEVER was religious, so this worried me) and when I confronted him, said I should think about why he would buy jewelry for another woman. I’ve found gifts from some of his dear, dear, DEAR friends as well as cute little greeting cards as well as two empty bottles of Cialis. He’s lied, done things behind my back and then said I had a “secret life” for two years so he can do what he wants. Rape and sexual assault were not my secret life—he did things behind my back; I did NOT want what happened to me to happen.
We began couples counseling in mid-March 2023. We see our therapist every other Friday because of C’s office hours/surgery schedule. We’ve been having brunch and lunch dates the weeks we don’t have counseling and those have been mostly pleasant. I think our counselor is really great and have asked her questions mentioned both in Michele’s Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and she’s on the right page with her answers. I want our marriage repaired and rejuvenated; C says he wants clarity. I’ve just begun to see a virtual therapist specializing in trauma and PTSD but, again because of COVID, it was difficult finding that sort of specialized therapist taking new patients live.
We’ve been separated—not my choice--since May 5, 2023. It’s a trial separation with no lawyers involved. C has a five-month lease on an apartment in Hyde Park (where he did his residency) and told me his intention was to come back home, now he’s not sure. This separation was not advised by our therapist or anyone else I know, but I think he’s being coached by someone. He says he wants freedom to do what he wants, I was never “into music” as much as he is (I’m “just” a professional musician), I expected too much from him as far as chores, he wants to go to more concerts, I was never into entertaining (not true I LOVE to entertain) and don’t take his preferences into account when I cook--the list goes on. He also said he feels differently about me—he loves me but is no longer IN LOVE with me--after learning of the extent of my sexual abuse, but I TRIED to tell him 30 years ago, he didn’t want to listen to me then.
He told me, while he is gone, he expects me to keep the house and our kids from falling apart and I asked him to honor and respect our marriage vows. I’ve kept up my end of the bargain but am not sure about him. B was a MESS the first few weeks after his father left and I emailed my brother and G every night to let SOMEONE know what was happening. Our couple’s therapist told me I should keep C informed as well but when I did, C was upset I was bothering him.
On July 2, he was home for our family July 4th celebration. Chicago got the most rain we’ve ever gotten on a July 2 so there was water in the basement. While we were finishing dinner inside (it was to have been an outside barbecue), the ceiling over the kitchen table started to leak. I called our roof guy the next day and made an appointment for the day after July 4 so C could be here. The estimate for a new roof was astronomical and we decided to get another estimate and C went back to the apartment but not before he made a crack—in front of B—that he wasn’t sure what to do because things are up in the air between us. B was inconsolable for almost 3 hours; afraid his father would sell the house out from under us and leave us homeless. I comforted him as best I could and since the house is in both of our names, assured him I would not let that happen.
It rained again that night and the water poured from the kitchen ceiling. After I got everyone to bed, I called C to tell him about B and the kitchen ceiling. C was FURIOUS I called him and accused me of stalking him and demanded to speak with B—and after 3 hours of hysteria, I refused, and C said it must not have been that bad if he was asleep. The next day, I took a call from another roof guy C contacted and made an appointment with him. It was a better price and shared with C on our Saturday date. I will not text or email or ANYTHING unless C contacts me first. I am beside myself with frustration. I am going back to the 180-technique because right now, I don’t know what else to do.
I still love him and know our marriage CAN BE repaired. Despite the MANY challenges we’ve had in our marriage, we’ve been HAPPY 95% of the time. We have always been partners, figuring out our challenges together--and always made time for one another. Since the Zoom classes began, there was less and less time for me and our family and any solutions to any issues we were having. But having his ego stroked by a bunch of strangers appealed to him more than working on our marriage. These older people, with no responsibilities, perfect families, houses and lives, caused C to reevaluate his own life and he decided he wanted what they have, despite having a different type of life.
His practice is a sole proprietorship—and he won’t retire until he’s 72--which means I OWN half of his practice and our hearing aid business. I am entitled to 50% of his retirement fund—and a sympathetic judge might give me more—and any kind of divorce would ruin him financially, but not me. In fact, when G (the son who went to law school) heard about the separation, he told me his Dad didn’t think this through. Now G is “Switzerland.”
Right now, C is having a grand ol’ time, going to concerts, cooking simple meals for himself, doing his own laundry and doing God knows what else and I am not able to do anything to improve myself. I am tired, hurt and overwhelmed because it isn’t just the separation but having the RESPONSIBILITY of our disabled son and our mentally ill son solo and being expected, once again, to step up and handle the nasty bits by myself. I know I need to take care of myself not just for me but for our kids. I had a severe panic attack early in the separation, triggered by a story in the local news about clergy abuse, realized I HAD to do something and finally decided virtual therapy was better than NO therapy.
Thank you for allowing me to vent here. The 180-technique has been implemented and any other ideas and suggestions are welcome. Please pray for me! ~MLGA
