H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Before I met H, I was sure of myself. I was fun and jolly. I had a great dress sense and was very creative. Came from a creative background in my 1st career. H is a great looking man and he is charming and charismatic. With this, I became insecure and jealous at times. I felt H would do things to make me feel this way, even though he said to me early on that he was a very jealous man. So, I gave him no reason to be jealous. I don’t believe he thought of me in that way. Every so often, when I would arrive at his house after he picked up Skids from school, there would be School M dropping by to borrow things. I once challenged one of them why she was there and she never came back. I was polite about it. I just felt so controlled by insecurity. I used to ask about who was phoning or texting, show me his FB because I’m not on it. I used to do a lot of snooping on his phone for calls and texts. I found texts from XW manipulating him into nostalgia and pity. I found photos that she would send of the Skids as toddlers as a reminder of her being their M. I can’t have my own kids so it would hurt like crazy. Once she (at SS 18th) from a cross a Restaurant table screamed out to H to look at photo of her BF their S.

I used to get through to H, no more C with XW unless it is absolutely necessary. I would get SIL and IL’s too to say this to H too. He did block her at times and had LC. I felt so much better but all the while, I felt I had lost myself in trying to control our R.

Since I found DB (maybe 6wks ago). I don’t ask who is calling, who is texting. I don’t ask about whether he has C with XW. I say I don’t want to talk about XW. I change the subject if he brings her up. I walk away from a situation where H needs to flirt with another W or grab attention. I don’t put myself in the way. I stopped snooping a year ago because it hurt too much and I can’t work his new iPhone.

SD is now 17 and she has become a Mini W and he flirts with her a bit and she with him. SD feels she has to compete with me now. Which is a shame because I love her like she is my own and had a lot of input into raising her. I now walk away when this happens. I take myself out of the equation. All of this hurts. I hate it. I am so damn attracted to my H. I physically react to him as if he is my childhood movie star crush. For some reason, he feels he needs attention from other W. I don’t feel this way about myself. I always thought H enjoyed when I reacted by being jealous and insecure even though he would show revulsion, because it was attention for him. I feel so out of control with this. I have lost myself in this. I don’t even know who I am anymore.