H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

KangaB,

You are doing all of the right things. I'm glad you are finding your footing and are posting and reading the book. If your h is in mlc, he is going to be bouncing off the walls for a while. Confusion and depression are the main ingredients of a mlc. Usually it takes 18-24 months for them to enter the crisis and it generally happens after a death of a loved one or a close friend, promotion with additional pressures or a demotion, or an illness. Think back, did something happen with him during that time period? When this happens, they do not like authority and they will look at us as parents who tend to hinder them in what they want to do (or so they think).

Thank you JOB. I’m determined and trying. Yes I’m not sure if H is in MLC but something changed when he was getting closer to 60 and he realised that he hadn’t reached his full potential. Skids growing up and leaving home. That threw me when routine with Skids went out of whack when they were no longer around. There are a myriad of things.

Generally, a childhood trauma has been stuffed down and will raise its ugly head when the crisis comes calling. It could have been abuse of any kind, lack of validation, another child loved more than him/her, etc. We can't fix them because we didn't break them. They have to be the ones to figure it out.

H is a child of D in the 70’s. He said he blacked out for a full year when he was 15 when it happened. He admits that his maturity has not gone beyond that. I do feel I’m dealing with a teenager. His F was abusive and he was sent to live in a caravan in the backyard when his SS’s moved in to old family home with SM. And yes, I know I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I can say all the right Wise sayings but I can’t live it most of the time.

They also project a lot and if you listen closely, they tend to tell on themselves. All you can do is get out of their way and just leave them to it. One thing...be sure you are watching all of your financial stuff. I would set up a separate bank account and if there is any way to get your name off the joint accounts, the better. Why? Because they do tend to go on spending sprees as well.

My God, H spends like you wouldn’t believe. He wrote out a letter stating that he wanted me to manage his finances because he doesn’t trust himself. I have closed down our together account citing different reasons other than I don’t trust him atm. Finances are separated, they have never really come together. I fear he will lose his house. Interest rates increasing over here and his work is infrequent so I’m trying to make his money stretch. I feel I’m enabling him with $$ because I don’t want him to lose the house as it’s part of his retirement fund when he sells and moves to me. At the same time, I feel used atm and I have to say there is a part of me that it’s one way to show him that I care and he needs me. I’m so confused. One minute, I’m scared of losing him and the next, I don’t feel anything but relief when I don’t see H because he does project. He rants a lot and when I’m looking at it as 3rd person, I can see that it has nothing to do with me. It hurts that he spews to me that I’m manipulating and gaslighting when I don’t do any of it. He says a lot of things with distrust and paranoia and I have seriously shown him the best love I possibly know.

I will get into more later. I want to share the things that I have stopped doing.

Btw, I do write better in the mornings, I know that my replies to you all will be half a world away. I really do appreciate the support already.

Keep posting. Dig deeper for patience and please know, that you didn't cause this crisis.