I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Sunflyer]

Pretty crazy. Seems like he can barely hold himself together physically and mentally, but he is going to transition into a job overseas for up to a year?

[Pattnee5]

Sun, I know right? Dissolve marriage, move as far away from wife and kids and problems as possible. Let’s see if it eventuates or he actually decides to do it. The fact he has entertained this idea even is absolute lunacy to me. Like I said he is so far away from his normal self it’s not funny. He has had no problems working and day to day functioning working lately(albeit the reclusiveness)
etc)
But to run away from everything just to find yourself and your peace is honestly mind boggling

[Kind18]

Sorry you’ve had a rubbish time Pattnee. Know we’re all here and we’ve all been there. You’re not alone!

The fact he has entertained this idea even is absolute lunacy to me.

Here’s your old friend back again - expectation.

For a normal person, you’d expect them to identify this is a dumb move.

But for a MLC, crazy, possibly cheating WAS, this is completely normal behaviour.

You still need to keep working on this with your IC. You should expect that next week he will blame you on his social media, buy a MLC sports car, arrive with an 18yo girlfriend on his arm, and disappear overseas never to contact his kids for 6-12 months. You should expect him to continue to do dumb s*** and not be surprised or broken hearted by it.

He’s not doing it TO you. He’s just a person in deep emotional turmoil. He’s reached a point in his life where he is unhappy with himself, his decisions, his trajectory or something like that…. And he’s running away from facing it.

It just so happens that the easiest way for nearly all WAS/WS to do that is to (in their own mind) convince themselves that it’s not because they’re unhappy, but because it’s something external to them. Normally they land on blaming their spouse, so they’ll run as fast as they can in the other direction. Running overseas on a whim totally fits that narrative.

If your goal is 100% still to reconcile, to be frank, him running away overseas gives you a better chance. If he’s around you with a slow, painful divorce and remains unhappy, he can keep blaming you. If he disappears overseas for a year in a new job, with few friends, maybe has an affair and then he’s still unhappy - he may realise it wasn’t your fault and then arrive back home with his tail between his legs.

The slow burn divorce often cements it as a final outcome, because they build resentment for having to stay around or be involved when they want out. IMHO, a lot more MLC or affair driven crises would resolve in eventual reconciliation if the LBS kicked them onto the street on bomb day and WAS/WS disappeared overseas for a year. To that end, I don’t think him disappearing is the worst thing that could happen for chances of reconciliation.

The problem eventually becomes that you by the time he may wake up you will have decided you don’t want to be with someone so flippant and hurtful and selfish. I’d say the majority of non-reconciled members on this forum would refuse if their ex arrived begging for another chance.

Hang in there. This is the worst it will be, and from this point, life will slowly get better. Be the strongest, most stable Mum you can be. Unwavering in your support of your kids, never criticising their Dad, being their absolute rock.

Let his dumpster fire burn. The only way anything changes is if he alone has an epiphany.

[Pattnee5]

If your goal is 100% still to reconcile, to be frank, him running away overseas gives you a better chance. If he’s around you with a slow, painful divorce and remains unhappy, he can keep blaming you. If he disappears overseas for a year in a new job, with few friends, maybe has an affair and then he’s still unhappy - he may realise it wasn’t your fault and then arrive back home with his tail between his legs.

The slow burn divorce often cements it as a final outcome, because they build resentment for having to stay around or be involved when they want out. IMHO, a lot more MLC or affair driven crises would resolve in eventual reconciliation if the LBS kicked them onto the street on bomb day and WAS/WS disappeared overseas for a year. To that end, I don’t think him disappearing is the worst thing that could happen for chances of reconciliation.


Hang in there. This is the worst it will be, and from this point, life will slowly get better. Be the strongest, most stable Mum you can be. Unwavering in your support of your kids, never criticising their Dad, being their absolute rock.
.

Thanks for this Kind. I think today I am having just one of those days where all the emotions are flooding me. I keep questioning and punishing myself through tears “why did i hurt him so much in the past when I loved him so much” “ why was I unfaithful” “why didn’t I pick up the last few years he wasn’t himself and speak to him more” I have some serious cases today of being down in the absolute dumps now it’s over. Even questioning if it even is a MLC or if I have just gone searching for a problem so I can fix it. At the end of the day I did hurt him I did break his heart and he deserves to walk away from his painful situation. My mum always says I want things yesterday and I am not patient.He said yesterday he was just so worn down after being hurt time and time again and it’s ground him right down. I feel so absolutely horrible for my side of things and while I have apologised acknowledged and worked on growth and change, it’s too late.

Is my goal to reconcile? Well ultimately yes but not in this current environment. Not stepping back into the same marriage with the same mistakes and complacencies setting in and this happening again in the future. I wanted a new beginning, to shelve the old marriage and the last 20 years, and start a new book together for our next 20 years of mid to later life.

However I know I need to let him go now. I know how deep my love for him goes, I have learnt so much about how deeply I love him for the last 7 months since BD and my resilience and persistence and my continued support and commitment. But I do know I have to let him go now and set the one I love free. And it is the absolute hardest and worst feeling in this world. I can hold my head high that I fought for H until the end and I dug the deepest I could. I know I could never fix him or fix us unless he was willing too and he wasn’t.

Hang in there. This is the worst it will be, and from this point, life will slowly get better. Be the strongest, most stable Mum you can be. Unwavering in your support of your kids, never criticising their Dad, being their absolute rock.
.

This is my absolute motto and focus now. I am spent on energy on H and now it’s all to be the kids rock and pillar and I certainly will do it with pride and dignity. I too think this may be a good thing for him to find himself again. Unfortunately being around the same environment complacency and routine set in. If this is what he chooses he needs for his life I have to respect that and his decision and know he his making the best decision for himself, while I now make the best decision for me.

Thankyou db team, it’s nice to get stuff off my chest to people who have walked in my shoes

[Kind18]

Thankyou db team, it’s nice to get stuff off my chest to people who have walked in my shoes

It’s good too that you’ve learnt to come here and vent, rather than to him. During my divorce, I felt incredibly alone in the world.

Even though I was aware the people here were from all corners of the globe, I got some comfort knowing people were a) listening to my heart break and b) I wasn’t the first person going through it.

Someone once said to me “millions and millions of people have been through divorce, and they’ve been okay”. That was incredibly comforting 👍

I’m glad you’re finally letting him go. It’s best for you, best for him, best for maximising the chances of reconciliation.

You’ve made mistakes. Don’t shoulder all the blame though. He’s made mistake too.

Perhaps in ten years time, you’ll look back on this time right now as your finest hour. When you were strong, faced your demons, carried your children single-handedly … and perhaps when you learnt your own worth.

Things happen for a reason Pattnee. Strength is built only through adversity.

Would Nelson Mandela have become the incredible human being he was if he had no adversity in his life?

Let his fire burn, it will run out of fuel one day.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Kind is spot on.

Moving internationally and leaving the kids sure screams “running”.

My advice is always to let the spouse who wants out do the heavy lifting; unless you need financial security and/or protection, then get it. If H lives in another country it will be very difficult to enforce his financial obligations. Speak to a lawyer ASAP. You might consider forgoing alimony for him giving you his portion of the house. I’d push for sole custody as well. MLCers usually become terrible parent during their running, and he appears to be heading that way.

Stay strong girl.

D

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D
Yes we sat yesterday and had a talk obviously I haven’t had my legal advice yet and he has, and of course the same day I hear the news of the potential move for a portion of time. He wants to remain as amicable as possibly and said the kids are his number one priority so doesn’t want to rip anyone off. He did say regardless where he is he does want to still provide the support that decided on and wants us to remain in the house for as long as possible. Our laws here may be different and he is only internally moving for a current big project. So who knows I haven’t really given any further thought but am definitely getting my advice too.
I too want to remain as amicable as possible and hold my head high with dignity too. However I will ensure I protect myself and the kids.

I am glad you too think it’s “running” . I understand his wording of good for his future career but I just hear running from your problems. At some point these people must come out of their cave and realise that they are very lonely without their family around I guess it’s up to them to realise( or not )
I do realise I need him to do this journey alone to find his purpose I would hate to be the reason he spiralled further into his hole or depression

I am better now after a teary morning and feeling blue. I am at peace with him going and whatever is happening. I actually want to even rise above and make it more a friendship now purely for the kids. There has been no yelling or anger but i keep thinking I am standing tall
And these small action I am just so proud of in myself. I am actually shocking myself. I am just focused on the kids and making this as smooth as possible.
I don’t imagine he could be a great parent from the other side of the world for months on end but of course anything that requires a mutual decision I will discuss
I now become the mother and father for a while

[Pattnee5]

I forgot to mention too I think I just had an epiphany today to post my tears when I felt much better and did some stuff for me. I think I am finally detaching properly 😂 and I def have been not detaching enough the last few months and def not DB properly.
I think now I am finally DB properly as my sole focus is me and my kids now. I finally no longer want to even waste an ounce of my strength on even trying to help/fix H and I think for so long while I was DB as best as I could I felt like I stumbled my way through. I think now I may just actually get it. He will never come out of his cave if I’m standing by the entrance trying to help him out. Thinking back now to his seesaw mixed messages for months on end it’s become a pattern. I think I am finally walking away from that cave with the kids and moving on with our current life.
Deep down I know I still have hope, you often hear so many stories. I only just found out last night a dear friend said her parents separated for 3 years when she was 15 and rekindled for life.
I think before my “hope” was more than hope it was clinging for dear life waking up each morning hoping it was the day he would come home.
Now my hope is just that he finds what he’s looking for and hopefully we cross our paths again
It’s a strange relief almost ( except I haven’t been a wonderful db’er but I can see that so much clearly now

[Sunflyer]

Is my goal to reconcile? Well ultimately yes but not in this current environment. Not stepping back into the same marriage with the same mistakes and complacencies setting in and this happening again in the future. I wanted a new beginning, to shelve the old marriage and the last 20 years, and start a new book together for our next 20 years of mid to later life.

This is key, and it is what we all want. Remember what Kind18 told you: he, not just you, made mistakes. He, not just you, produced this current situation. You have shown great character by admitting your mistakes and wanting to repair things. He is lagging behind you right now, by a good distance.

Equally important, you recognize that even if you reconcile, this has to be marriage 2.0. If he has things he won't accept in the future, then you sure as heck will have your list of what you won't accept from him.

And you would not present that to him angrily; you would present it lovingly but firmly. You would do this because you have learned that you are important, and you are worth something.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Sun for your words. Like I said I hold my head high through this all and am miles ahead.
I absolutely know my self worth and know I am going to thrive one day, while H is a lost miserable teenager who threw away the best thing he ever had in his life in his family and love. Nothing will ever replace that no matter what.

The hardest part is riding the emotions right now of it being so final of knowing we will never be together again, and holding strong for the kids because I am with them all the time. I have often had to run into the room as the tears start. D14 is absolutely amazing she can see my hurt and iOS being such a rock.