My Story (2)

[Sunflyer]

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945718&page=11

[Ready2Change]

I might be a bit dense, but is this "I" statement intended to be a possible reply to something like my MIL said?

Yes, setting and holding boundaries with people. Read the boundaries thread multiple times and burn it into your brain.


Obviously it would not be a great idea to state your boundary to MIL while she is taking care of W right now...but if it becomes a pattern, you can enforce the boundary.

[Sunflyer]

Just a short update.

W's parents were here for five nights. MIL has been more hospitable after going off the handle because I didn't greet her as soon as I came in the house. They came back in the daytime the last few days. W had first surgical follow up appointment today.

W gives me a smile on occasion. Otherwise regards me suspiciously. I work in another room most of the time but occasionally sit with her.

When she asks me for help (her activity is limited due to surgery), I do what she asks. She barely shows appreciation, but I do it because it is right, because I still cling to my vows even if she does not.

[Sunflyer]

Question if anyone wants to address it.

With W's surgical recovery, she spends most of her time in her recliner or on the couch, watching TV.

When I'm home, I'm otherwise engaged. If she needs help with something, I help her, but at the moment we are probably as close to separated as possible while being under one roof. Not even much texting.

The question is, can this be overdone? Is it possible to give too much "space?"

The reason I ask is because one of her core complaints that led to our breakdown was, "You don't seem to want to talk to me" or "Our conversations are too superficial." Wondering if the current state of affairs might just look like more of the same.

[Ready2Change]

One of her core complaints that led to our breakdown was, "You don't seem to want to talk to me" or "Our conversations are too superficial." Wondering if the current state of affairs might just look like more of the same.

DBing rule = "Do what works". You job is to find out what that means in your sitch.

So I had "superficial" conversations with my X. After BD, I learned many new ways of interacting with women.

If you go to a coffee shop and pay attention to two women having a conversation, one is talking and the other is listening. They are creating a deep connection (not superficial). Most women naturally do the "emotional validation". I don't think many guys "get it". What type of emotional states has your W been through in the last week?

With the limited info I know:

H:"W, I bet your are sad your parents had to leave."

or

H:"W, You look sad now that your parents are gone."

or

H:"W, you looked like you were happy your parents were here."

or

H:"W, your mom looked relieved that your surgery went well."
......


Test the waters. See how she responds.

Look up "feelings wheel". Add as many of the feelings to your library of words to draw from.


More risky Ideas:
H:"W, I am disappointed on myself for raising my voice with your mom." Then STFU and listen to W.

[Sunflyer]

So just got a letter in the mail.

My attorney to contact hers within five business days.

Attorney has been contacted and will be retained shortly.

Unlike her, I don't have parents to hand me legal costs, so hopefully she won't be shocked when this comes out of our joint account.

[Sunflyer]

Taking S13 out today. Will be nice to spend time with him, especially after the events of yesterday.

Last night was rough; otherwise have been feeling pretty good lately.

My mood might be approaching "it is what it is" right now.

Doesn't mean I'm giving up, but I recognize she's tearing through life like a tornado and I can't do anything about that.

[Pattnee5]

Doesn't mean I'm giving up, but I recognize she's tearing through life like a tornado and I can't do anything about that.

I think that’s the hardest thing for us LBS. The fact that we can’t do anything about it and it’s out of our control. I found that so difficult early on as I am such a “fixer” and whenever faced with adversity I rise and take the reins. It certainly is hard to let that side of everything go, however all I focus on now is I can only fix my side of things. What H does or doesn’t do is on them.

I’m sorry to hear about your rough day. They come and go but time does help and they get a bit more spread out( despite the blows)

Perfectly normal to have hope and not want to give up. I haven’t either I just feel my H is further and further away from any sort of reconciliation and I need to let him go to walk his path now on his self discovery. Maybe our paths will re align and maybe they won’t we always have to keep focus on ourselves. We are the main character of our story

[DnJ]

Good Morning SF

You are correct, W is tearing along and you cannot control that. It is what it is.

Discover your deeply held principles. Strengthen those that serve, craft those you aspire to, and discard/alter those that do not serve. Live those tenets and let the chips fall where they will.

Stand strong my friend.

D

[Sunflyer]

Maybe our paths will re align and maybe they won’t we always have to keep focus on ourselves. We are the main character of our story

Yep. What I have come to realize, and perhaps you too, is that we are always the main character in our story. Even when we are in a relationship, we do not sacrifice self-identity and self-creation.

Ever see The Muppet Movie? Definitely not just for kids (I was a teenager when I first saw it). It has a few life lessons along the way that will benefit anyone of any age. One line from that has always stuck with me:

"Life's like a movie; write your own ending."