H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Hi All,

I’m coming out of a fog thanks to finding Divorce Busting a month ago and avidly reading the Forums and the DB book.

I don’t know what to do. I suspect my H is MLCing and has been on and off for the majority of our R. His EW won’t leave him alone and has tried different tactics over the years from yelling and screaming to sending him photos of her and his kids when they were toddlers, to texting both of us in tears that she is all alone to inviting herself to Christmas with IL’s (trying to use my learned abbreviations) to now to doing a 180 and being as attractive and available and friendly as possible. This started before we got married. My H has told her over the years that he loves me and that he is not interested in getting back together with her. However, something changed before our wedding with his opinion of EW from not wanting to have anything to do with her to now defending her and allowing her into his house (we LAT) whenever she wants. H doesn’t want me around when she has organised tickets for them to go and see something of his D’s at School concerts etc (her latest weapon). EW has been very cunning in inviting me, but when I’m there, she and H get into Parental mode and H completely forgets that I exist. So now, I choose not to go. SD, I think is now on her M’s side and does not want me around even though we were very close for a good 6 years. Skids were part of our W. H lies to me about how much contact he has with EW and becomes abusive when I challenge him on it. H used to see my side of things and would try and support me. Now H just abuses me and stonewalls me.

Over the years, I have even reached out to EW to try and befriend her. Initially, I just wanted to get to know her and be part of a team raising the skids. EW was not into it. I have always been a ‘Sister before a Mister type woman’. EW just sees me as competition. I have always been polite and courteous to her up until a few months ago when she just stormed into my H’s house without waiting to be asked in and I gently directed her back to the door and told her that she was to be asked to be invited in from now on. When I told H about this, he said she had every right to be there after many times he said he wasn’t going to have C with her and didn’t want her to do that. H, every few mths, picks fights with me in person on the phone and sets up a scenario where all of our plans get cancelled and it doesn’t matter what they are. I think I have realised that this happens when he has had C with EW or is about to. All of our family and friends are wondering what the hell is going on. We are under huge Financial strain at the moment. I’m managing all the finances and we are trying to get EW off the mortgage during High interest rates and High inflation etc. I try my best to not react, set boundaries, show interest in Skids; but, not too much. Two of the Skids have been PAS against H in the past few years from EW as a reaction to our engagement and pending M. Now they are PAS’d against me only and H has fallen back in favour with the two, to the point that SD is trying to take over any time we try and spend together (mostly weekends). An example is SD wanted to spend NYE just gone with H and without me. I have had to give up birthdays, Easter and other holidays because SD wants to be around H all the time. I have no problem with SD spending time with H; but, this behaviour wreaks EW’s. H used to sets boundaries with EW. He would block her as she would call Sunday mornings for instance. Now he doesn’t care if and when she texts or calls. I know it is up to H to set boundaries with EW and SD. EW is a huge problem; but, H is the only one who can stop it. H goes between loving me to hating me. H is wonderful when he is in our M.

H, when angry accuses me of doing things that I never do and then tells me I’m gaslighting and manipulating. I look for my part in things always. I’m tired. I wear my WR as a promise to God that I will love H for better; for worse. I just don’t want to give up on my M. I do C and my C thinks I’m in a fight for my M against EW. EW is very clever and won’t let up. H just doesn’t care much about me anymore, no help if I’m sick even. H said a few weeks ago that he doesn’t want to give up on our marriage. I welcome and need help—I’m scared!