Most of the men who arrive at this site are repressed. They’ve been beaten into submission my a bullying wife who has threatened to leave them, and they’re desperately trying to nice them into staying.
Your wife is being a complete bully. Refusing to listen to your concerns about timing with telling your son, forging ahead to force the sale of the house.
Why would you apologise to this person? All you’re doing is reinforcing to her that when acts in a shi**y way that upsets you, you’ll eventually roll over and apologise to her. You’ve actually reinforced her bad behaviour by apologising for some home truths. Would you give your dog some treats if they pee on the carpet?
You need to stop living in fear and start being a strong man. Not rude or aggressive or unreasonable, just honest and reasonable and tough in your convictions.
And I have no idea why you’d want to go somewhere with her today. She’s the last person on the earth I’d want to spend any time with.
You’ve walked on eggshells far too long, and where has it got you? MWD says if what you’ve been trying for ages hasn’t worked, do the opposite.
This makes a whole lot of sense. And yes, walking on eggshells for the last 20 years is a proper description.
Trust me, I had zero interest in being with or around her yesterday. If it was just mutual friends, I wouldn't have went. But like I said, my family was there too. Aside from pouring down rain all day it was fine. I hung out with the guys, her with the girls. We drove separately, and when son wanted to go home, I took him and she stayed.
The good news is, son seems to be doing well. I'm sure he'll have good days and bad days with all of this, but so far so good.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I've got a question, maybe someone else had a similar situation.
My dad is in his mid-late 70s. He's about as 'old school' as you can get, and has absolutely no filter. The bond he has with my son is incredible, and he would literally do anything for him.
Anyway, to say that he's pissed about this is an understatement. Not at the divorce per se, but the pain it's causing (and will cause) son. If/when he sees my W, there's no telling what he'll say to her. He's never thought she was a good mother to begin with. I also have concerns that he'll tell son all of his thoughts and feelings about her too.
I've tried telling him that everyone needs to be amicable, at least until the D is finalized. And even beyond, for son's sake. I just don't know if he's going to comply. lol Any advice on this? Like, how to reign him in, should I alert W to expect a possible verbal assault, etc?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You really cannot control what someone else does or says. Also, you are putting the horse before the cart a little bit. I suspect Dad’s past behaviour does indicate what he is more likely to do. However…
Originally Posted by Terapin
there's no telling what he'll say to her.
He may say nothing. He may remain cordial. Or he may give her a piece of his mind.
I’d not alert W. Firstly, there are many possibilities of what he might say. You likely have some idea of the higher probability of what may go down, yet that doesn’t mean it is certain, doesn’t negate other possible outcomes. Secondly, W is a big girl. She can deal with other people’s interactions with her. Besides, she fired you as husband.
What you’re worrying about hasn’t happened. Most things we worry and fret over, never come to pass. And worrying seldom stops something from happening. Well, seldom stops whatever we are worrying about from happening; worrying does stop/detract us from doing other things with our limited and valuable time.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I've tried telling him that everyone needs to be amicable, at least until the D is finalized. And even beyond, for son's sake. I just don't know if he's going to comply.
Perhaps, talk to him, instead of telling him. Let Dad vent. Discuss the pending divorce, away from W and son. Being heard, getting it out on the table, usually releases the pressure and the unwanted barrage doesn’t spill out later.
I’d suspect you want Grandpa and those in your and son’s life to be authentic. To live what they think and feel and believe. Not to merely comply; rather to understand and seek the better path. Grandpa would literally do anything for son, so discuss with him. He might just surprise you. And he might be further ahead than you realize.
Amicable. Cordial. Polite. Straightforward. Authentic. And not fake. The usual old school tenets.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
...but the pain it's causing (and will cause) son. ...
The way the adults interact is a big factor in what type of pain the child will have. You as a man are the protector. You as a man can have adult conversations with your dad that should result in shielding your child from all of these adult issues.
The four agreements was a great read for me. Every time I read it, I get something new.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
No, don’t say anything to her. It would give her good motivation to say you or your dad threatened her.
She’s a big girl, she’s gotta hitch her pants up and be an adult. Stop trying to “save” someone who is ripping your family apart.
Deal with it by being a man. Tell your Dad you want to talk to him, validate that it must be hard to sit back and say nothing, but that is what you expect him to do both for you, and your son. A small dose of “if you say anything out of line, it might affect how much custody/time I get to spend with my son in the future” … that might be enough for him to respect your wishes.
Not sure about the US, but the pathetic family court in Australia very rarely gives equal custody if there’s been any allegations of aggression, verbal abuse etc. - even if they are false allegations. Women know this and pull the DV or abuse card even if what he says to her is true. If your Dad gets up in her grill and gives her a big serve, she may falsely claim domestic abuse and suddenly you can’t see your son.
On the 4th, I went to a mutual friends house to hang out all day. W took son to another mutual friends. It was weird, being the first 4th of July we haven't all spent together in 15 years. Her and son came to where I was at later to watch some fireworks.
Today is sons bday. W took today off. I'm not sure what they have planned. Tomorrow I'm taking him to an amusement park/wrestling tournament.
Saturday he wants to have friends over for a sleepover. W wants to go to a concert, which is fine by me. Other than that, nothing new to report.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Today is sons bday. W took today off. I'm not sure what they have planned. Tomorrow I'm taking him to an amusement park/wrestling tournament.
This is what is healthy for your boy. New normal. You spend time with him. She spends time with him. You spend time apart from W which helps reduce her resentment. Give her space to miss you. Enjoy your time with son.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Today is sons bday. W took today off. I'm not sure what they have planned. Tomorrow I'm taking him to an amusement park/wrestling tournament.
This is what is healthy for your boy. New normal. You spend time with him. She spends time with him. You spend time apart from W which helps reduce her resentment. Give her space to miss you. Enjoy your time with son.
Thanks. Yeah, I guess this is the new normal, and he'll get used to it. Maybe it helps too that with us working, we both couldn't take off the same days. Like for him, it's a new normal, but with a built in excuse to ease the transition?
Still [censored] though. The last few years we've both taken off work and took him somewhere on his bday. But it is what it is. The 4th was tough too. W kept sending me pics of our son playing/swimming with other kids, and kept saying he was having fun. I think I replied once by saying 'cool'.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Took son to a wrestling tournament at an amusement park yesterday. Left at 7am and got home at 9:30 pm. Despite it being a million degrees out, and him not doing as well as hoped in the tournament, what a fun day. He ran around with 7 or 8 of his wrestling buddies all day. He's always had a phobia with roller coasters, and vowed not to ride even the tamest one. By the end of the day he had ridden all of the coasters multiple times!
As for W, absolutely no contact in the 14 hours we were gone. This has always been a big pet peeve of mine when it comes to her. When son and I are at his tournaments, football games, etc (she only came to about 50% of them), she would rarely even text asking 'how's he doing?' It always seemed 'out of sight, out of mind' for her, which really made me mad and would make our son sad. But whatever, I rarely even thought about her yesterday, and I don't think son mentioned her at all.
She's going to a concert w/ friends today/tonight, so it'll be son and I again all day. God help me! I'm so sore, sun burned, etc. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
