I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

I guess we can clean up our Side of the boat as much as we can but for as long as they aren’t doing their part too the marriage is doomed.

I have an interaction with H later today to sit down and sort out a few things with comings and goings. I feel I am going into this far better than I had in the past. I still have so much pain inside me but I do feel a bit more balanced now. I can see how this was meant to happen. I need to be in a more balanced mindset so if he does ever try to return I can make a proper decision. Unfortunately I need to admit I was in a place where if he knocked on the door
A few weeks ago I would have welcomed him beck home and tried to fix him even if je for nothing for himself. I would have been setting myself up again to fail as he would have done it all over again. I can see all of this so much more clearly now. A beautiful family friend told me yesterday “ there are blue skies ahead, we just have to go through the storm first”.

I still feel sometimes “what if I did this” or “ what if I did that” I am still learning to not be so critical of things. And I defended him to everyone who said anything in the past few months about his behaviour and hurt toward me. I was so entwined into his mess. I was clinging to hope and love. Now I have just lost all hope

I just want to clarify in regard to what I do now moving forward.obviously today we sit and discuss current arrangements for the next few months and scheduling. Where he doesn’t come and go, or sit and watch movies or have family dinners. I don’t mind crossing paths occasionally but I don’t want to have to have any sort of spousal married couple interactions like the last few months where I let him waltz in and out and do as he pleases. I plan to tell him we do this for the next few months then reassess the more major stuff toward the end of the year ( as todays market isn’t great to sell in where we are). Do I even mention sitting back down in a few months? Or do I just then sit back and let him come to me and initiate it all from here forward? After all this is all his decision he is just incapable of taking any action or the reigns right now. So should I take the reins? I think I know the answer is no I don’t and let him do his heavy lifting now.