I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D
I am speaking to a lawyer next week. For now we will come up with some sort of arrangement with the kids and co parenting. I surprisingly woke up ( after only two hours of sleep and tears) actually feeling at peace with things today. Is this what rope dropping feels like? Hahaha
I do not feel like I need to hold on anymore nor try to keep pushing through and trying to keep loving him. I now want to distance myself as much as I can to heal my heart so I can one day fall in love again. I was holding on so tight for so long. I think this is very much needed because I can now see if he tried to return tomorrow I would have probably taken him back. It’s not a decision coming from a clear mind and balance. If he ever chooses to return I want to come from a place of balance and make the right decision for me and the kids. I have woken up feeling like the weight on my chest has lifted. I don’t deserve someone angry disrespectful and a recluse or someone who will keep dredging up our past. I am still shocked that all his issues are around things that happened 10 and 20 years ago when we were kids and we had made mistakes. Not who we are now as mature adults. He has nothing to pin on me at the moment so he’s gone back in time. I have realised too how immature he really has become now. I don’t even know if I feel sorry for him now because he made his bed now he needs to sleep in it. It will be nice now not being around to blame I wonder whose fault it’s going to be in 6 months time when his issues still cloud him
Anyway I was feeling flat today, came to work the work girls have cheered me up so much and we are going out for a work dinner. I am looking forward to dressing up have a laugh and being surrounded by so much love.
It’s funny I have thought I have DB so terribly. I didn’t detach properly I clung to do much hope for so long and bent over backwards for him ( only for him to say nothings changed for him even though he did nothing about it) I can now see how whatever I do is irrelevant

[DnJ]

It will be nice now not being around to blame I wonder whose fault it’s going to be in 6 months time when his issues still cloud him

That’s exactly it.

H looks around realizes Patt hasn’t been around, yet he still feels unhappy. Then maybe he thinks, hmmmm perhaps she wasn’t the cause or to blame. And maybe he looks inward and starts doing the work he needs to do.

That awakening will take as long as it takes. Some awaken rather quickly, some take years and years, and some stay lost for the remainder of their lives. He is on his sad path on his timeline.

When one is depressed they live in the past. Anxious you’re living in the future. At peace, one is living in the present.

MLCers are big time depressed. They remember, they live, those old past times. You can see this as H keeps bringing up stuff from a decade ago to throw at you. They presently have the memory of a gnat for appointments and responsibilities, yet have a steel trap for any faltering you do. It’s par for the course. He needs to burn his way through all that.

I can now see how whatever I do is irrelevant

Nothing you do matters, and yet everything does.

And like all the advice, it’s more for you. H, the marriage, are a bonus; you are the primary goal. For in saving oneself, you have the best chance at saving your marriage.

D

[Pattnee5]

It will be nice now not being around to blame I wonder whose fault it’s going to be in 6 months time when his issues still cloud him

That’s exactly it.

H looks around realizes Patt hasn’t been around, yet he still feels unhappy. Then maybe he thinks, hmmmm perhaps she wasn’t the cause or to blame. And maybe he looks inward and starts doing the work he needs to do.

That awakening will take as long as it takes. Some awaken rather quickly, some take years and years, and some stay lost for the remainder of their lives. He is on his sad path on his timeline.

When one is depressed they live in the past. Anxious you’re living in the future. At peace, one is living in the present.

MLCers are big time depressed. They remember, they live, those old past times. You can see this as H keeps bringing up stuff from a decade ago to throw at you. They presently have the memory of a gnat for appointments and responsibilities, yet have a steel trap for any faltering you do. It’s par for the course. He needs to burn his way through all that.
.

D

Thanks D, t really has been a day of feeling at peace within myself now x as much as I knew I wasn’t to blame I think now it’s cemented for me. I too think he’s depressed even if he doesn’t, purely from the forgetting to brush teeth 🤢I still have moments and think “maybe I am wrong maybe I am labelling unnecessary” but then I think there’s no way you can fake it this MuchZ
I am going to be ok hi keep telling end working on myselft

[Sunflyer]

Thanks D, t really has been a day of feeling at peace within myself now x as much as I knew I wasn’t to blame I think now it’s cemented for me.

I am always amazed at how true everything DnJ says hits. I feel he is right on the money about so many things.

I saw a great quote online yesterday, that I will think of anytime I am tempted to feel too much guilt or blame. Perhaps it will resonate for you too. It says:

"Assigning blame in marriage is like saying, 'Your side of the boat is sinking.'"

[Ready2Change]

I saw a great quote online yesterday, that I will think of anytime I am tempted to feel too much guilt or blame. Perhaps it will resonate for you too. It says:

"Assigning blame in marriage is like saying, 'Your side of the boat is sinking.'"

I see too many poster worried about the other side of their boat. Newbies keep talking about their spouse. There is an interaction between the two people. We all need to learn to control our side. We have exactly the same number of issues that we see in our partner. It takes a lot of focused work to see our own issues and address them. Our partner is just a distorted mirror we are using to help us.

[Pattnee5]

I guess we can clean up our Side of the boat as much as we can but for as long as they aren’t doing their part too the marriage is doomed.

I have an interaction with H later today to sit down and sort out a few things with comings and goings. I feel I am going into this far better than I had in the past. I still have so much pain inside me but I do feel a bit more balanced now. I can see how this was meant to happen. I need to be in a more balanced mindset so if he does ever try to return I can make a proper decision. Unfortunately I need to admit I was in a place where if he knocked on the door
A few weeks ago I would have welcomed him beck home and tried to fix him even if je for nothing for himself. I would have been setting myself up again to fail as he would have done it all over again. I can see all of this so much more clearly now. A beautiful family friend told me yesterday “ there are blue skies ahead, we just have to go through the storm first”.

I still feel sometimes “what if I did this” or “ what if I did that” I am still learning to not be so critical of things. And I defended him to everyone who said anything in the past few months about his behaviour and hurt toward me. I was so entwined into his mess. I was clinging to hope and love. Now I have just lost all hope

I just want to clarify in regard to what I do now moving forward.obviously today we sit and discuss current arrangements for the next few months and scheduling. Where he doesn’t come and go, or sit and watch movies or have family dinners. I don’t mind crossing paths occasionally but I don’t want to have to have any sort of spousal married couple interactions like the last few months where I let him waltz in and out and do as he pleases. I plan to tell him we do this for the next few months then reassess the more major stuff toward the end of the year ( as todays market isn’t great to sell in where we are). Do I even mention sitting back down in a few months? Or do I just then sit back and let him come to me and initiate it all from here forward? After all this is all his decision he is just incapable of taking any action or the reigns right now. So should I take the reins? I think I know the answer is no I don’t and let him do his heavy lifting now.

[Sunflyer]

I guess we can clean up our Side of the boat as much as we can but for as long as they aren’t doing their part too the marriage is doomed.

Bingo. That's the point. Both persons are in the same boat. When one decides not to fix their side, and just points to the leak in the other, they both drown.

When one always says, "It can't be done," "You don't make me happy anymore," etc., they are shooting themselves in the foot.

So the other has to go on improving, for their own sake.

I still feel sometimes “what if I did this” or “ what if I did that” I am still learning to not be so critical of things.

Yeah, don't bother with this. Just putting a bigger hole in your side of the boat. We are all limited by what we know to do at the time. And there's no guarantee that if something had been done differently, the outcome would have been any different.

After all this is all his decision he is just incapable of taking any action or the reigns right now. So should I take the reins? I think I know the answer is no I don’t and let him do his heavy lifting now.

Let him drive it. I understand this apparent indecision is maddening, with him just keeping things in limbo. But make him own what happens. I just got the letter from my wife's lawyer, so this is reality for me now. She had to make the first move, and she'll have to initiate everything else.

[Pattnee5]

Well the talk was ok today. I didn’t get angry or anything but he discussed financially separating etc
Then he hit me with something that threw me a lot and that was a work opportunity he was planning to take to live abroad for 6-12 months. That I was never expecting. That person who was at peace a few hours before was absolutely floored. That man would have never left his kids for that long. D14 and S12.
I was shocked but held myself together. I told him I was letting him go and he said he was letting me go too. Went home and cried my eyes out though and still feel absolutely numb and shocked. I guess we are certainly done and over now. I feel so numb and still have been crying on and off all evening. I think that shattered the last of my tiny fragments of hope I had remaining that our lives would come back together. It might make my life easier to lose that love for him. But my poor children are going to be so upset. I am going ro be a mother and a father at once. Tonight I reach out to you at a time of weakness and complete vulnerability please fellow DB tell me there are blue skies ahead out of this storm I am in

[Terapin]

Wow. Ok, is it a definite that he's actually going to take the job? Could he just be thinking about it? Could he just be mentioning it to upset you?

As a father, I couldn't imagine leaving my kid for a year, so it doesn't even really compute with me how or why he would do that. I'm going to assume that he knows most of whatever he makes at that job is going to go to you for child support.

So my advice would be to just wait and see what happens. I wouldn't tell your kids anything about it. If he wants to, then he can. No use upsetting them (and yourself) before anything's definite.

[Pattnee5]

Wow. Ok, is it a definite that he's actually going to take the job? Could he just be thinking about it? Could he just be mentioning it to upset you?

As a father, I couldn't imagine leaving my kid for a year, so it doesn't even really compute with me how or why he would do that. I'm going to assume that he knows most of whatever he makes at that job is going to go to you for child support.

A lot around this doesn’t make sense Terapin. I too couldn’t possibly see how or why he would even entertain this idea despite his feelings of wanting to separate.
He said he finds out soon about it it’s with his current company. His words were “ I most likely will take it if I get it as it’s a good career profession”
This is the same man who only 2 years ago was unsure of if he wanted to pursue a higher role within his company and who I had to nudge quite hard to stop procrastinating and do it.
Again I never in my wildest dreams imagined he would even entertain this idea he has always been such an amazing father and in the past he never would have even thought about it until the kids were much older. It’s almost like he doesn’t even care who he even hurts now.


It’s like he wants to completely run from his whole life here. I understand the daily grind of household chores and running around with the kids plus wife etc have taken a toll ( he even said “ I have just been ground down so much repeatedly by me, my past et)

Could he be saying it to upset me? Yes maybe but he did want to be open that it was in the pipeline.
It’s quite a terrible move really and idea but I can’t say a thing to tell him otherwise. He is such a stubborn person right now

I feel strong in how I accepted this and letting him go but there were still tiny fragments of hope and love I still clung to somewhere deep within