I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D
I am speaking to a lawyer next week. For now we will come up with some sort of arrangement with the kids and co parenting. I surprisingly woke up ( after only two hours of sleep and tears) actually feeling at peace with things today. Is this what rope dropping feels like? Hahaha
I do not feel like I need to hold on anymore nor try to keep pushing through and trying to keep loving him. I now want to distance myself as much as I can to heal my heart so I can one day fall in love again. I was holding on so tight for so long. I think this is very much needed because I can now see if he tried to return tomorrow I would have probably taken him back. It’s not a decision coming from a clear mind and balance. If he ever chooses to return I want to come from a place of balance and make the right decision for me and the kids. I have woken up feeling like the weight on my chest has lifted. I don’t deserve someone angry disrespectful and a recluse or someone who will keep dredging up our past. I am still shocked that all his issues are around things that happened 10 and 20 years ago when we were kids and we had made mistakes. Not who we are now as mature adults. He has nothing to pin on me at the moment so he’s gone back in time. I have realised too how immature he really has become now. I don’t even know if I feel sorry for him now because he made his bed now he needs to sleep in it. It will be nice now not being around to blame I wonder whose fault it’s going to be in 6 months time when his issues still cloud him
Anyway I was feeling flat today, came to work the work girls have cheered me up so much and we are going out for a work dinner. I am looking forward to dressing up have a laugh and being surrounded by so much love.
It’s funny I have thought I have DB so terribly. I didn’t detach properly I clung to do much hope for so long and bent over backwards for him ( only for him to say nothings changed for him even though he did nothing about it) I can now see how whatever I do is irrelevant