I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Sunflyer so very true they need to feel their own pain and learn that they are to blame for their unhappiness. I refuse to keep getting dragged down into his boiling bubbling pot of issues. He needs to learn to sink or swim now unfortunately. I tried for a very long time. What a juvenile teenager. I am no longer going to be treated like garbage that he can toss around to fuel his ego.
I do feel I am getting stronger and better. I know I will come away a better woman who has immensely grown through this and will have a thriving second half of life. I am now anticipating the typical MLC script or email or something to say “ I am done for good let’s start proceedings” I know is possibly coming next the only difference is I will be in a far better position to make a more balanced decision for me and the kids

[Pattnee5]

I must say I used to really hurt every time he has thrown the “ I only stayed for the kids” and “I moved to this city for you and left my family and friends”. That used to cut me so deep. Now I just think of how pathetic that actually sounds. He left his city at age 26 and is now 48. He has now almost spent the same amount of time here and since when did I become the reason for his inability to make and sustain friendships. This truth twisting is honestly mind boggling that they can cause so much pain

[Rockon]

Yes mind boggling. I am still shaking my head at some of the new ones WW said to me last time we hung out 10 days ago.

[Pattnee5]

Well it’s my turn now I guess. H and I crossed paths earlier. It’s almost like I predicted this talk was coming. He said the anniversary he was ok but the day before he wasn’t great. I didn’t say a lot, then he proceeded to say he still thinks he is done and wants to separate. We sat down to discuss it a bit more civil. I didn’t yell or get angry. His reasoning “ I’ve lived away from home now for 3 months and I can’t see myself coming back or making love to you my feelings are the same.”
Mind you for 3 months since he lived out he has been coming and going I have been kind accomodating, changed myself as a person, massive 180 got help. He has done nothing not a single thing to help himself or work on us. How can one man expect anything to change if he is not willing to do anything about it. I was patient, accomodating, only a few weeks ago he was watching movies and going for walks initiating hugs and kisses goodbye. Here I was thinking just maybe je was turning the corner. But now , no he still says he can’t forget or erase his memory of the past from 9 years ago. He still thinks about it. Tonight was a new one jell he said “ if this was my friend coming to me with this problem now I would tell him to leave his wife so how can allow and live with it, what will people think of me for staying.” He says he can’t see himself coming home sleeping in bed etc. was it a gut punch? Well not as bad as I would have thought. Although the tears have flown here privately. I just said I am sad he feels that way that I don’t want our marriage to end and I have wanted to fight to make us work becsuee I see w Great future with a bit of hard work together. He didn’t really say much.
I did feel how can he honestly expect anything to change if our circumstances hadn’t changed. He basically came and went played dad played husband ( all bar the intimacy snd sleeping over). It wasn’t even how proper separation work. So yes I have been a fool a very patient fool who did DB( not great most of the times) along the way, but now I am finally letting that rope go. I have organised a meeting with him on Saturday to discuss the logistics of how we go about co parenting now and crossing paths and when je has kids for dinner etc. I told him that if this is what he chooses we need to do it properly there is no friendzone there is no family dinners etc. he needs to live in what it means to properly seperate not the coming and going and having me on the side.
Will this make him wake up? Who knows I’ve lost all hope now. The fact that he has seeked his legal options means this is what he wants I guess.
Everyone around me has been telling me for ages to give him the boot and let him suffer w bit of tough love and he will most likely crawl back. I don’t believe it but I also don’t believe he’s had a decent enough reason to fix his own issues,he has just coasted along living life as normal. He is so angry but I feel he’s more angry in himself. Moreso because he kept saying he wanted to stop drinking and then never would, would always come around with a wine. It’s still isn’t sitting right with him I still feel so much that he is still so indecisive considering all the mixed messaging and emotions. This is likely on the back of the anniversary I don’t know, a trigger I guess.

Anyway I think I am ok. I had my cry, I’ve sat and worked out the kids schedule to propose. I’ve even removed my wedding rings which I did not want to do. I am unsure if I tell him to remove the rest of his clothes out of the cupboards and if I take all our photos off the wall. I am still hurting a bit. I think he will regret this for the rest of his life and I think unfortunately he has his sibling in his ear who is a serial divorcer ( up to number 3) and goes
For the kill each time.

I think I am ok, I am sad but ok. I tried my guts out for 7 months since BD, even was so kind and caring and patient for 3 months he has been gone. I really hate these MLC. He is using my A from 9yrs ago as his upper hand when he hadn’t mentioned it for years and always told me he forgave me and we moved past it. I guess blaming others for your current issues is easier. I was so gobsmacked when he said “ well we have lived apart for 3 months and I feel the same I don’t feel like I want ti return” how can you sit back and do nothing to help yourself or invest in the marriage and expect it magically is better x

Sorry for the vent
I don’t know where else to go x

[Terapin]

Sorry to read that, but you seem to be doing well. I'm starting to think, that even when our spouses do have 2nd thoughts, they feel like they can't go back. Maybe it's pride or something. Every time I thought my W may be reconsidering (being nice, helpful, asking me to do stuff, etc), it was soon followed up with a gut punch. And yes, bringing up stuff from the past is their way of justifying their current actions/decisions.

When a relationship ends, the person that ends it only remembers the bad times. While the person left behind only remembers the good times. The truth is likely somewhere in the middle, but both people are usually too stubborn to admit it.

[Pattnee5]

Sorry to read that, but you seem to be doing well. I'm starting to think, that even when our spouses do have 2nd thoughts, they feel like they can't go back. Maybe it's pride or something. Every time I thought my W may be reconsidering (being nice, helpful, asking me to do stuff, etc), it was soon followed up with a gut punch. And yes, bringing up stuff from the past is their way of justifying their current actions/decisions.

When a relationship ends, the person that ends it only remembers the bad times. While the person left behind only remembers the good times. The truth is likely somewhere in the middle, but both people are usually too stubborn to admit it.

Thanks terapin. I know he is just projecting and shifting blame by saying it’s all my fault, he doesn’t have the mental maturity now to see things logically. He was never like this, ever. The alien stole my H 😂😂

Ego and pride def is creeping in now. Stubbornness too. He’s made up his mind he’s told his family now he can’t possibly back down because what will they possibly think? To me he is still on a see saw. I remember the good and bad but so true H is all about the bad. The bad is just our opportunities for growth. He can’t rememberanything now with his alien glasses on.
What can I do. I am feeling very much impartial now

[Ready2Change]

Hi P5,

I have been loosely following along...

.... yes I have been a fool a very patient fool who did DB( not great most of the times) along the way, but now I am finally letting that rope go.... I told him that if this is what he chooses we need to do it properly there is no friendzone there is no family dinners etc. he needs to live in what it means to properly separate not the coming and going and having me on the side.....I’ve lost all hope now....I think I am ok. I had my cry,....I am still hurting a bit.....I think I am ok, I am sad but ok. I tried my guts out for 7 months since BD, even was so kind and caring and patient for 3 months he has been gone...

You sound like you are moving through this process better than most. Keep up the DBing. The ultimate outcome of the changes is a better version of the old you. All the new behaviors are part of the growth we all need. Can't change others, but we can make positive changes to ourselves. That is what is important.

Sorry for the vent...I don’t know where else to go x

Perfectly fine to vent here. HUGS

[Sunflyer]

Have no expectations.

Expect neither the best nor the worst outcome.

Unfortunately, you cannot presume that he wants to improve the marriage right now. If he seems to be doing everything that won't help, that might be because he wants exactly that.

Don't trust everything he says. He is speaking from fear and anger. What he does matters more than what he says.

I am in a similar situation. W has told her family, and I feel that there is a whole silent army lined up against me, since all they know is her perception of the story. I have always been nice to them, but not one has asked, "How are you holding up? How do you feel about this?"

Do what pleases you right now, what makes you strong.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Sun and ready.
Yes I still have the words in my head believe nothing of what he says and half of what he does. He has procrastinated the whole way through. Even now with him saying all this and saying he still thinks he doesn’t want to come home and him saying he has spoken about his legal advice, he stilll didn’t take any control or anything. He just blurted it all out. I was the one who has now organised we sit down on Saturday and talk about the structure and when and how we do stuff for the kids, he still is just all words and no action. I have suggested we live proper seperate now for a while and no nice family dinners etc. then toward the end of the year regroup and if that’s both what we still want then proceed toward selling the house splitting assets and going our seperate ways. Unfortunately I can t afford to buy him out. As much as I wish I could and keep the kids in their home. I’m organising that legal talk now. My heart is so very broken but I am ok and o tried everything and he is fully aware this is what he wants only and to me I guess one day that will be something that may eat him up as I have moved on. This game is exhausting. I don’t see him changing his stubborn mind now

[DnJ]

Hello Patt

This is a really good place to vent. Getting those angry emotions out and off your chest will likely lessen you taking some actions you later might have chosen not to.

Do speak with a lawyer and find out your rights, and the likely default arrangements you’re looking at. Alimony may provide enough to keep the house. Maybe you don’t buy him out, rather you can assume the mortgage (or the necessary portion of it). To that end, speak with your bank and learn what your options are. You might be able to swing more liability than you realize. Or, you choose that you don’t want to. Always good to know what’s what. Knowledge is power.

You are divorce busting very well. Do not take on H’s view. Your path need not be dictated by H’s feelings and words. Let him own his decision. Let him to the heavy lifting.

H’s talking is just the script these folks seem to follow. You said it yourself: Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does.

A year or two ago H didn’t feel like this. And his feelings changed. His feelings could will change again. Whether he will acknowledge that, or lean into that, or keep running from that, I don’t know.

There is still hope my dear. Yes, let H go. Give him to God’s hands. H needs a lot of work.

You, continue moving forward. You, find you. You, stand for you. Stand for those values and convictions you hold most dear. Invest the time to discover what and how that looks to you.

This also gives time and space to your situation. Remember, you’ve got the gift of time, use it well. Allow the future to unfold, no need to rush it along. What H is sure of today, he questions tomorrow. His mind is a ping pong match.

Stay strong. And hold your head high, you are doing great!

D