I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Well it’s my turn now I guess. H and I crossed paths earlier. It’s almost like I predicted this talk was coming. He said the anniversary he was ok but the day before he wasn’t great. I didn’t say a lot, then he proceeded to say he still thinks he is done and wants to separate. We sat down to discuss it a bit more civil. I didn’t yell or get angry. His reasoning “ I’ve lived away from home now for 3 months and I can’t see myself coming back or making love to you my feelings are the same.”
Mind you for 3 months since he lived out he has been coming and going I have been kind accomodating, changed myself as a person, massive 180 got help. He has done nothing not a single thing to help himself or work on us. How can one man expect anything to change if he is not willing to do anything about it. I was patient, accomodating, only a few weeks ago he was watching movies and going for walks initiating hugs and kisses goodbye. Here I was thinking just maybe je was turning the corner. But now , no he still says he can’t forget or erase his memory of the past from 9 years ago. He still thinks about it. Tonight was a new one jell he said “ if this was my friend coming to me with this problem now I would tell him to leave his wife so how can allow and live with it, what will people think of me for staying.” He says he can’t see himself coming home sleeping in bed etc. was it a gut punch? Well not as bad as I would have thought. Although the tears have flown here privately. I just said I am sad he feels that way that I don’t want our marriage to end and I have wanted to fight to make us work becsuee I see w Great future with a bit of hard work together. He didn’t really say much.
I did feel how can he honestly expect anything to change if our circumstances hadn’t changed. He basically came and went played dad played husband ( all bar the intimacy snd sleeping over). It wasn’t even how proper separation work. So yes I have been a fool a very patient fool who did DB( not great most of the times) along the way, but now I am finally letting that rope go. I have organised a meeting with him on Saturday to discuss the logistics of how we go about co parenting now and crossing paths and when je has kids for dinner etc. I told him that if this is what he chooses we need to do it properly there is no friendzone there is no family dinners etc. he needs to live in what it means to properly seperate not the coming and going and having me on the side.
Will this make him wake up? Who knows I’ve lost all hope now. The fact that he has seeked his legal options means this is what he wants I guess.
Everyone around me has been telling me for ages to give him the boot and let him suffer w bit of tough love and he will most likely crawl back. I don’t believe it but I also don’t believe he’s had a decent enough reason to fix his own issues,he has just coasted along living life as normal. He is so angry but I feel he’s more angry in himself. Moreso because he kept saying he wanted to stop drinking and then never would, would always come around with a wine. It’s still isn’t sitting right with him I still feel so much that he is still so indecisive considering all the mixed messaging and emotions. This is likely on the back of the anniversary I don’t know, a trigger I guess.

Anyway I think I am ok. I had my cry, I’ve sat and worked out the kids schedule to propose. I’ve even removed my wedding rings which I did not want to do. I am unsure if I tell him to remove the rest of his clothes out of the cupboards and if I take all our photos off the wall. I am still hurting a bit. I think he will regret this for the rest of his life and I think unfortunately he has his sibling in his ear who is a serial divorcer ( up to number 3) and goes
For the kill each time.

I think I am ok, I am sad but ok. I tried my guts out for 7 months since BD, even was so kind and caring and patient for 3 months he has been gone. I really hate these MLC. He is using my A from 9yrs ago as his upper hand when he hadn’t mentioned it for years and always told me he forgave me and we moved past it. I guess blaming others for your current issues is easier. I was so gobsmacked when he said “ well we have lived apart for 3 months and I feel the same I don’t feel like I want ti return” how can you sit back and do nothing to help yourself or invest in the marriage and expect it magically is better x

Sorry for the vent
I don’t know where else to go x