I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Sunflyer]

We wouldn’t push away that comfort if there wasn’t someone else.

I have wondered about this. I don't have the motivation or resources to try to find out what she does every moment that we are not together. I have always trusted her implicitly. Perhaps, when we get to the endgame of all this, I will address it and hope she respects me enough to give me an honest answer.

It was a horrible place for me to be and in a way I do deserve what I am going through now.

The way I see it, he forgave you. Which, of course, he did for his own inner peace. He recognized that holding onto any anger he felt was not healthy for him. He could have forgiven you but still said he wanted to end the marriage. He did not. Now he is awakening that old anger because it may be convenient for him. That is not your fault; that is his. You have suffered enough guilt already. Plus he is obviously suffering from clinical depression, which requires help. And as you well know, you can only lead the horse to water.

Advice you are getting on your anniversary is spot on. Mine was a little over a week ago. I did nothing. W did acknowledge it to me, but not in a way that made me feel good. I replied, "I haven't forgotten what day it is" and left it at that.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Sunflyer, yes I am at peace with the fact that we had moved past it and know that he is just using this now out of convenience to get the upper hand for his issues and shift blame. I drowned myself in guilt and suffering again early after BD but now can see the bigger picture. He certainly moved past all our past, it just reared its ugly head 12 months ago when I first saw signs of him changing. And I am not just talking about my A, he has even dredged up things very early on in our relationship from 20 years ago, things we had forgotten as we were kids finding our feet. Almost like he has kept score and hidden in his back pocket.


I am so sorry about your W but yes you don’t need to go digging.I hope you too keep swimming 🙂

The anniversary is just a moment in time a day we don’t forget. There are good anniversaries and bad anniversaries. I’ll file this one away under one of the bad ones in terms of celebrating love however will be filling my cup full of happiness with the kids. Will there be more good anniversaries to come? Who knows that’s all on H but for now we just keep moving

[Kind18]

Had his head on the table. I felt so sorry for him😞 he complained I smothered him ( and I corrected him and told him I didn’t smother him I showered him with love when he needed it most)

Bad response:
I didn’t smother you, I was showering you with love when you needed it most.

Bad response (but truthful):
Until you get your mental health sorted out with professional intervention, you’ll remain incapable of accepting love from anyone 🙄

Best DB response:
Sounds like you felt a bit trapped by my affection, and maybe you didn’t know how to tell me. Anyway, I’m going out to a bar. *Walks out of the door in sexy clothes and new perfume*.

I think Pattnee, one of the things you need to work on most, is stopping feeling sorry for him. I know you love him and want to protect/look after him during this time, but it possibly makes you come across as needy and unattractive. When he has his head down on the table, validate and then leave. Don’t let your heart break for him, because then that will translate into gushing and bad DB responses.

You can feel sad for him when you’re alone, or when you talk to your friends/family/IC.

Around him, you need to be strong and unwavering. Validate, then leave.

You didn’t break him, so you can’t fix him. He needs to walk this road himself.

When my marriage was breaking up, at one point she asked why I was still there supporting her when she was being a complete b***h to me. I responded that I’d made my vows, I loved her and wasn’t going to abandon her in her worst time. Good response, yes? ABSOLUTELY NOT! She looked like she was going to physically vomit when I said that. She had complete disdain for my weakness. Six months later when she got dumped by AP and I served her with divorce papers, she told me “you must have never loved me” 😂😂😂

Keep working on your strength around him with your IC. Don’t be a love sick puppy running around under his feet waiting for him to fall back into your arms, that’s just going to annoy him and make reconciliation less likely. Be attractive, be fun, be missing.

[Pattnee5]

Had his head on the table. I felt so sorry for him😞 he complained I smothered him ( and I corrected him and told him I didn’t smother him I showered him with love when he needed it most)

Bad response:
I didn’t smother you, I was showering you with love when you needed it most.

Bad response (but truthful):
Until you get your mental health sorted out with professional intervention, you’ll remain incapable of accepting love from anyone 🙄

Best DB response:
Sounds like you felt a bit trapped by my affection, and maybe you didn’t know how to tell me. Anyway, I’m going out to a bar. *Walks out of the door in sexy clothes and new perfume*.

I think Pattnee, one of the things you need to work on most, is stopping feeling sorry for him. I know you love him and want to protect/look after him during this time, but it possibly makes you come across as needy and unattractive. When he has his head down on the table, validate and then leave. Don’t let your heart break for him, because then that will translate into gushing and bad DB responses.

You can feel sad for him when you’re alone, or when you talk to your friends/family/IC.

Around him, you need to be strong and unwavering. Validate, then leave.

You didn’t break him, so you can’t fix him. He needs to walk this road himself.

When my marriage was breaking up, at one point she asked why I was still there supporting her when she was being a complete b***h to me. I responded that I’d made my vows, I loved her and wasn’t going to abandon her in her worst time. Good response, yes? ABSOLUTELY NOT! She looked like she was going to physically vomit when I said that. She had complete disdain for my weakness. Six months later when she got dumped by AP and I served her with divorce papers, she told me “you must have never loved me” 😂😂😂

Keep working on your strength around him with your IC. Don’t be a love sick puppy running around under his feet waiting for him to fall back into your arms, that’s just going to annoy him and make reconciliation less likely. Be attractive, be fun, be missing.

Thankyou Kind. I can now see my mistake in my bad response I’m sorry. You’re right I forgot to validate. I too expect him one day to say “why are you supporting me when I have been so mean” I know it’s coming he has said that before in the past. It’s funny I thought your response sounded good and probably what I would have said too 🤣 oh boy I guess I still have a lot to learn and I certainly want to avoid the love sick puppy at all stages that’s for sure. I hope I keep finding the strength

[Kind18]

Don’t apologise to me! Why are you always apologising?

What you did is what 99.9% of people would do, and is a normal, reasonable and apparently logical way to respond.

It’s just that you can’t be reasonable, normal or logical with a wayward/walk away spouse.

You are learning really fast. There’s always going to be small slip ups here and there.

And remember - if you spend less time around him, scientifically, there will be less chance of slip ups 🧐 Something to think about, and why we never encourage talks or interactions or spending time together.

Perhaps next time you forget to DB and forget to validate, maybe rather than come here and say sorry, you could think to yourself “oh well, I slipped up, but this one thing is not going to make or break our marriage. I’m DBing better than 90% of people, so actually I’m going really well 😎”

Look forwards, not backwards.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind for that, and keeping me in check 😄😄. So very true I do apologise a lot, I think I have spent months since Bd just constant apologising too and I hate that for me.
I completely agree now about spending less time beer or with him. I just have no desire anymore to keep doing the same dance to be honest. I am exhausted. I am spent. I feel so much lighter and better when I don’t have to see H and be reminded of his mess and lack of doing anything.
So taking that on board now and going to keep an extremely wide berth. He wants “ space” and feels “smothered”( even though it was all him initiating on his terms), well then I’ll just remove myself from his picture

Had a great day with kids kids today did a lot of stuff, went for a run( have started running again and will try and work toward training for another half marathon in December) dinner out. I did get sad this evening and had a small cry. I couldn’t help itX the man who showered me with flowers and affection for so many years and now silence. I am selfish to even expect a token or anything, but just another cross against him in my books that he isn’t who he was and I don’t want this version.

I am much more at peace now. Today really did hurt me. In the past I would have been resistant to pull right back I would have allowed him to come and go again and play his game. Today sits different to the last few months. It’s almost like I have had an awakening to this all. Hey I do NOT deserve this, I do not want this version of my H, I deserve so much better than this. I’ve lost a lot of respect and hope.

I’m sorry for coming on here and venting. I feel I need to get it out ro people who get it and have walked in my shoes and don’t just brush MLc and all this aside.
Thanks for all your advide, guidance, pushing and and keeping me going. The lighthouse still remains it’s just done focusing on a broken ship now

[Rockon]

As far as I’m concerned Pattnee you can vent all you want here. You’ve got a lot in there that needs to be acknowledged.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Rock. Am always a bit harsh on myself unfortunately. Always been someone with a lot of drive and determination and positivity. So this whole life event has certainly taught me alot. I am not a fan of sitting back and not fixing things 🤣

[Sunflyer]

I did get sad this evening and had a small cry. I couldn’t help it the man who showered me with flowers and affection for so many years and now silence. I am selfish to even expect a token or anything, but just another cross against him in my books that he isn’t who he was and I don’t want this version.

This is a guy speaking and when this first hit, I bawled like an infant. I haven't cried like that in ages. Maybe when my mother passed. And before she did, I remember my wife said to her, "I'll take care of your son." Wonder what my mom would think now, of the promise W made to her. No shame in expressing what we feel, ever! W made me feel like the luckiest man in the universe. Couldn't believe I was hers. But yeah, the current version just s***ks.

Hey I do NOT deserve this, I do not want this version of my H, I deserve so much better than this.

You are absolutely right. Never forget it. This situation really messed with my self-esteem when it started. But now, oddly, I feel my self-worth getting stronger. She has been lucky to have me, flaws, mistakes, and all. Hard-working, gentle, never unfaithful, always provided for our family, tried to make her feel like the sexiest woman alive, even if she didn't believe it herself (and it seems she never did). I look around at how some people treat their SOs, and I'd say my stock is pretty high. We all deserve better than we are getting.

[Sunflyer]

Thanks Rock. Am always a bit harsh on myself unfortunately. Always been someone with a lot of drive and determination and positivity. So this whole life event has certainly taught me alot. I am not a fan of sitting back and not fixing things 🤣

This is our problem. We are fixers, and we have loved ones who don't want to be fixed. They have chosen unhappiness; we are not forcing it on them.

Ultimately, they will have to learn for themselves, that they have done plenty to create the unhappiness that they feel. And if they don't learn that, they are going to be dealing with misery for the rest of their lives, and blaming it on someone else.