I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Hi Patnee:

You really do describe well what it can be like to deal with this. The word is "alien."

Your story and DnJ's are shocking and heartbreaking to read. I don't have anything to compare, really. I don't know if my wife is experiencing MLC. But I do see that this is not the person I've loved, not the person I married.

The person I loved wrote me that her marriage vows mattered with the utmost of seriousness. That she would not leave me unless I wanted her to go. That we could work through messes. That is all forgotten now.

The person I loved had a cheerful "Hi!" for me everyday. Now I never hear that. She still gives me a smile now and then; at other times she stares as I walk by, as if I were stalking her.

The person I loved would not throw family photographs into the trash, because they represented happier times in our relationship, like our engagement and wedding. Now she has done that, even if I am not in the photographs. Photographs of her aunts and uncles. Of her with her late grandmother, whom she adored. I saved some of those photos from the trash, when she was not aware.

The person I loved would not speak to my own family behind my back about our problems, especially when I told her not to. Now she has my younger sister telling her that she can "do better" than me.

I am sure that, like the others who have told you their stories, you probably worked hard for your husband. Pulled the moon down from the sky for him. Believed he would be there for you when it got hard, not just when it was easy, instead of running away.

Now, regardless of what happens, you are grabbing that moon down from the sky, for you. You deserve whatever happiness you can create for yourself. May the future smile on you and grant you peace.

Hi Sunflyer, I have been trying to construct my response to you all day thinking about it and now that I have time to sit I wanted to respond. Firstly Thankyou for your words( I’m certainly grabbing for that moon for me).
I had a quick read about your W situation and your situation and I am so sorry. I think something DnJ wrote above spoke so true to my heart. The whole maturity thing and acting like an 18 year old a teenager a kid. While I don’t know what your wife is going through emotionally, I can say women’s hormones suck and they fluctuate like crazy. Is she having a MLc? Maybe. But I can say that we want love we crave affection and in moments where we act like irrational teenagers there is someone else ( whether it’s physical or emotional) especially if she is distancing you. We want to be held and comforted. We wouldn’t push away that comfort if there wasn’t someone else.
I went through a terrible timewhen I was 30. Looking back now it was the worst time of my life. H was ignoring me immensely( worse than now) stopped wanting to come out and spend time with me or get intimate , throw in a bit of post natal depression and some crazy hormones, I started chasing my youth, started acting like a silly 18 year old going out drinking and partying with friends.And when one person paid a bit too much attention to me I made the worst mistake of my life which I still live with and had a PA and an EA. I thought I was done with H I would run away from my life my problems and be with this new person.However I do remember in that moment I rewrote my narrative and spun my garbage to validate my behaviour. I hated looking at H, felt alot of anger toward him for no reason other than he wasn’t loving me.I lacked love when I looked and my husband who was non existent in my life who never wanted to be with me hang out with me. I justified my irrational childish behaviour. And then one day I snapped out of it, the secret came out I felt immense relief and I fought for my H even though I broke him. I finally saw him again, saw his love his dedication.
I never wanted to leave him I just wanted him to see me and the only way I thought to get his attention was to do something so hurtful.I never forget the immense relief when he confronted me and then I fought like crazy for my marriage
Long story short he pledged his love we went to counselling we did a lot of work and for 9 years never had any issues( he regained his full trust and never brought it up). Now I am reliving that all over again as the alien has resurfaced that hurt and using it as the upper hand. I do deserve it I do feel so incredibly guilty even though I had forgiven myself and he had forgiven me. I don’t think that’s the full blame for what is going on now but it certainly is a card he is using a lot. I look back at myself then wnd can’t believe I was they person. I have grown and done alot of work on myself and will never be that juvenile 18 year old mess living in a 30 year old body. But I too remember the tunnel was dark, the routine was rubbish, H was not a good version of himself toward me and I made poor life choices. Which leads me to today, keeping myself afloat, weathering the storm wherever it will take me, refusing to succumb or seek comfort in anyone else’s arms as I did many moons ago. As a female our hormones are uncontrollable at times but there is no excuse for our behaviour and poor choices. I am glad my H fought for me, I felt relief when my secret secret was out. It was a horrible place for me to be and in a way I do deserve what I am going through now.
I do hope your W can sort her feelings out. I think my resilience and determination now comes from deep within those times and the growth I have done. I am dreading menopause but I have learnt a lot about myself, and one of my biggest lessons is my H can push me as much as he wants with his rubbish behaviour now ( possibly repeating his past behaviour) but I will never falter into the disgusting arms of another.
I really think a MLC between man and woman is so very different. I don’t think mine was a MLc rather a maturing as DnJ mentioned. One I desperately needed to get my reality check

I do wish to send you strength and love just as I need it too.
( as you can see with my thoughts today about the impending anniversary and if I should reach out-those lovely hormones have reared their ugly head)