Anyhow, your H displays plenty signs of crisis. Read your paragraph of his living conditions and self care. Read it like you read my retelling of my XW. It’s rather clear your H’s state. As unbelievable incredible as it is. (Incredible instead of unbelievable. Our minds are constantly listening and will craft as we ask it to.)
Your H is not living like he is because he wants to. He is because he is driven to. He is in deep depression. Experiencing feelings and torments that are foreign and unrealized. He has no idea of their origin or reason. The sheer magnitude of these feelings is off the scale and equally foreign to him. He has never felt anything so strong, and so uncontrolled.
. In fact, the trigger of our spouse’s emotional runaway train is triggered usually 18-24 months earlier. BD is just when their internal pressure has reached the point of simultaneous explosion and implosion. They are so hurt and broken they blow up everything around them.
D
HI D Wow wow wow. I always so look forward to your responses and insight and this one has made me tear up. Such a powerful story and words, and helped me immensely. No question whatsoever that my H is in a similar way. The difference is he is so non committal to saying the words let’s make it permanent let’s divorce let’s sell the house etc, just a whole lot of I’m not sure but I think this is what I want.
I went back and googled again the main signs he ticks so many boxes. It never sat right at BD that he didn’t love me that this is what he has wanted for so long. Usually when a person is done they pack up and move straight out no questions straight to divorce do not pass go.
His obvious depression, becoming a recluse, lack of self care, constantly blaming me then shifting and blaming himself, apathetic, struggling to get out of bed some days, anger, substance abuse, No remorse just constantly feeling bad for himself and no care for the hurt around him, immense procrastination saying he wants to fix himself get help seek medical help yet taking no action, avoiding all social situations and outings, avoiding people, alienating himself,on autopilot robotic , jealous of people around him, everything is a chore( the only thing he ever does is chores, work, gym, sleep repeat), complaining of getting old, flabby stomach, no more muscles, comparing to pictures of himself in his 30s where he had muscles, feeling old saying he’s old, impotence and blaming me the list goes on. I finally see this is a MLc or transition and I am front and centre as his supposed way out.
It truly is a sad thing. I feel sorry for him. I love him despite how many times he tries to kick me to the curb but I know this is now his path and his path alone. Nobody understands this. My family is so angry at him and won’t cut him any slack. They just say” well if he has mental problems he can go and get help” they can’t see that he just physically can’t do it and would rather blame me. They can’t understand how he can create such torment and turmoil on the kids on the family etc. So many bridges are being burnt yet my love for him is still there.
I would say looking back now you are correct I would say 12 months pre BD I started to see the shift in behaviour, but just assumed it was a bad patch, because this man was my best friend and would always share his thoughts and feelings, would always stand up and seek help when needed. He was always so loving and caring and even just before this whole process wrote me the most heartfelt letter of declaring his undying love for me( only 1 year before BD). Then the alien slowly started to move in. The version of him now is one I have never seen in my whole 17 years of being married to him.I didn’t marry the alien. This alien moved in to H body about 18 months ago and I want him gone already.
Thankyou for your encouragement, I still am putting one foot in front of the other now and learning to be impartial to what he does or doesn’t do. I’ll keep standing solid in the wings and see where the story goes. My life and my kids life will keep moving and he has to run to catch up now,(no more me dragging him along)
I didn’t think it was a MLc I never wanted to label him and always found it easier to just take the blame. However I now truly know I am not to blame, this is not my fault I did not break him( I’ve been trying to save him) and he needs to find his own way out
Thanks again DnJ you truly have helped me in so many ways with this
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
