I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I don’t know if it’s normal but I find myself questioning am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC when it might not be?

Perfectly normal to question the validity of such. A midlife crisis has been falsified and glamorized by Hollywood and society. It’s not about getting a red sports car and a younger girlfriend. A crisis is a horrible terrible derailing and crashing of one’s emotions and emotional system.

A MLCer cannot handle the emotions stirred up within them. And they are driven to some pretty far off “crazy” extremes to try to alleviate their torment. They will live and behave completely opposite and different than they used to. Realize they are driven to their behaviours. They are running from their ceaseless torments.

I knew absolutely nothing about a midlife crisis before my situation. Why would I? Until you come face to face with such an alien, such a replacement of your spouse, such wildly out of character behaviours, you just don’t know. And, you just don’t believe it. That’s completely understandable on multiple fronts: society’s teachings, our own naivety, and how off the rails the situation is. Worse is, other people - friends, family, coworkers, etc - don’t believe; since they are like we once were. Blissfully unaware.

I was very fortunate that my XW dropped the bomb at Thanksgiving Day supper in front of my parents and kids. I had seven witnesses. My Mom later told me she’d not have believed me if I had told her what had happened. She’d have thought I was embellishing due to the break up. However, she saw it first hand. Everyone did. And none of us eight suspected anything was wrong with my and W’s relationship. None of us eight knew what the heck happened. We were all dumbfounded. (Actually, we were in disbelief. We simple could not, would not, believe such. Later, I realized that “disbelieving” keeps you there; dumbfounded is moving forward and apt.)

My best friend, along with two of my sons, witnessed the strangest of her behaviours. Time travel. In the middle of a sentence, W shifted back into her older, present age, self.

She was emotionlessly talking about divorce and splitting up stuff, how we don’t love each other anymore, etc. I said some rebuff of how we did love each other. She started to continued, and mid sentence she stopped, her face changed color, cheeks flushed, eyes went front shark to sparkle, and she said “Yes, there is love”.

W and I spoke for about 20 seconds, while the witnesses watched stupefied by the transformation before them. Then she stopped. And I swear, something reached up from within her, her face contorted, twisted, the color drained from her, cheeks returning to grey, eyes lost their shine and went dark, even her voice altered, and she picked up - right where she left off mid sentence a half minute before. The most spookiest thing I’ve ever experienced. To see such fragility of the human mind. My heart just broke for her. She was consumed by something far far beyond my reach or power to overcome or help with.

As a guy, powerless was not a comfortable place. The whole situation was absolutely beyond my control. Luckily, I stumbled upon this site as I, and the kids, and my parents, scoured the internet for some explanation/answer. Brain tumour, emotional break down, psychotic episode, and so on.

It was my daughter that actually first found a list of mid life crisis behaviours. There were ten behaviours / indicators. If your spouse had seven or more, they might be in a crisis. W firmly ticked all ten. That lead me to refined searching and eventually here. And so many lessons. One such: control. Accepting one’s limitations, accepting what they actually do/can control.

My XW’s personality shifts have four distinct ages. Her current age (presently 52), her at 18, 13, and 7. XW is usually the brash rebellious 18 year old. When pressured she shrinks away, becoming the 13 year old. Further pressure or blaming or such, and she withdrawals into the 7 year old. It’s absolutely crushing to witness such vivid response. Only two times, I’ve pushed and caused such transformations.

Interestingly, while XW is whatever age she is behaving, she is that age. For example, she did math like a seven year old. She could not multiply or divide; although as an adult she can. She could not figure out how much money she’d make shovelling snow. By the way, she was ecstatic that she got prepaid for the season from someone. She had $100 in hand, and had the world by the tail! Just a kid. A lost soul.

Anyhow, your H displays plenty signs of crisis. Read your paragraph of his living conditions and self care. Read it like you read my retelling of my XW. It’s rather clear your H’s state. As unbelievable incredible as it is. (Incredible instead of unbelievable. Our minds are constantly listening and will craft as we ask it to.)

Your H is not living like he is because he wants to. He is because he is driven to. He is in deep depression. Experiencing feelings and torments that are foreign and unrealized. He has no idea of their origin or reason. The sheer magnitude of these feelings is off the scale and equally foreign to him. He has never felt anything so strong, and so uncontrolled.

My XW, days after bomb drop and her leaving and moving in with OM, confided in me that she thought she was going crazy. For two months before BD she cried all the time. Every day, I’d go to work, the kids would go to school, and she’d cry. She felt she was going crazy! She told me she had such odd crazy feelings, things she could not put her finger on. Her confided epiphany came when she realized that a crazy person would not realize they were going crazy, so therefore she wasn’t.

After that reasoning, she destroyed her life. Threw away the family, me, the kids, the dogs, the house, the cars, the yard, the garden, her career, her friends, my parents, and so on. She ran head long towards her new life. Mind boggling doesn’t capture nor do justice in description of how it went down.

Her prized possession she took with her - a coffee mug she bought at a garage sale. She took some some clothes, her wedding rings, a laundry basket, her pillow, an old set of drawers, and the bathroom scale. She took the vegetables from the freezer. That’s it.

No gifts or pictures. In fact, as she was “shopping” through the house loading her laundry basket, daughter asked Mom if she wanted the keepsake necklace daughter had made for her years ago. This precious necklace hung on the wall in our bedroom. W looked at the necklace, letting it slide back through her hand and fingers as it fell back onto the wall. She then turned and lifelessly continued to the next room. Daughter (all the kids) was so heartbroken, Mom threw everything and everyone away. Granted, she is rather an extreme case.

Looking back, I see her ceaseless pressure was slowly building over the preceding couple of years. A crisis only appears to start at bomb drop. In fact, the trigger of our spouse’s emotional runaway train is triggered usually 18-24 months earlier. BD is just when their internal pressure has reached the point of simultaneous explosion and implosion. They are so hurt and broken they blow up everything around them.

The LBS usually gets blamed. The MLCer cannot, really cannot, be at fault. They cannot handle such on top of everything they are experiencing. My XW, oddly, more blamed the kids than me. As her being 18, she saw her own daughter as a rival and treated her as such. XW also picked on the youngest son more than the other two boys. Of course, he did tell her the truth. And anyone or anything that gets in the way of a MLCer’s narrative will be mowed down.

am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC

This feeling of maybe too harsh comes from a couple things, IMO. The aforementioned unknown and disbelieving default we have. And grief and loss.

We know our spouse, the person they were. We love them. And we’ve lost them. Denial obviously keeps one from accepting this new reality. The more strange one is bargaining. We feel such “harshness” because we are trying to keep alive the old normal.

That is the crux of what bargaining is. Doing, saying, things to maintain the old feelings of normal. It’s the last ditch efforts before we succumb to the depression and realization of our loss. After depression, one can actually accept the loss. As I first said, perfectly normal to feel that way.

Seeing a crisis and its horrible damages is harsh. This is a jarring reality, one which folks just don’t know until they see it. Friends and family cannot validate your path if they haven’t walked in your shoes. They will disbelieve and call it “too harsh”. (((Hugs))) The path of a LBS, whose spouse is a MLCer, can be a lonely one.

I know he needs to sort his mess out himself

Yep.

To lessen, and not reinforce the harshness:

We let go with compassion. Let go with understanding, with kindness, with empathy. Find forgiveness.

…for a long time I wasn’t prepared to let go in fear if I did it would blow our chances.

Yes, fear is paralyzing.

Realize H is on his path. Most of his blaming is projection since he cannot blame himself. He will twist and manipulate his world to fit whatever it is he feels he needs at that moment.

His journey is an emotional one. And as such, his path will not follow rational behaviour or ideals. He will flit from one thing to another. Forgo reason and responsibility for feelings; both numbing his pains and trying to feel something. He is a lost soul, adrift upon a storm.

I don’t know if being a MLC if I need to tread differently. I have read on the forum and DR chapter multiple times. I am just getting on with my life now, leaving him behind in his mess.I feel so sorry for him but I can’t help him. I think he knows I am here if he needs me. I am still trying to be that lighthouse.

A MLCer, or WAW/WS, the LBS’ path is pretty much the same. For a MLCer, it is much more time and space needed.

You said it well, you cannot help him. Not directly. You can be a lighthouse. You can influence and perhaps guide him to smoother waters, by living your life.

H needs to traverse his path. For once he started down this road he has to follow it to completion. There are no shortcuts to his journey.

We LBS, all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. Hanging on, getting dragged about, is common for the LBS. That’s, part of our journey. A step towards acceptance.

Keep moving forward. You are doing really good.

D