I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

I don’t know if it’s normal but I find myself questioning am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC when it might not be? But the longer this journey had gone the crazier it is. It is like an alien abducted my H and replaced him with a robot. He’s become so apathetic,lifeless, robotic since BD. Some days normal and chatty other days distant. In one breath says he is to blame, in the next breath blames me on absolutely everything. A few weeks ago he started apologising for his behaviour and said he feels he “is starting to come out the other side” whatever that means. I didn’t buy it. The drinking is still going ( which is coupled usually with either cheery happy behaviour, or one drink too many and the anger and resentment towards me and storms off). He is living in the absolute pits, small unit above my family’s house( don’t even ask how I’m handling that relationship). Small dingy mouldy apartment sleeping on an inflatable, taped plastic on all windows and made it complete blackout, clothes spread everywhere an absolute pigsty. The lack of brushing teeth was the real eye opener for me. My H used to be obsessed with cleanliness, showers, self image, always in jeans and nice clothes. Now just in sweatpants. He literally works from the gloomy unit, comes and runs errands with the kids, goes to the gym and watches tv. He stopped wanting to go out about a year ago, avoided social settings, gets sweaty in face to face work meetings, social anxiety crept in. He is an angry, boring, mess. Some days I feel too cruel labelling it a MLC but he ticks so many boxes. This was not the man I lived with for 20 years. I don’t think he even cleans. I have been very blunt and brutal lately, telling him some home truths too, not standing to be verbally abused and demoralised. I too said that he hasn’t been an easy person to love with his behaviour the last year yet I dig deep. It’s like talking to a wall some days, others he gets so teary and cries.
Anyway we aren’t really spending any time together anymore. We have stopped the coming and going after he recently started blaming me again, saying I broke his heart, saying he still wants to separate saying he loves and cares for me but isn’t in love with me and can’t see himself sleeping next to me or holidaying with me. Oh and even blamed me for the fact that he had issues in the intimacy dept going a bit limp just before Bd.says he still needs space/ time isn’t sure. Needs a few days to think. Gets clammy and sweaty if challenged, queasy and anxious if I say something about him he doesn’t like.
For someone who had had alot of time alone he still isn’t sure.
So as much as the kids had loved having him come and go and play happy families I’ve stopped that now.
I know he needs to sort his mess out himself, for a long time I wasn’t prepared to let go in fear if I did it would blow Our chances. I really just should have been harsher like you all encouraged me. Now I realise it doesn’t help him at all and he needs to find his own feet without me trying to pull him out of the big hot mess he has got himself into. Everyone is telling me to cut him loose let him hit rock bottom and let him see if he sinks or swims on his own.
I still feel cruel labelling it a MLC but he just ticks so many boxes except he hasn’t gone for the flashy sports cars and spending and OW( that I am aware of). He had instead become a miserable recluse. It’s like the world came out of covid lockdowns and he forgot to come with it. He used to be so good talking about his feelings and thoughts now he just bottles everything up. It’s hard work even having a day to day conversation because he just seems so detached. Emotionless. Lifeless. No happiness, doesn’t have fun anymore.
I don’t know if being a MLC if I need to tread differently. I have read on the forum and DR chapter multiple times. I am just getting on with my life now, leaving him behind in his mess.I feel so sorry for him but I can’t help him. I think he knows I am here if he needs me. I am still trying to be that lighthouse