I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Hi Rock, no H doesn’t live with me and hasn’t since about mid March. He isn’t far away, walking distance. But I have alllowed him to come and go as he felt he needed and it was getting to a point where we felt like a couple, I thought we were progressing. He was hugging and kissing and watching movies cooking dinner together. Best of both worlds. I was trying to be patient and keeping that door open but maybe it did more harm than good and stopped him tackling his issues.
To watch him retreat again, to say “ILYBNILWY” again “I don’t see myself coming home and sleeping next to you or holiday with you” all the same words was more of a reality check for me that yep he hasn’t changed he hasn’t progressed and he’s pulling away. The worst part is there were good days where he openly admitted that he was to blame and not me, however in the moment of retreat the narrative changes and it’s all on me.
This retreat back into his hole as upsetting as it is I am more upset within myself for allowing the seesaw behaviour and trying to help him do much through his crisis.

As for my anniversary I have taken the day off work and spending it with the kids, going to have a fun day for the holidays and a nice dinner with my family. I think this latest retreat means I won’t even bother sending him a message. 17 years and I never saw this coming. I do wish most days whatever alien has abducted my H that they would return him.