It’s like he is drowning in a pot of bubbling stuff of all his emotions and thoughts and negativity. I have been very patient and keep trying to pull him up out of that pot but he keeps resisting. So I’ve finally let go and it’s up to him now to sink or swim.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I can see H come out of his hole then when it gets a bit much retreat. I think seeing this happen more and more makes it easier to detach. I can’t keep trying to pull him out of his hole if he doesn’t want me to.
Yep, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Letting go is one of the hard lessons we learn. And the more one tries to help one’s spouse move along, the more their spouse pushes away. You are correct that you cannot pull him through this. And he actually will resist your efforts; even to the detriment of himself.
H’s path will take as long as it takes. He needs to traverse it at his speed. You’ve seen how pressure - upcoming wedding anniversary - affects him. H retreated back into his safe world and hid away.
Folks in emotional turmoil, in crisis, do replay their emotional torment over and over. They will behave like from that long ago time of suffered trauma from an authority figure in their young lives. H is like a teenager brooding in his room. Unkept clothing and hair and room. Forgetful. Brushing teeth is even overlooked/disregarded. And as a teen, he has a need, a feeling, to rebel. H is replaying his past, in effort to grow up from “when” he was emotionally stunted.
Confusion is one of the hallmarks of a crisis. A MLCer is confused. They live in two (or more) worlds and times. These multiple viewpoints usually conflict. They are both, teen and older with spouse, kids, car, mortgage, responsibilities, pressures, and so on. Such an overlay of lives.
Their’s is an emotional journey. For the times they are embroiled within their torment, they are emotionally dragged back. They in essence time travel. Such simultaneous and conflicting lives and world views is completely boggling. The MLCer is slowly consumed into their confusion.
These uncovered half-remembered memories stir unwanted feelings and inflict unrealized pains and torments. Things buried alive will come back to haunt later. In this case, mid life triggers dig up unknown unrealized unreconciled past emotional trauma(s); and those demons will no longer remain stifled.
The MLCer runs from their pain, and their wildly unrecognizable feelings. All manner of new behaviours emerge as the MLCer runs from their consuming past. They become the opposite of who they once were.
Depression is ever present and another hallmark of a crisis. The MLCer is emotionally immature and unable to healthily deal with their emotions. And they run! Lots go overboard on the vices of life, looking to re-do all they feel they missed out on; purposefully running from their responsibilities. Diving into, often excessively - spending, drinking, fast cars, drugs, etc. Others shrink away from the world and their responsibilities; hiding and being almost reclusive. Their path is as individual as themselves, yet there are common traits and a similarity in the type of MLCer and their energies level. (My XW is a high energy vanisher for example.)
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
The more I read about this midlife transition the more it seems like him. It’s sad but nothing I can do anymore I am smiling again and enjoying my life.
The best you can do is let go and give him to God. (or fate, or the universe, or whatever your beliefs be)
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I am contemplating seeking my legal options too for when (and if) we end up heading down the divorce path. He still hasn’t mentioned it or anything. Seems to thing we would co exist as friends etc.
Obtaining legal information on the process, your rights, what you can waive, what you cannot, and so on, is wise. You need not act upon anything, you are just gaining knowledge and preparing is all.
Leave H to his journey. He is not openly pushing any agenda. Continue to stand and keep moving forward. Let him run to catch up to you. Live and love your life. Be the lighthouse.
You are so the main character in your life’s story. Write well. Write with purpose. As each page is lived, that bright positive future becomes the present reality.
Have a great day Patt.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
