W just said she wants to tell our son tomorrow. This pisses me off to no end, as it's 4th of July weekend, his birthday next Thursday, and surgery the following week. Just another example of how insensitive and selfish she really is. I told her this is like the worst time to tell him, but she said "maybe, but we need to get this done asap."
Originally Posted by DnJ
I understand how the timing of her wanting to inform son is upsetting to you. You cannot control when or what W would blurt out to son or others. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Being livid is understandable to such a trigger from W. And it is fleeting, unless you reinforce it. You can control your thoughts/reactions regarding her insensitivity, and in such influence your emotional state. When/if W has this conversation, would son be better served by Dad being PO’d or calm? And which state would serve you better?
I do get it when one’s spouse is hellbent on their plan. Anyone who stands in their way will get mowed down. That is a likely scenario for son and his feelings. You, his Dad, will be his rock in all this. Be open and honest, and of course age appropriate with him.
Do not demonize his Mom. Realize, son knows he is half of her, half of his genes come from her. He will already question his own character because of the genes he carries. Any attacks on his Mom will be felt and internalized by him. (My kids saw their Mom and her behaviour, and had plenty of questions.) Ensure you encourage and reinforce that choice and decisions are not genetic, he controls himself. His fate is up to him.
Yes, that’s a lot of life lessons for such a young lad. And those lessons will not occur during the conversation, rather over the next weeks, months, and years. The bond and relationship you and he will foster through such will become stronger than ever. Though, he will lash out to you as well, since you are the strong stable parent in his life.
You do have a pre-warning, a heads up from W. You cannot control or know what she will say. You do control you and what you will say. So, what do you want to impart? Not specifically, more a general idea as the conversation evolves.
I’d suggest remaining factual, and not blaming W. And most importantly letting son know this is not about him in any way shape or form. Kids are egocentric and will take on the blame of stuff, even when they aren’t at fault. Working through that particular, and normal, response of son will require some open discussions at his pace over time.
Like before, let W do the heavy lifting, you more respond without necessarily helping nor blocking. At times that path feels like a razors edge. However, it turns out that path is quite solid and firm, and much wider than one first sees.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
