I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Hi everyone

It’s been a month or so since I posted an update but have been sitting back and reading alot of the forums and advice. Not a whole lot has changed on my end. H was still involved and coming and going a lot with the kids, almost playing happy families even started opening up a little more about his emotions, wanting to watch a movie, go for a walk etc. I thought maybe we were making progress but of course no, he retreats back into the cave the moment the wedding anniversary approaches and decides he needs space again, I’m smothering him, I still don’t love you you broke my heart, I can’t see myself coming back home and getting in bed with you… blah blah all the normal attacking things where I am to “blame” for all his issues. I stood up for myself this time at least and voiced my piece but I did it in a letter where I wouldn’t get attacked. I basically told him some home truths and how he hasn’t been the easiest person to love but I dig deep. I even told him I too don’t want to be married to the man he has become the last two years and he too has been a difficult person to love (it’s like the world came out of covid lockdowns and left him behind. All he wants to do is work, do errands for the kids, play video games and drink all in his same sweatpants. He has developed so much social anxiety, refuses to dress nicely and I recently found out he even forgets to brush his teeth which he has NEVER been like that and always took so much pride in his appearance.)

He really is a broken mess and the more I think it’s some sort of midlife transition where everyone else is to blame but himself. Me? I am fine. Sure I still have a teary privately from time to time but his latest retreat back into his cave hasn’t seemed to affect me as much as in the past. I knew he wasn’t fixed and honestly believed no words or actions that he was getting better especially when he hadn’t want to help himself and continued on his path of self sabotage and self medicating with alcohol.

I’m doing good most days keeping focused on me and the kids, work is good and busy and getting out to more social events now which is great. The “fake it until you make it” is starting to pay off. I am keeping my space from H too now. He can go and deal with his own mess and situation on his own I want no part in this version of him. It’s like he is drowning in a pot of bubbling stuff of all his emotions and thoughts and negativity. I have been very patient and keep trying to pull him up out of that pot but he keeps resisting. So I’ve finally let go and it’s up to him now to sink or swim.

Happy anniversary to me next week hahah. I’ve planned a fun day with the kids and dinner with friends. I do feel sorry for H, seeing a man you loved for so long and grown up with, on a self destructive path with no desire to receive help. He’s still angry at life, agitated etc, but at least now there is distance between us I am no longer in the firing line. If this is a MLC all I can say is wow what a journey.

I do still deeply love him (how can I not for so many years) but now at least I don’t mind which way this goes. Like I told him I certainly don’t want him like this as my husband. Where we are in the same boat. I’ve done a lot of growth this last 4 months living seperate. Has it been easy? Heck no, so many tears emotions and my very big broken heart. However my future looks bright I am such a positive person in life (the polar opposite of H right now). I finally realise this is my life story and I am the main character. 😄