As the MLCer slowly exits the running/replay stage and enters into depression, they can be drawn back and forth for a while. There are three stages post replay as the MLCer progresses towards acceptance - Depression, Withdrawal, and Acceptance.
Like all stages along the journey of a MLCer or LBS, stages are nebulous with no sharply defined delineation. Stages are not strictly linear, and a person can, and usually is, within more than one stage at a time since different facets of their journey are at different points of progress.
An LBS can be in depression of certain facets while angry of others and bargaining over others. However, one will experience an internal shift as the bulk of their feelings and processing has moved into the next stage.
This is likewise for an MLCer’s progress. They do spend a great deal of time consumed within replay, and moving into depression (and into withdrawal) is a huge step. They must come face to face with not only their pain that promoted their crisis, yet also the damages done.
Here is a link to some info of the MLC stages. The original poster of this particular laying out the stages included timelines with the stages, which in later writtimgs she removed as the estimates were not accurate. An MLCer will take as long as they need for each and every stage of their journey. No one can speed it up for them. At best an LBS’ efforts would be neutral, although the usual outcome is delaying the MLCer’s progress, or even stalling it.
Since his first visit to the baby he has with EX-OW, G has been drawn back into his own world for a while, this at least in terms of thoughts/feelings. I clearly saw that he needed to process what was going on in his life and just continued to treat him as a friend.
G has to come face to face with much. There will be back and forth as he progresses forward.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
G also bought a dog. He says this is because this way he can take care of someone again, and also has a reason now to get out of bed in the morning. The dog is really fantastic, she is sweet, affectionate and already incredibly hefty for her age. I can also really see that it gives G pleasure to have her in his life.
This is a good sign on many levels. G realizes he needed, and crafted, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (depression). G willingly and purposefully took on responsibility of the dog. G is reaching out with his feelings, showing love and compassion. First for a dog which was never hurt by him, then on to the folks whom he did hurt. Realize, G wants to fix this mess, he just doesn’t how yet. Be very very patient during all this.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Last week, G went back abroad to visit his baby. He hesitantly, yet honestly told me this in advance. Since he went for a few days now, I was honest with him about my feelings as it didn't feel good when he told me about it. He then asked to talk about it and so we did. It was a relieve to finally be able to talk after all these weeks. We both were ready for it.
Stay patient. Thank him for being honest. G is working to get a handle on his own emotions and still cannot well handle other’s feelings just yet. Unfortunately you do have to do the lion’s share of the work here, leading by example. There is coming a time when those answers you seek can be sought, and those discussions you want to have can occur.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He will also tell the children about the existence of the baby in a few weeks, after our holiday and told me that this will be the most difficult thing he has ever done in his life. He is terrified to lose them again.
He also said he doesn't want a relationship anymore because he's terrified that he will hurt someone again. He doesn't trust himself today.
Again, positive progress for G.
Yes, he would be terrified of the reaction of the kids. This is an obstacle he needs to overcome. He needs to find his inner strength and conviction to face this, take whatever backlash, then work to make amends.
I believe G is realizing the scope of the damage he inflicted. And the near monumental task of rebuilding and repairing. He needs to own this. To hit rock bottom and truly change - for himself. To change because he wants to.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He then told me calm and sereen that he went purely to see his child, that he has decided to try to build a certain bond with him, that our children are a priority now, but that this child also deserves his love which, of course, I can only encourage.
Bless you Eagle. Yes, this innocent soul deserves their father in their life.
It will take some work and effort, however love does not exhaust. The more one gives, the more it grows and replenishes. S18, S15, and S15 can hold Dad in their hearts and receive his love, while G is in the other child’s life too.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He did say he loves me very much, even more than he used to and that he really wants me in his life, but that he can't give me what I want, and that I truly deserve somebody who is "normal" and threats me the way I should properly be threated. He simply said that he can't be physical with somebody anymore. (very the opposite of what it was up to two months ago) He has lost complete interest on this particular side.
G is depressed. He feels like a failure. Nothing turned out like he imagined it would. This is the normal forward progress for the lucky few MLCers. Lots of crisis folks never find their exit of replay, and simply deny and run from their ceaseless torment.
Remember, his journey is still emotionally driven. Feelings are fleeting, are temporary, although they feel permanent. G’s prognosticating of his future is based upon how he currently feels. He will progress through this, in time. He will feel differently, in time.
Originally Posted by job
Above all else, whatever changes you have made, they must stay in place for this is a new relationship now.
Absolutely!
It is clear there is a relationship growing between G and you. Be that growing into friends, or evolving into more, it is critical that you are you. The improvements made, the newer version of Eagle, you did for you. And she, the newer you, shines.
Think lighthouse. G sees and is attracted. Keep living and let him catch up.
Have a wonderful vacation Eagle.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
