That sounds so tough to have overheard all of that. You must be fuming!
I’m sorry you’re being treated so badly and blamed for everything Sunflyer.
And please don’t apologise for venting at the board - that’s what it is here for.
The first thing you need to do, is not respond or do ANYTHING for 48 hours.
But do acknowledge the physiological and emotional things you are feeling. Increased heart rate, sweaty palms, increased respiration rate, over stimulated, angry and disgusted. Acknowledge those things, let them flow over you. But whatever you do, don’t let those primitive responses control how you act/behave. It’s going to take minimum 48 hours for some emotional water to flow under the bridge, so you need to make sure that happens first so that measured, controlled, objective, calm Sunflyer is making the decisions.
The next part may sound like I’m having a go at you, but I’m not … hear me out.
The problem here … is your expectations.
You’re expecting her to act in an honest, respectful, accountable and reasonable way. But she won’t. Walkaway spouses/wayward spouses never do. To expect them to do so is, well, a fool’s errand.
Imagine you walk down the street. You find 100 men or women who are currently forcing divorce on their shell-shocked, unagreeable spouse. Perhaps they’re having an affair, a mid-life crisis, have found toxic new friends or their unresolved mental health issues are rearing up.
Then you ask all 100 of those bomb-dropping walkaways/waywards whose fault the divorce is. How many do you think would say it’s their own fault? One? Perhaps two out of a hundred?
Those other 98 people - are going to squarely place the blame exclusively at their ex’s feet. Human nature is that we don’t want to take responsibility for our own decisions or unhappiness. It’s in society all around us. It’s the follow on effect of the last thirty years where everyone had to get a participation certificate instead of being told “you didn’t win.”
So here we are, in a society where people who initiate a separation or divorce don’t have the guts to say “I’m a cheat” or “I got bored” or “I consciously choose to renege on my vows.”
What you’re expecting of her Sunflyer - it’s NEVER going to happen. Let me give you a few more examples with how this plays out in modern society:
1. Gets speeding ticket - “Wasn’t fair, cop was waiting at the bottom of a hill” rather than “I chose to speed.”
2. Hits car in front - “The road was wet and these tyres are crap” rather than “I was tailgating too close.”
3. Loses employment - “They bullied me” rather than “I was lazy at work and kept arriving late despite several warnings.”
4. Working in crappy job - “I couldn’t afford a college education” rather than “I chose to party and booze my money away rather than go to college.”
This is our society, and it’s not going to change. If you expect good things from people, you’re always going to be disappointed. If you expect her to project, blame, lie and play victim - well life’s going to be a whole lot easier. And let’s face it, if she actually owned her part in all this, you probably wouldn’t be at this website, would you?
Here’s my story:
My ex-wife was allergic to employment. Every time she started a new job, she had to leave because “they were being cruel to her” or because she faked panic attacks. She told me I was working too much and didn’t help her enough at home, but when I cut my hours back, she blamed me because she had to cut her clothing spending back 😳 She “had to” text her ex boyfriend because it was my fault that she felt lonely when I had to go away with my job. But when I worked interstate, I wasn’t allowed to socialise with any female colleagues (controlling much?). She also told her friends I was a s*** husband because I did so much of the housework it made her feel lazy 🙄 It was my fault that lawyer fees cost her a fortune, even though she filed and refused mediation. It was my fault she had an affair with one of the Dad’s on my kid’s soccer team. It was also my fault when he dumped her after getting in her pants for a few months, because our divorce was stressful and so she wasn’t nice to be around. I lost my job for 18 months during COVID, so she forced sale of the family home to get her hands on the money. But then it was my fault she had to move into a rental. It was also my fault when she got kicked out of her rental for trashing it and not paying her rent (even though she had hundreds of thousands of dollars of mine from the settlement).
Do you see my point?
WAS/WS will nearly always play victim so they don’t have to face themselves or their friends and family over what they’ve done.
I guarantee you no matter what you say, do, exhibit or prove, she will absolutely play that narrative for years to come, if not her entire life.
Any attempt by you to hold her accountable and clear your own name will make her accuse you of being manipulative or controlling.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change her narrative. The best thing for you to do is to let it go, and make your all your decisions based on what you know is the right thing to do - not on how she might frame things to others or how you imagine people may perceive you.
It’s probably the hardest part of being a LBS. But trust me, one day you just won’t care.
