Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (14)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946077

I'm not sure if this is the right section of the forum for this, so if a moderator wants to move it, feel free.

Watching my marriage crumble around me has been a learning experience. Although it is not I who wants to end it, I realize that even if it were to be restored, it would have to be completely different from what it was before. And if a new relationship should replace it, that would have to be very different from this one too.

I decided to write out what I have learned from my experiences, as well as what I would want a new relationship to look like. In the process, I not only acknowledged my faults, but also extolled my own good qualities. I found that indulging in self-promotion is very empowering and is helping me realize that I am not to blame for everything. It makes me realize I have many good qualities and those should be shared with the right person (which may end up being my spouse or maybe not).

If you read this, I am sure you will recognize some elements of Michele's writings and those of you that have contributed to my threads will probably see elements of the advice you have given. It's rather long, so I will break it into two parts below. Maybe it will help someone. And if it doesn't, it still gave me benefit to crystallize my thoughts.

Part I:

I have thought about what my marriage has taught me. It has taught me about mistakes I have made. It has also taught me that there are things I will and will not accept in a relationship going forward. Here are the things I have learned:

1. There is no substitute for constant affirmation of someone’s importance. Women especially require that they be told frequently how beautiful, special, and desirable they are. I will do that much more in a future relationship.

2. Some small time for togetherness must be scheduled each week. It doesn’t have to be a dinner date; it can be a walk in the park or watching the sun set. The many commitments that press on our time must yield somewhere. In my life, my relationship will come first, and I expect my woman to view it the same way. Any money- or profit-making ventures are secondary. Of course, I will support anything she wants to do, but time for us has to be there each week. It was a mistake not to schedule this in the past. Any future relationship I find myself in must make time for this each week. I am worth it.

3. Physical intimacy is important to me. That does not just mean sex. It means touching, holding, caressing. And trying to fit in sex on vacations, etc., doesn’t always work when there are lots of other things planned, or when kids are involved. Any future relationship I find myself in must make periodic time for overnights or weekends devoted to nothing but physical intimacy. No visiting tourist sites, no planning anything except for meals. When no meal is scheduled, we are in the bed, no clothes on, doing something that makes us feel good and close. Touching, talking dirty, [censored], sleeping in each other’s arms, whatever. This has to take place at least a few times a year. Not negotiable, and I am worth it.

Part II:

4. Related to #3, I have learned that I am good in bed. I know this not because my ego is large, but because my lover told me so. I have learned that telling someone you want to go to bed with them purely for lustful reasons is fine, even if you are married to them. Someone who recognizes the joy of sex doesn’t object to being told this; they welcome it. I am also a considerate lover who puts high importance on making sure that the woman I am with receives any pleasure she wants. Her pleasure is just as important as mine. I regularly ask my lover what I can do for her, and if she wants me to [use your imagination] all she has to do is say so, and I will. As far as I am concerned, I exist to make both of us feel good. I am good at sex and willing to become better. I am worthy of a lover who wants this. I am worthy of a lover, period.

5. I will only bear my portion of the responsibility for mistakes made in a relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart. If my partner feels unhappy with her life, or doesn’t know what she wants from life, and that is affecting the relationship, that is not my problem, and I will not bear any guilt for it. Why? Happiness and unhappiness do not come from, and are not caused by, external things or other people. They come from within. We choose happiness or unhappiness. If someone else (including my lover) chooses to be unhappy, I can’t control that. I can control my own happiness only, and I am absolutely worthy of happiness.

6. I no longer believe love is an emotion; it is a choice. Some people believe that love goes away as people change over time. The only way it “goes away” is when we stop doing loving things. If we have stopped, but then start doing loving things again (the things we used to do that brought us together), love will return. Someone said marriage is falling in love with the same person over and over again. There is truth in that. We can choose love like we choose happiness. If my partner decides that she doesn’t want to do loving things with me anymore, then I am worthy of someone else, who will.

7. I am an intellectual, introverted guy who walks the straight and narrow (mostly lol). I don’t drink, smoke, abuse drugs, or indulge in similar behaviors that might abuse my body. I work hard and provide well for myself and my other financial responsibilities. These are not liabilities or the characteristics of a “boring, uninteresting guy”; they are virtues. And a woman who values me will not think that I am unworthy of knowing because of them.

8. I am a “catch.” I am a prize for someone, the right someone. I should stop myself when I am tempted to think otherwise.