Almost 8 weeks later, so a quick update on how things are today and what has happened over the past few weeks.
Since his first visit to the baby he has with EX-OW, G has been drawn back into his own world for a while, this at least in terms of thoughts/feelings. I clearly saw that he needed to process what was going on in his life and just continued to treat him as a friend. We did text pretty much daily, and every weekend he still came to visit as usual or we went for dinner, etc.
Meanwhile, G also bought a dog. He says this is because this way he can take care of someone again, and also has a reason now to get out of bed in the morning. The dog is really fantastic, she is sweet, affectionate and already incredibly hefty for her age. I can also really see that it gives G pleasure to have her in his life.
He is still on the same course. Quiet, friendly, helpful, this both towards the children and myself as it has been for several months now. Only his drinking behaviour is a bit more than it was again. In his mind, he wants to avoid drinking during the week, only the weekend but he recently told me honestly that he finds it difficult again to leave the booze in the evening during the week, this with the nice weather and the urge then being too strong not to have a drink anyway.
Last week, G went back abroad to visit his baby. He hesitantly, yet honestly told me this in advance. Since he went for a few days now, I was honest with him about my feelings as it didn't feel good when he told me about it. He then asked to talk about it and so we did. It was a relieve to finally be able to talk after all these weeks. We both were ready for it.
I asked him if he went purely for the little one or also for her. That the reason why I asked is the fact that I still have feelings towards him, this of course because we have spent again a lot of time together these past months and even were very close for weeks in a row. That I can do this today because we are both not in a relationship, but also because it just feels right. He could only agree with me on those facts.
He then told me calm and sereen that he went purely to see his child, that he has decided to try to build a certain bond with him, that our children are a priority now, but that this child also deserves his love which, of course, I can only encourage. He also said that he has come to realize even more how much he has hurt everyone around him and that he is terrified to do this again. That he will never put himself first again, but that he now puts all of us, the people who love him deeply, in first position now and that he will be there for us.
He will also tell the children about the existence of the baby in a few weeks, after our holiday and told me that this will be the most difficult thing he has ever done in his life. He is terrified to lose them again.
He also said he doesn't want a relationship anymore because he's terrified that he will hurt someone again. He doesn't trust himself today.
He did say he loves me very much, even more than he used to and that he really wants me in his life, but that he can't give me what I want, and that I truly deserve somebody who is "normal" and threats me the way I should properly be threated. He simply said that he can't be physical with somebody anymore. (very the opposite of what it was up to two months ago) He has lost complete interest on this particular side. He asked me if we simply could continue the way we are currently doing, and this being there for each other as friends and meet each other on a weekly basis as this means a lot to him. I told him that for me the physical part is something I really miss as I didn't want to lie to him. He said that this was of course very normal as I am in the most beautiful part of my life and that I should seek what I need and that I should not wait for him in that matter.
I simply want to share all of this here as this is quite confusing now. I'm healed enough to go forward with my life but I also still love him deeply. Giving me a lot of stuff to think about now...
Next saturday i'm leaving for a holiday to Greece with the children. I go 10 days, G 10 days, and the children 14 days, meaning I will be alone with them for a few days, then G comes over, we spent a few days all together and the he will be alone with them for a few days. We have decided this a few months ago and children thought it was a great idea. Looking forward to that as well.
If anybody could give me some advice if there is a meaning for all the above, feel free to share!
Is this the phase you've been speaking about being extreme confusing, just as the MLC was?
