W asked me out for a recreational evening. I had time available so I accepted and we met out in nature. Partway into our activities, W said,”Hey it’s been a long time of limbo now, I think it’s time we start telling people we are separated.” I replied, “I’m good with the number of people I have told, but if you need to tell someone, you can do that.” I asked if there was anything she needed clarity on with the sense of limbo. She said I just need to be able to tell people, like so when people ask me about you, I can say, “We’re separated. Ask him.” I said, “ok”
She let me know that she has ghosted some of her closest long time friends who have been reaching out to her because she hadn’t been wanting to talk about us. I said I can see how that could be difficult. She went on to say that she hasn’t wanted to trigger an “intervention” from others. I said that I didn’t think I would enjoy an intervention either. She went on to say that if people haven’t cared to reach out to her by now, then it says a lot. I didn’t really know how to respond to that.
She brought up some names of our friends and asked me if they know. “I said I don’t know if they do, it hasn’t come up. I assume there are some people who know that I haven’t told. It’s a small world.”
She also brought up the disconnection between her and eldest son and talked about how she is being punished. I said, “you’re angry.” She said “yes he should just get over it.” I said, “ I hope you both will be able to share your feelings with each other when you’re ready.” She told me, “You need to tell him that you weren’t a good husband.” I told her that he and I are having honest conversations and I acknowledged to her that I have reflected on ways that I failed as her husband and there are many things I wish I would have done differently and learned earlier on. She said she wanted to hear me say that I just didn’t love her. I told her I couldn’t tell her that because I did genuinely love her in our marriage and that I wished I had learned how to build and strengthen a healthy marriage early on.
At that point, she started to own up to some of the ways she contributed to a poor marriage and didn’t show me respect. I listened. She told me that she is still trying to get IC. She went on to tell me a lot about the hopes and dreams and disappointments that she had had for our marriage and for herself.
So yeah, talks and engagement. I don’t know if I am happy I agreed to go out with her or not but it happened. It certainly was uncomfortable. There was no discussion of her affair, or the anniversary or really anything concrete or clear about the future.
