I'm Back! (3)

[DnJ]

Good Morning T

So here may be the dumbest question I've ever asked. lol. I should get her revised custody agreement in the next few days. I'm no lawyer, but I'm also not an idiot. If everything looks legit and fair, can/should I sign it without paying a retainer fee for a lawyer to look at it? I had a consult with one L and spoke to another, but having retained one yet. I mean, if neither of us are going for any support, and we're able to agree on custody and assets/debts, do I absolutely need a L? W already said that if her L needs to be involved in anything else she'd have to pay another $2600 to him, which she'd rather avoid.

I’m not an idiot either, yet I still don’t know what I don’t know. A lawyer does this legal stuff for a living, and knows much more of the inner workings of such agreements. My separation/divorce, I was flabbergasted at how much paperwork to various agencies had to submitted, as well as how many facets of our legal relationship was addressed. Things I’d have never thought of; especially while going through it. Things that I would’ve only discovered after it was too late.

In my opinion, should you use a lawyer? Yes. Absolutely.

$2600 is a tiny price to pay. Consider the ramifications of what you would be signing. Having an expert looking it over and giving input is valuable peace of mind as well as upholding your rights in all this.

Too bad W has to pay another chunk of cash. Her fantasy likely had separating with such little effort. T, don’t worry about that; walk your path as you need to.

D

[Kind18]

OMFG, don’t do anything without a lawyer’s say-so.

She’s complaining about $2600 - that’s her problem, not yours.

Also, it appears she is in a bit of a rush and offering a fair deal on finance.

What happens if you sign it but there’s holes? In six months, she breaks up with OM, and decides she wants to gold-dig every last cent from you.

Not only will a lawyer check if
a) it’s a reasonable deal
b) it’s legit and legal,

But most importantly:
c) they’ll make sure it protects you into the future by making it water-tight and ensuring everything that has to be done is done.

You’ll sleep better at night knowing she can’t change her mind next time the wind changes. Even simple stuff, like clauses limiting any further scope. Imagine if you unexpectedly inherited a bunch of family money a few weeks after it’s all signed - you want to make sure she can’t touch you.

[Ready2Change]

R2C, I'm not sure what you mean with your first question ('exercise')?

Post the best two/three responses you can come up with. We can critique. Good practice for future interactions.

[Terapin]

R2C, I'm not sure what you mean with your first question ('exercise')?

Post the best two/three responses you can come up with. We can critique. Good practice for future interactions.

'My plan was to live as husband and wife, the same as it's always been'

'I agree that we may have lived like roommates at times, but we are in fact husband and wife, with a child'.

'I understand we may have lived like roommates at times. That's something I think/hope we could change'.

'Just pack you **** at get the hell out'.

I don't know. lol

[Terapin]

D and Kind, thanks. I absolutely wouldn't sign anything without a lawyer's approval. I know we both agreed to keep L's out of this as much as possible to keep costs down, but that's probably not entirely possible.

But I just don't want to have a L say 'ya this is good, the assets/debts are fair, everything is equal. Cut me my check'.

[Ready2Change]

She said 'so your idea is to live as roommates for the next 5-10 years?'

H:"I don't believe either one of us would be happy living like that."


Again, having these type of discussion is never good. You can't talk your way out of this. Emotional validation needs to be part of your new responses. I am sure there are better ways than the way I stated it. It is about how she feels. She is unhappy. Validate that. You were also unhappy about the state of the relationship.

She looks at you like a roommate. There is no attraction. This can change if you change the way you interact with her. You can build sexual tension with her. Really hard at this point in the process. It will be 1000 little things that you do. You are emotionally involved in this, which makes it hard to behave the proper way. Just one example of building sexual tension: Having fun interacting with her while she is angry...A twinkle in your eye.

You could go down this path:
H" You are right, living as roommates is the last thing I want."
You are agreeing with her.

Tone, inflection facial expressions and body language are all important as well while keeping any hint of anger away from your behavior during the interaction.


Other topics will come up. Always perfectly fine to defer:

"I am not sure"
"I have not thought about that"
"I have not decided yet"
"I do not have time to discuss this now"
"I am still thinking"


Listening:

"I understand you feel that way"
"It must be hard to feel that way"
"that must be hard to feel that way"
"I imagine...."


Another one:
"We both deserve to be happy"

You also can't be a broken record with these. But if you understand the idea, much easier to come up with the right response in the moment.


Got to the gym and channel your anger into getting ripped. Yell and curse in your car in a safe location. We all have repressed emotions that need to come out. Best to do that before interacting with W. Forgiving her is powerful for your own personal growth during this.

[Terapin]

W told me last night that she now has picked up two clients for a different company. It's only a few hours a week, but $90 an hour plus mileage and travel time.

R2C, yep, could be a case of hypergamy. It still makes me mad though. We started with absolutely nothing, helped each other through college, etc. I always made significantly more than her, and she always spent significantly more money than me. Now that she's making more than me, and we could have literally no financial worries, she wants out. lol.

However, this brings into question the issue of child and spousal support again. I meet with a different lawyer next Tuesday, who comes highly recommended.

[Ready2Change]

we could have literally no financial worries, she wants out.

This is the crazy part. My X and I most likely would be retired now. I was to the point where I was going to focus on managing the money that we paid to the lawyers.

However, this brings into question the issue of child and spousal support again. I meet with a different lawyer next Tuesday, who comes highly recommended.

Time with the kids is more important than the money (IMHO). If I was in your shoes, I would negotiate more time with the kids and she can have a "better" slice of the child support. THIS WILL GO AGAINST EVERYTHING the system is setup for. People will think you are crazy, but time with the kids is priceless...(The next 7 years will fly by)....you can always make more money. Make sure you review the clauses about any significant change in either of your incomes.

[Terapin]

we could have literally no financial worries, she wants out.

This is the crazy part. My X and I most likely would be retired now. I was to the point where I was going to focus on managing the money that we paid to the lawyers.

However, this brings into question the issue of child and spousal support again. I meet with a different lawyer next Tuesday, who comes highly recommended.

Time with the kids is more important than the money (IMHO). If I was in your shoes, I would negotiate more time with the kids and she can have a "better" slice of the child support. THIS WILL GO AGAINST EVERYTHING the system is setup for. People will think you are crazy, but time with the kids is priceless...(The next 7 years will fly by)....you can always make more money. Make sure you review the clauses about any significant change in either of your incomes.

Yeah, that's something that's hard for me to come to terms with. Like, for years we've struggled financially, plus with our son growing up, we didn't have a lot of opportunity for trips, vacations, dinners, etc. It's like, we've stuck together through the 'hard part', and now she wants out just as things have drastically improved. lol.

So I'm going to ask the L this on Tuesday, but say we get the 50/50 custody signed by the judge. But then a few weeks down the road, we argue about assets, or I decide to file for CS or SS. Could she get pissed and try to change the custody agreement?

I went out for a bit last night to watch a buddy play acoustic at a bar. I got up and played a few songs. It was fun, but honestly a bit depressing being 'out' on my own.

[Sunflyer]

Yeah, that's something that's hard for me to come to terms with. Like, for years we've struggled financially, plus with our son growing up, we didn't have a lot of opportunity for trips, vacations, dinners, etc. It's like, we've stuck together through the 'hard part', and now she wants out just as things have drastically improved. lol.

I somewhat relate to this. We didn't really "struggle" financially, even when she was making substantially less than me, but I would say that's because I was managing the finances. Ironically, she works in the financial sector but has never been great with money at home. Post-D, I can totally see her needing to rely on daddy to bail her out when she regularly goes over budget and runs the credit card bill into the stratosphere. (He's done this before, and he also bailed out the side business she runs with her brother after their first two non-profitable years).

She can basically forget being able to retire now; so can I. The big difference is that I have a job I love and can continue to have a good life with including substantial time off. She currently remains chained to a job I don't think she really enjoys anymore. She was on the verge of leaving until they offered her a huge raise and some concessions. Plus her office moved to a new building that doubled her commute time. (She had an offer in hand for a job less than ten minutes away).

Making that Faustian bargain was part of what has made her less accessible to me and our boys (part of her contribution to getting us where we are, that I'm not sure she comprehends).