My Story

[Sunflyer]

Post bd I became super husband-cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Problem is, I already did my fair share, she was just rewriting history. It didn't work.

Well, I was never super husband in this regard, and I haven't tried to become that now. But there are things I've always done, and I continue to do them. Load/unload dishwasher, finish/bring up laundry as needed (W and older son have a habit of leaving stuff in either the washer or dryer after it is finished), clean kitchen floor, etc.

Personally, I have never felt the need to be super caretaker of the household for two reasons: one, we have cleaners who come in regularly and two, because W has never seemed to care about this. Our dining room (including the table) is currently loaded with supplies for her side business. People coming over to eat meant putting that stuff somewhere else. Our bedroom floor is routinely littered with her clothes and other stuff, sometimes to the point that I have to step over them. (I refuse to clean them up for her. If I can keep my stuff off the floor, she can as well). The one or two times I mentioned it, she said, "You didn't marry Suzy Homemaker." Which, of course, misses the point entirely.

Our house has been entirely renovated since we moved in 23 years ago; some parts of it have been renovated twice. The only area that still needs to be done is the basement. She led me to believe we'd start working on that this year. In the basement I have a small "man cave" which is where all my junk is piled. I know the room needs to be redone, but I would need to come up with a plan for storing all my stuff, and unlike her I care what happens to my stuff. She has hounded me about what a mess the room is. This from the person who tosses clothes all over the floor and fills the dining room with business supplies. At least my junk is somewhere that no one can see it or trip over it!

I've been on here spilling my guts to complete strangers just to help with the pain. It isn't easy and it hurts. Just know that you are doing the right things to help you no matter how wrong it feels.

Mike, I understand completely. The pain is exquisite at times. It is painful to watch someone I thought I knew for 25 years transform into a flailing, destroying entity. Of course I don't mean she is literally being violent or screaming all the time; she's usually quite calm. It's her actions that constitute this.

I've got issues of my own. I made mistakes in my marriage, and I've suffered in the past from feelings of inadequacy. But one thing I am learning from all this is that my values, the ones I brought into the marriage, are still the same. Unlike hers, they haven't changed. And the more crazy things she does, the better I look to myself all the time. I have ideas for how to make our relationship better, but she is not in a position to hear them. And if she doesn't want to hear them, then I will take those ideas and put them into a relationship with another woman in the future. And that woman will benefit, and W will have lost out.