TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

[job]

First, when he is attempting to reconnect, do not discuss therapy! Of course, he is not receptive to therapy at this time. He is nowhere near ready to hear that. He is still "out there" and will be bouncing back and forth for quite a while. Try to remember what I told you...this is the hardest part of the journey and you need to be patient and just treat him as a friend. Listen, do not offer advice and/or suggest therapy, coming home or anything else. He is still trying to figure things out.

If I were you, and I am not in your shoes, I would meet with him. Listen to what he has to say and make every effort to bite your tongue and not respond with a knee jerk reaction. When he is finished speaking, repeat back to him what you have heard and see if that is really what he said or did he mean something else. Then advise him that you will think about the conversation and will get back to him.

BTW, if he has some things of yours, make a list and ask him if he would return them to you. If he says no, let it go for now. Many of these crisis people take things that make no sense or things that belong to the spouse. It's not that they are playing games, but it's their way of staying connected once they have boarded the Mother Ship. We had one husband that took the steps to the shed and wouldn't return them to his wife until after he woke up and came back home. Another husband took the son's little desk chair and I do not think the wife got it back because they divorced. He couldn't sit in the chair because it was for a 5 year old. They just take whatever the notion hits them at the time. It's not a game...it's called holding on a thread of sanity to them. To us, they act crazy.

Again, deep deeper for patience. This is not the first time that I have seen a spouse respond the way that your h did.

I hate to say this, but your h, if he is truly reconnecting, will not be ready for any type of therapy for 18-24 months. The more you try to fix him, the longer it is going to take for him to want to come home. Just leave him be.