Rockon, I know you were fairly new to the forum when I started my journey & I've followed all your posts. I speak from no experience at all and feel blessed to have had guidance from people who have survived this trauma so please take anything I say with a pinch of salt (not sure that translates internationally).
My 21st wedding anniversary is near the end of June so I''m assuming a similar time to you? I'm not giving it a great deal of thought. I'm learning that when I focus on things like "what should have been", I can become tied to old narratives and stories which only serve to strengthen those big emotions. Don't get me wrong, this stuff isn't easy & I have to check out my intentions sometimes (did this tonight with DnJ). However, I do know it is much much easier when I let go of H. I hate that he wants someone & not me but if I stay focused on that, then the only person who suffers is me. I'm getting real joy from pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Trying new things that I wouldn't have done when with H. All this us with the intention of building my confidence. My aim is to feel comfortable in being alone. When I achieve this, then I'll know I'm ready for my next relationship.
You seem like a good man who cares a lot for his family, please try to look at what is best for you & what will help you move forward. Act as if you were never married. Look at how you can make your life richer for yourself. I remember at the start of this nightmare, I was going out, getting dressed up purely with the intention of H seeing me in the video doorbell to try & evoke a response. I now go out without giving him a second thought. It's for me. My enjoyment, my pleasure.
I have no expectations for the future but would like to end my life with a partner. This may be H but increasingly, I'm seeing that there are other possibly more favourable options.
