If it comes to it, could you afford to take over the present house payments? Would you even want to live there? There is a lot less fuss removing a person from the title and mortgage than selling and buying and moving.
If the answer is yes/yes, we typically suggest that the one that wants out of the marriage is the one that moves out of the house. You stay where things are already stable for your kids.
After I had a parenting arrangement, I was the one that moved out. Mostly because the marital house needed lots of work. I stopped working on all the improvement projects after BD and focused on DBing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Neither of us could afford the house on our own, especially after buying the other out. I wouldn't want to stay here regardless.
All W said regarding my direct deposit move is 'it's ok, i'll take some from my next check too'.
I had an overnight work conference yesterday. Was nice to hang out with coworkers and clients at the bar last night. If/when I'm ready to date, I don't think I'll have any trouble out there.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
So I got a glimpse at the custody agreement W will be giving me. It's basically a 2-2-3. But during the school year, she will have him for 8 overnights, while I'd get 6 (in a 2 week period). In the summer, I'd have him 8 and her 6.
I know she said before she'd like an extra night in the school year so she can help with homework, etc.
This would still be considered 50/50 shared, but would the extra 4 nights a month for 9 months cause me to pay child support? Does this arrangement seem fair? Obviously I want my son as much as possible so her extra day/week [censored]. But in reality she is better with homework, projects, etc so it may be to his benefit?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Maybe becoming good with homework and projects would be a great 180 and get you equal time with son and reduce child support?
Absolutely. It's not that I didn't do that stuff. She was just better at it. But she said that was her biggest fear, that all of his stuff wouldn't get done on my nights and his grades would slip. Apparently she's too dumb to realize how much a divorce is going to impact him
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
It’s very common for a woman who believes she does everything to lose attraction/respect and want a divorce. She may find out down the road that being a single mom is difficult. Time will tell.
It’s very common for a woman who believes she does everything to lose attraction/respect and want a divorce. She may find out down the road that being a single mom is difficult. Time will tell.
I don't think it matters what you do, eventually women (and some men) will lose respect/attraction.
5 years ago, W pulled this crap, and one of her main reasons was that I didn't do enough around the house. Our MC had us do the Love Languages test or whatever, and hers was Acts of Service. I still think that's the dumbest love language and doesn't even make sense. Regardless, I started doing all kinds of stuff to lighten her load. I'd pick son up for school, help with his homework, make him dinner, sweep the floor, load or unload the dishwasher, pack his lunch, then take him to a 3 hour sports practice. That was 4 nights a week, and every night we came home she'd be on the couch halfway through a bottle of wine. But guess what? That still didn't make her any happier. Her love language probably changed 15 times since then, and she probably lost respect/attraction since I was essentially being her maid.
As many people have repeatedly said on here, the best course of action is just do what you do, and be the best you can be. For yourself. For your kids. Not for anyone else. If your best isn't good enough for your spouse, find a new one.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
5 years ago, W pulled this crap, and one of her main reasons was that I didn't do enough around the house. Our MC had us do the Love Languages test or whatever, and hers was Acts of Service. I still think that's the dumbest love language and doesn't even make sense. Regardless, I started doing all kinds of stuff to lighten her load. I'd pick son up for school, help with his homework, make him dinner, sweep the floor, load or unload the dishwasher, pack his lunch, then take him to a 3 hour sports practice.
Suddenly becoming super-husband and doing 100% of the chores is NOT good DBing.
You should have sympathised - nothing more. “That sounds tough. You must feel tired constantly.” And then STFU and get on with your life 🤷♂️
Quote
If your best isn't good enough for your spouse, find a new one.
I wouldn’t put it like that. It makes it sound like LBSs that arrive here need to find a new partner to be happy. I’d put it like this:
Why would you want to have a partner who doesn’t love or respect or value you?
While there’s some A grade losers out there that people definitely should divorce, the majority of marriage failures stem from one person becoming unhappy.
Fixing unhappiness is terribly hard. It’s time-consuming, it’s confronting… and it really needs professional help.
Introspection is far too hard for our WAS or WS. So, they take the easy option - rather than look inside, they begin to blame their spouse for their own unhappiness. That shift from respect and love to blame and resentment takes several years. By the time bomb day comes, they are immovable in the belief that their happiness lies in leaving you.
The current divorce rate being over 50% is testament to the fact that we live in a society of people who can’t take responsibility for themselves.
Crash into the car in front - “Wasn’t my fault, the car in front braked too hard.” Fail an assignment at university - “Wasn’t my fault, my teacher was terrible.” Become overweight - “It’s not my fault, I have a foot injury so I can’t exercise.” Arrive late at work - “It’s not my fault, traffic was terrible.” Go through divorce - “Wasn't my fault, he didn’t do enough of the ironing so I had to have an affair.”
We live in a society full of blamers and victims. I remember first coming here to this site and being surprised that half of marriages fail. Now that I think about how the majority of people externalise blame, I’m surprised that the divorce rate isn’t 90%!
DBing requires you to GAL, learn who you are, find what makes you tick, navigate a separation calmly - and to become a confident, happy, accountable and independent person.
That’s a journey that takes time, and it needs to be 100% completed before you even consider another relationship.
Unless you can imagine being happy to permanently stay single, and have really mastered self love, you aren’t ready.
5 years ago, W pulled this crap, and one of her main reasons was that I didn't do enough around the house. Our MC had us do the Love Languages test or whatever, and hers was Acts of Service. I still think that's the dumbest love language and doesn't even make sense. Regardless, I started doing all kinds of stuff to lighten her load. I'd pick son up for school, help with his homework, make him dinner, sweep the floor, load or unload the dishwasher, pack his lunch, then take him to a 3 hour sports practice.
Suddenly becoming super-husband and doing 100% of the chores is NOT good DBing.
You should have sympathised - nothing more. “That sounds tough. You must feel tired constantly.” And then STFU and get on with your life 🤷♂️
Quote
If your best isn't good enough for your spouse, find a new one.
I wouldn’t put it like that. It makes it sound like LBSs that arrive here need to find a new partner to be happy. I’d put it like this:
Why would you want to have a partner who doesn’t love or respect or value you?
While there’s some A grade losers out there that people definitely should divorce, the majority of marriage failures stem from one person becoming unhappy.
Fixing unhappiness is terribly hard. It’s time-consuming, it’s confronting… and it really needs professional help.
Introspection is far too hard for our WAS or WS. So, they take the easy option - rather than look inside, they begin to blame their spouse for their own unhappiness. That shift from respect and love to blame and resentment takes several years. By the time bomb day comes, they are immovable in the belief that their happiness lies in leaving you.
The current divorce rate being over 50% is testament to the fact that we live in a society of people who can’t take responsibility for themselves.
Crash into the car in front - “Wasn’t my fault, the car in front braked too hard.” Fail an assignment at university - “Wasn’t my fault, my teacher was terrible.” Become overweight - “It’s not my fault, I have a foot injury so I can’t exercise.” Arrive late at work - “It’s not my fault, traffic was terrible.” Go through divorce - “Wasn't my fault, he didn’t do enough of the ironing so I had to have an affair.”
We live in a society full of blamers and victims. I remember first coming here to this site and being surprised that half of marriages fail. Now that I think about how the majority of people externalise blame, I’m surprised that the divorce rate isn’t 90%!
DBing requires you to GAL, learn who you are, find what makes you tick, navigate a separation calmly - and to become a confident, happy, accountable and independent person.
That’s a journey that takes time, and it needs to be 100% completed before you even consider another relationship.
Unless you can imagine being happy to permanently stay single, and have really mastered self love, you aren’t ready.
Yes, what I mean is, if you're the best you can be and that isn't good enough for someone, it will likely be good enough for someone else. Trust me, I have absolutely no interest or desire to be in a serious relationship for a long time. I can't even process the thought of just 'hooking up' with someone now. But I also 100% realize that if/when I'm ready to date again, I won't have a hard time finding someone. despite my 'best' not being good enough for W, I guarantee it's better than 90% of the tools out there, and will be good enough for many women.
But you are right about society. Most people no longer have values, morals, etc. Was it Sheryl Crow that sang 'if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad'? That's society in a nutshell nowadays.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
