My Story

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning SF

It’s time to back off with W. Way off! Lots of time and space. Look up last resort technique (LRT) in DR for ideas of how to implement that. W has stated in pretty certain terms that she wants to be separated, she’s even arranged/asked for a loan from her parents for the lawyer retainer.

I know this is going to feel odd, feel counterintuitive: Any pressure or rational discussion/reasons to stick together will only push her out the door faster. She needs to feel what it’s like to be separated, and then realize that separation isn’t the answer to her unhappiness.

You cannot do that for her. You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her. She’s on her path, and on her timeline.

I fully understand that I cannot pressure her. This is the first R talk since she first mentioned splitting three weeks ago. I closed the subject down and let her come to me.

If W is after an amicable split, like her proposed usage of a mediator suggests, a separation agreement should be straightforward. You two can basically self mediate/resolve/sort things out. Or you can’t. If it’s the latter, and I mean seriously the latter (cannot/will not agree), then lawyers will be required anyhow.

As mentioned in a previous post, I found some notes in her planner where she was working through a possible scenario. Don't know if what she comes back with will be exactly this, but key points are:

Custody--joint, straight 50/50

House--she wants it, to buy me out (which will mean more $ from her parents since our house is worth in the ballpark of 500K)

Retirement--we each keep our own IRA's. She also has a 401k, and I have a small 403b from a previous job and proposes we each keep those. She would claim a portion of my pension. Theoretically I could retire in four years, but with child support for our youngest going another seven years, that ain't happening. Probably going to be in the work force until 67-70 unless my health gives out first

Inheritance--I have an inheritance from my mother (my share of the proceeds from the sale of her house when she died), and proposal is that I would keep all of it provided that the boys are named 50/50 beneficiaries

Older son's car--me to pay half the remaining loan payment or have same deducted from house buyout

Health insurance for boys--I am required to maintain; hopefully would be able to keep them on my work plan

Out of pocket medical, college, and gift expenses to be 50/50 split

Plus the usual 50/50 split of checking and savings accounts.

The lawyer I have spoken with indicates that spousal support is not on the table at the present time as we both make six figure salaries that are close. I guess she could suddenly decide to quit her job, but the combined child and spousal support she would get would still fall significantly short of what she now makes.

Really focus on you and the kids. W is firing you as husband. Do not be her backup plan, nor her support person. Let her do for herself. You cannot woo her back with flowers and such. In fact, you know where that kind of behaviour will lead you. So, you take a different path forward. Time and space. Focus on you. GAL. And maybe, she awakens. Or maybe not. Yet, either way, you will be ok.

This is not the end. Just a bump in the road.

D

No wooing or begging going on. I am trusting that you are correct about the bump in the road. It seems odd, but I felt a release when she finished talking, rather than more sadness.