My Story

[Sunflyer]

W approached me this morning to have a talk. Long talk, so I can only distill the gist of it here. May have gone into some areas that it shouldn't have, but the tone was calm and quiet the whole time, no shouting or arguing.

W: I have been thinking, and I know this is not what you want to hear, but I believe it is best if we separate.

H: I know that some of my behavior must have been very hurtful to you, and I am deeply sorry for that. But I am not sure if this is the best path to take. I think we owe it to ourselves and our boys to explore all options. I am not, of course, saying to stay together for the sake of the boys.

W: I do not think you are really engaged with the boys. They love and respect you, but sometimes I feel like a single parent. Also, I think we have changed, both of us. People are never the same after this long. I am not up for trying to make things "better." I have felt this way for a long time. I can't do it. I'm not happy. Please don't think I am blaming you for all of this. I know I have a part in it as well.

H: Did you ever think, early on, of mentioning these things when they became an issue?

W: I did, but I thought things would get better. I thought perhaps, things weren't so bad and that I could go on. Please don't think I am not going through pain over this. I am going through a lot of pain.

H: Do you think you will be happy if we separate? Or simply less unhappy than you are now?

W: I don't know. I don't really have an answer to that.

H: How do you see your personal and professional life, post-separation?

W: Well, I like what I am doing with the business. My job is stressful, but it is always stressful. What do you mean by "personal life?"

H: Another relationship? No relationship? (Kind of fishing for hints of an A here, without asking her directly if there is someone else).

W: I don't know. I haven't really thought about that at all.

H: I would like some time to process this.

She indicated that she recently told her parents, and that they have given her the money for a retainer.

She wants to go through mediation. Says that she doesn't want us to be at each other's throats. Says that we have never lived that way and that she wouldn't want the boys to see that.

Yesterday there was a combined 70th birthday party and 50th anniversary party for her mother and aunt. (They are twins and got married in a double wedding). Her parents gave no hint of knowing what was going on, but of course they knew by then.

I did get suspicious a couple of times. When we took family pictures, FIL gave me a double tap on the shoulder as if to reassure me of something. And I overheard him say toward the end that this might be one of the last times we were all together. (He could also have been referring to his mother, who is in her 90s and can barely walk at this point).