I'm Back! (3)

[Terapin]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945452&page=11

Hope I figured out how to start a new thread.

Anyway, thanks guys for the advice. It's not like I'm in a hurry to get divorced, and despite being impatient, I know it could take a few weeks to get served. But sitting here in this limbo [censored]. I'm not talking from an emotional standpoint or anything. What I mean is, once I get the papers, I can go over them with my attorney, contact realtors to put our house up for sale, really put my future plans into action. It's tough to do when I don't even know for sure what her L will draw up for custody agreement, division of debt/assets, etc.

She's texted me three times today and called once. All pertaining to our son, but stuff like 'he had fun at his practice this morning!', 'can you make sure he doesn't live his water bottle at the playground?', etc. I know I shouldn't even reply, but since it's about our kid, I just reply with one word answers; 'good', 'ok', etc.

[mrorange]

Hi Terapin
I’ve read this entire thread, and I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I’m sorry this has happened in your life. I know my whole reality has come crashing down, and sincerely wish you the best in this trying time. Honestly my hopes are beginning to dwindle regarding my own situation, but seeing how you have been so strong in the face of such adversity is encouraging. I applaud your dedication to your family, and your strength and poise in its demise. Best wishes.

[Terapin]

Hi Terapin
I’ve read this entire thread, and I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I’m sorry this has happened in your life. I know my whole reality has come crashing down, and sincerely wish you the best in this trying time. Honestly my hopes are beginning to dwindle regarding my own situation, but seeing how you have been so strong in the face of such adversity is encouraging. I applaud your dedication to your family, and your strength and poise in its demise. Best wishes.

Thanks. I wouldn't consider myself 'strong' one bit in this situation. I'm struggling at times, but I just think after a while you gotta say 'F it', and focus on yourself (and kids).

One 'trick' that's seems to help me some is, every time I start to feel sad for the sitch, the demise of 15 years, the future plans, etc, I think to myself 'this person doesn't feel the same or share the same plans. Why would I let myself be hung up on someone like that?' It at least turns my mood from sadness to anger. After a while, my anger has lead to somewhat of an acceptance/detachment.

This probably isn't the best route to go, but I think you gotta find something that works for you. Something that keeps you from dwelling on the negatives of your situation. Whether that's GAL, some kind of mind trick, etc.

[mrorange]

Hi Terapin
I’ve read this entire thread, and I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I’m sorry this has happened in your life. I know my whole reality has come crashing down, and sincerely wish you the best in this trying time. Honestly my hopes are beginning to dwindle regarding my own situation, but seeing how you have been so strong in the face of such adversity is encouraging. I applaud your dedication to your family, and your strength and poise in its demise. Best wishes.

Thanks. I wouldn't consider myself 'strong' one bit in this situation. I'm struggling at times, but I just think after a while you gotta say 'F it', and focus on yourself (and kids).

One 'trick' that's seems to help me some is, every time I start to feel sad for the sitch, the demise of 15 years, the future plans, etc, I think to myself 'this person doesn't feel the same or share the same plans. Why would I let myself be hung up on someone like that?' It at least turns my mood from sadness to anger. After a while, my anger has lead to somewhat of an acceptance/detachment.

This probably isn't the best route to go, but I think you gotta find something that works for you. Something that keeps you from dwelling on the negatives of your situation. Whether that's GAL, some kind of mind trick, etc.

Anger is more useful than despair. I feel like what I’m doing is sweeping under the rug.
I still feel like this is a bad dream I may snap out of/ wake from.
Although as time progresses. I’m beginning to lose hope.
I don’t want to live like this. I physically can’t. I’m going to get sick or something.
I will probably be the one who ends this. Oddly my W has never brought up D. She wanted separation while the A was going on, but now we are living like roommates? Who hug and kiss and say I love you. It’s weird. I’m uncomfortable with it.

My W believes that we will all live happily together. Like some kind of deranged Brady bunch.
Me. My children, her, and our significant others. I’m insulted she thinks I’d agree to that madness.

My biggest fear regarding a D isn’t losing my wife, or kids. It’s losing my desire to love them.
It’s resigning that the pain I feel seeing them is too strong. So I stop. Then I truly lose my family. Taken is the ability to love them. Taken by too many painful memories.

[Terapin]

Hi Terapin
I’ve read this entire thread, and I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I’m sorry this has happened in your life. I know my whole reality has come crashing down, and sincerely wish you the best in this trying time. Honestly my hopes are beginning to dwindle regarding my own situation, but seeing how you have been so strong in the face of such adversity is encouraging. I applaud your dedication to your family, and your strength and poise in its demise. Best wishes.

Thanks. I wouldn't consider myself 'strong' one bit in this situation. I'm struggling at times, but I just think after a while you gotta say 'F it', and focus on yourself (and kids).

One 'trick' that's seems to help me some is, every time I start to feel sad for the sitch, the demise of 15 years, the future plans, etc, I think to myself 'this person doesn't feel the same or share the same plans. Why would I let myself be hung up on someone like that?' It at least turns my mood from sadness to anger. After a while, my anger has lead to somewhat of an acceptance/detachment.

This probably isn't the best route to go, but I think you gotta find something that works for you. Something that keeps you from dwelling on the negatives of your situation. Whether that's GAL, some kind of mind trick, etc.

Anger is more useful than despair. I feel like what I’m doing is sweeping under the rug.
I still feel like this is a bad dream I may snap out of/ wake from.
Although as time progresses. I’m beginning to lose hope.
I don’t want to live like this. I physically can’t. I’m going to get sick or something.
I will probably be the one who ends this. Oddly my W has never brought up D. She wanted separation while the A was going on, but now we are living like roommates? Who hug and kiss and say I love you. It’s weird. I’m uncomfortable with it.

My W believes that we will all live happily together. Like some kind of deranged Brady bunch.
Me. My children, her, and our significant others. I’m insulted she thinks I’d agree to that madness.

My biggest fear regarding a D isn’t losing my wife, or kids. It’s losing my desire to love them.
It’s resigning that the pain I feel seeing them is too strong. So I stop. Then I truly lose my family. Taken is the ability to love them. Taken by too many painful memories.

IDK why spouses believe that when D is final, everyone can still hang out together as friends. My W is the same way. She's been making her rounds hanging out with mutual friends alone. I can only assume it's to get support and ensure they'll still be friends moving forward. Maybe it's to relieve their guilt. Maybe it's to try to make sure friends, family, and us are 'on board' with their decision. I really don't know.

My W is essentially giving up a loving, faithful husband, half the time with her son, a quarter million dollar home, future safety and security, family, friends, etc, etc, all to see what's behind 'door #3'. And worse, she's made this decision all on her own. Never once talked to me about what she was thinking. That's what hurts the most I think, but that's what also turns my thoughts from sadness to anger to 'whatever'.

[mrorange]

My W is essentially giving up a loving, faithful husband, half the time with her son, a quarter million dollar home, future safety and security, family, friends, etc, etc, all to see what's behind 'door #3'. And worse, she's made this decision all on her own. Never once talked to me about what she was thinking. That's what hurts the most I think, but that's what also turns my thoughts from sadness to anger to 'whatever'.

Same here. F Door #3
Statistical analysis suggests there is a big pile of steaming crap behind that door too.
Most likely your life will improve while hers will not.

I want to retain my composure though.
I recently had taken some lessons to GAL. I wound up telling the tutor what I was going through because I just couldn’t concentrate on the lesson.
He told me a story about a friend of his whose wife left him for another man.
His friend was devastated, but shortly after the D. The other man was stricken with cancer. Which financially ruined them before he died. He laughed about it. Really had a good laugh Saying something like karma is a B.

I don’t want my head/ heart to ever get to a place like that. I also don’t want to be “Friends”
It’s going to be a fine line to walk for me.

[Sunflyer]

My W is essentially giving up a loving, faithful husband, half the time with her son, a quarter million dollar home, future safety and security, family, friends, etc, etc, all to see what's behind 'door #3'. And worse, she's made this decision all on her own. Never once talked to me about what she was thinking. That's what hurts the most I think, but that's what also turns my thoughts from sadness to anger to 'whatever'.

Hey Terapin:

I am sorry, and I feel for you. I am going though a very similar situation. I see your W had some kind of EA in the past. I haven't confirmed anything like that yet, but honestly the paragraph above reads almost like you read my mind. The only difference between the assessment of your situation and mine is my W doesn't plan on giving up the home, whose value is on the order of half a million dollars. Her plan is to "buy me out" (which actually means asking her parents to buy me out, since unless she has a buried treasure somewhere, she can afford no such thing).

She went from saying "I don't know what I want" to "I want out" in one conversation. She said I am a hard worker, good provider, good person, etc., but she feels neglected.

We've invested 23 years in the M and almost 26 in the R. Her summary is that we "didn't have a bad marriage." Our marriage included countless family gatherings, both with us alone and her family, vacations near and far, the births of two beautiful sons, lots of good sex, and on and on. And after all this, she says, "Eh, it wasn't bad."

I certainly played my part in this. I got wrapped up in other things. So did she, for that matter. My position is that this can be turned around, with counseling, frank discussions, and reorganized priorities. She doesn't have any interest in this. She is full speed ahead to door #3.

[Terapin]

I've come to the conclusion that while I made many mistakes during our M, honestly, I think it didn't matter. The result would have probably been the same even if I was a perfect person. Why do I say this? Because being together for 20 years, I've played it every possible way at times. Being 'alpha', being sensitive, fighting for her affection, playing it cool and letting her come to me, etc, etc. Guess what? Nothing worked, at least long term.

I just read that statistically, 67% of divorces are filed by women. And if a woman has a Bachelor's degree or higher, they're the ones that'll file for D 9 out of 10 times. I don't blame women though. It's a societal thing that's been promoted since the 60s. I've been out with my W and her 'friends' from grad school. How many times I heard 'you ain't got to do nothing for your man!', 'a man should be thankful just to have you.', etc.

Then you turn on the TV, and see horse-face Sarah Jessica Parker prancing around New York sipping Cosmo's at swanky bistros hooking up with random guys. Or every Lifetime movie that has the same exact plot (neglected housewife finally gets courage to leave mean husband. She finds such strength on her own, gets a big promotion at work, and meets the new Mr. Wonderful). I wish they'd make 'part 2' of those movies. A year down the road the woman's kids are flunking out of school, she's living in poverty, and Mr. Wonderful turns out to be a bigger [censored] that her H was.

End rant

[Boat14]

Actually it’s been going on since the caveman days. It’s called hypergamy.

As for your son, if you and your stbxw are good parents and let him know this has nothing to do with him he will be fine.

As for her time will tell if she made the right move are not. She may find Mr. Wonderful and spend the rest of her remaining days happy and in love. Then again maybe not.

You are going to be angry for awhile so try to use it in a positive manner.

[Terapin]

So as I said a few weeks ago, i changed my paycheck direct deposit from 100% going to our joint account, to 80% to joint and 20% to my own account. By my calculations, the 80% should more than cover monthly bills, groceries, entertainment, etc.

For some reason that change didn't go through last pay, but it did today.

Naturally I get a text from W saying that 'it's fine for me to do that, even though that's not what we agreed to do. but if she takes the same amount from her next check we won't have enough to cover the mortgage, bills, etc'. She asked if we can discuss tonight and I said 'sure'.

Any thoughts on how this conversation should go? Obviously I feel like saying 'I've been asking for years where all the money goes. Somehow you managed to save up for a lawyer. I shouldn't have to pay for your $100/week wine habit. etc, etc'. But that probably isn't the best way to go about it.