I have 2 kids. 4, and 2 years old. Just typing that fills me with anguish. I’m so worried about them growing up without both my wife and I being together, and happy. My babies. They are everything to me.
I’ve been married 7 years. My relationship with my wife has obviously been strained for the past year or so. I’ve been overwhelmed at work. I was drinking too much, and so was she. Our relationship didn’t revolve around alcohol, but it was something we did together often. Drink alcohol.
My wife had pretty severe depression after both children which definitely caused resentments on my part. I couldn’t fix her, and I was getting bitter doing the majority of the housework as well as working a very stressful job. I’m definitely not blameless in this situation. If anything? Thinking of how loveless I had become is the worst type of pain I feel. I very much blame myself for my situation.
After my wife began to recover from her depression, I was left tired and angry. I had been in my mind. Slaving hand and foot through 2 pregnancies and 4 years of depression. She began to dress the children, and I just didn’t notice.
Our sex life had dwindled in this time, and I honestly didn’t think it was anything to worry about. I figured every couple with two kids under 5 barely have time or energy for sex. As my wife started to emerge from her depression, she began to want more, and I didn’t/ couldn’t fulfill her desire.
I myself had become depressed. During the time she told me things were going poorly for us, I practically gave her permission to stray. I never once thought she would. But my un caring attitude became an invitation. I myself had been thinking of infidelity.
Then around New Year’s something in me popped/snapped. I honestly think a higher power touched me. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions I hadn’t felt in many years. I’m an alcoholic.
No longer was alcoholism able to stifle my emotions. God took its power away, and from that day on. I’ve lost the desire to drink. Like a switch had been hit in my mind.
I had a talk with my wife about saving our marriage. Going to counseling. Revive our sex life. She seemed willing and we began to rebuild. Or so I thought..
A few months later I saw her phone. The text messages.. It was graphic, and traumatizing. I knew from reading this blog that she was most likely having an affair. But I was still absolutely devastated. She was sorry she didn’t end it after I had quit drinking and professed my love to our marriage. But she was over our marriage before that.
Maybe I was disillusioned. But I had no idea things had gotten so bad. I thought I was generally happy. This is my worst hurt. My deepest source of pain and sorrow.
I let our marriage become so toxic. I let myself become angry and un loving. I took everything I had for granted and focused on complaining about the stupid dishes. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m humiliated. It’s my fault this happened. If I were the only one to suffer from this. It would be tolerable. But I’ve failed my children. I’ve failed my babies. I’m so sorry.
